Frustrating!

I'm repeating one song since I found it from my friend this afternoon, Maher Zain titled Insya Allah, its made my heart so calm, I'm counting how long I'm living in this earth, its 18 years, even sometimes the happiness came suddenly and make me exciting about those things, but the suffers came most often, maybe I'd like to blame myself everytime, I blamed myself if anything goes wrong, in every moments, I suddenly give up, and its difficult to come up back, I try so hard everyday to live my life likes everyone's life, only talk and think about his responsibility of something, not take so much worst things to entering, problably I always enjoy anything, myself like 'play' everything and not like working hard, indeed, sometimes life such a simplicity, even you dont always judge my look outside, my mind roams more than I have to, made me sick, like today.

I dont know why but I always feel I'm alone, I know I live with much people around, its family and friends, I always can share them anything, but I'm not troublemaker and bothermaker's type, I will always feel I'm wrong then, (I'm sorry if I'm so much often do this with someone, feels like I really really need you and, yeah, its true. :) and everymoments in my life taught me to be pathetic, even I'm a dreamer, so freak dreamer, but I've never want so much something, I aware who I am, and its impossible to get the things like its always stuck in my head, like disease, I let them on, since I know about what dream is, and never want so much of them.

"Ohh why is everything so confusing

Maybe I'm just out of mind, 

Yeaahh........"

Yeah! Its true, Like Avril sings for me now. I guess I knew myself more than everybody around, a freak dreamer girl's living for counting the times, (really, its like counting something I've never seen, but I believe I need it), I always believe the fate, anything about it, but sometimes its made me crazy, I'm only need the truth and everything goes well, not always thinking. Could anyone proves how actually the world goes? 

This is about my college, I want Psychology major as hell, maybe, if you are close with me, you surely have known this, but yeah, now I got accounting major in economy faculty Unsyiah, its D3, I know its problably my fate, and I will take psychology in another chance, but really, the expense was so expensive, actually my mom has agreed about the expense but I didnt think I have to pay it in the day after I saw the result, I'm over frustrating, and always, I have to done it myself, alone, always it is. 

I'm not going so conceited to tell I've done always myself, sure I need them too.

Something stucks my head so bad, usually, I formed myself to think fast of anything, but its not work now, I cant think out from my ability, sad, uh? Yeah it was me.

"The mirror can lie

 Doesnt show you whats inside

and it, it can tell you're full of life

Its amazing what you can hide

Just by puting on a smile..."

Now Demi plays in my playlist, usually, the song always influenced me to be calm, but now, I guess I'm thinking more busier, the way which make me crazy when I'm done, like I will. and you know, I still thinking Dad watch me over there, He staring me, and If I could see it, I will always run to reach you dad, what I want is just cry in your hugs, I miss to share about my favourite songs, my favourite movies, even sometimes You cracked my playlist and said my favourite singers/bands just become so insane cause they were screaming alot than sing, but you made me laugh, and I always feel you just try to understand my life, my period, I'm a teen dad, its different and make you worry about, isnt it? 

Well, I miss you more than I imagine, you are just a superhero for me.

"I'm quickly finding out
I'm not about to break down
Not today
I guess I always knew
That I had all the strength to make it through..."

Even world is going overrated, and it force me to see I'm just a girl with all restrictiveness, I create a dream my self, and I will reach it my self too, I dead and sick because livin' with so many dreamkillers, but its always not a fault to have my own dream, yeah! guess so.

"Not gonna be afraid
I'm going to wake up feeling beautiful..today
And know that I'm okay
Cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways
So you see, now, now I believe in me

Now I believe in me "

All I have to do is just believe, world is so cruel, and I dont want to be more than it, God gave me anything and everything to think and hope, also try, so, at least I have to smile everytime show them I'm great, at least my Dad, who's carried everything on me, I'm just so lucky to had him.

******

Life is cruel, its a reality

But at least we try to let the tears gone!

FADING!