How to make it?
That is the first possible question in my head after hearing a friend told me he has registried me to an english debate competition, how could he believe so much to me while I don't have a bit trust to myself, and yes, I was cracking by that question a whole day today.
Deep inside, I really want to take it and prove to myself that I at least have an ability to be proud of, or at least to prove the emvironment that never fail to get me down by underestimated me the whole time that I at least have something to focus in life, (put so many at least, because yeah, least it is), I think I have never been good in english just in case to speak about a debate competition area, A DEBATE COMPETITION it is, imagine what I have to say.
It's not one or two times I figured out about this less confident issue, the research said that maybe I don't really love myself, thing is, no, I really love myself that I afraid to just taking challenge (and sounds like excuse, or funny), how if I just embarrasing myself by taking this? How to speak in front of audience watching? How if I forgot one or two important words? Why if...
Why if I can't make it perfect?
No, don't call me perfectionist, I was, but not anymore, I don't take chance that I think I'm not capable with just because I don't want to ended up dissapointing them whom support me, I sweat ever small stuffs in working, I am overthinking, that's why I mess up, and end up regret thinking if I could take care for some little things maybe this could going perfectly as planned.
I don't really enjoy being in the process of working, I can easily being distracted or bored, for instance, in this semester I really stoked to find a thesis title and hope to finish my thesis in the next semester, I got three times being refused by my lab lecturer, and still stoked, and then I got another 'job' as a ticket seller for an english seminar, and then getting distracted, I felt how it's hard to find the title and think why I was being in a hurry while my friends still enjoy being around a normal 6th semester student (undergradute education in Indonesia take 4 years long/8th semester for graduation), after the seminar passed, almost two weeks ago, I've just had two days for being stoke again about the title, but not really, I am actually excited by a week holiday after the middle exam (not a campus-off, I just wanna come home and taking a week off :D), so, I doubt myself a lot about the competition, while inside, I feel like I can do this, like I have to take this chance.
INSECURITIES, has been a friend of mine for a whole lifetime, and I don't know how to fix it, been searching for tips or research or literature, but it was so easy to read so hard to do, this post is only a reminder if maybe I would read again 20 years later (HAHAHAHAHA) and some tips I could give to myself is here, nope, don't want to advise anyone here, this is for me, I'm not good at fixing insecurities why am I needing to advise anyone :D
- Don't take it seriously, you know, people mocking, they do everything they wanted to do, and so do you, find another thing to focus and enjoy life,
- Solitude is good, it is always good, imagine the waves dancing in the beach, or soft rain (also in beach), when the horizon turns out grey and the wind blows your hair, and there is your favorite music, you're alone, imagine 4-5 years later, or recall your memory, and do it, take your me-time somewhere.
- Imagine what possible to do in your future is good, but don't hit the stars, it's suck, learn from your past.
- You can do it, learn how people make it, learn how not to be distracted, to concentrate on your work, learn how to appreciate every responsible that has given to you, less-torturing your self by thinking it has to always be perfect in the end, because no matter how it will end, do it as hard as you can, because good effort never dissapointed.
- TAKE THIS CHANCE, self, it's better to end up losing than never be on it at all.
- Maybe there is also so many people that has limitation just like you do, you're never that smart, never that great, imagine they are in the same competition as you, so your rival is also has the same kind of ability as you, so yeah.
And hahaha this is rude, but do it, self, don't be dissapointed anymore (:
