I always wanted to be that girl who is considered dumb just to surprise them in the end that I can really do everything by myself and I can fix things. It also like being under-estimated and how I excited to prove them wrong.

Sometimes, I'm asking myself, why?

I have so much in my shoulders already,
and I'm also sick,

I'm also like, take me back to days where everything is easier, days where I didn't need to spill these thoughts alone.

These past few weeks has been crazy--(not the craziest, noted it!) but some of busiest days I've ever had in life, got no weekend since middle of july, I've been switched from headache to stomachache for quite times, and yes, I don't know what to write I just sometimes thinking of my past so much and missing being in there,

I miss being with my family,
and slightly wish that my husband has been a part of me since in childhood,
I wish so many things that impossible.

I'm just tired, I know, I didn't have holiday yet and freaking need one.

Wish me luck with everything.

T H E W E DD I N G O F

Throwing back to the day we smiled nervously because we got to play dress-up and be the centre of attention, and because it wasn't 'us' at all, but it strange to say because behind the scene we were worked so hard and put our biggest struggle to get the day covered and then we prayed that everything went smooth and fast like a blink of eye so we don't have to suffer more, kinda weird.

The feeling of that day, I wanted to put many Celine Dion love songs, I wanted to go around the beach if I could after the day ended, I wanted to put a long YAIIY in my personal diary (which I didn't write for so long), I didn't know whether it is because I AM SO TIRED, or just excited to enter my new life, which once looked so weird and scary, but it was just theory, because being with you, is probably I am reaching my right path, because everything feels so right, and so genuine, the right feeling of not again regretting my past decision, and you are my happy place, that I can always come whenever I want, but I choose not to leave.

It's crazy how our path crossed, till we choose to wear that fancy dress pretending like we have no idea what happened, because not a little moments in there defined us, and we are relieved everything went well and here are we, ready to share our rest of our lives.

<3 <3 <3

God knows the best for you and when is the best for you to have it.

Suddenly it makes sense better than ever.

Cant stand the fact that Im falling so hard for you.

That every decision made feel so right.

Dear husband to be, 

I wish we met earlier, in the day I fought with myself everyday and how I was just a little mess, that I doubt that you would feel the same, 

I wish I met you when I was just started to renew my life 4 years ago, 

and sometimes I wish I met you when I still played in my yard catching butterflies,

I wish I found you earlier than finding my own self,

That I'm sure I would have been better,

That I wouldn't need to break myself to pieces, to sacrifice more than needed to find what happiness really is,

I wish I knew you first above all, 

This kind of feeling to write at 1:37 a.m

I could never say this straight to you,

I love you more than you know, more than you already believe,

And I'll be with you, accompany you, for the good and the bad, I will always be with you.

H-13 before the wedding. 

Feeling nervous about to wear a dress, a crown, being captured, being a spotlight.

Too much,

But never too worry about being a wife, about marriage life, about things that will come, about us.

And suddenly I understand, I have found the one, my perfect fit, my bestfriend, my missing piece.

I know you barely know my blog and you hate it because I never wrote anything in bahasa, but I'm already so full I can burst. Lets make a perfect team, sayang♡

When You Need to Post at 4 pm In The Morning

Being sick for almost a week, Mom is being my right handed person now, not just providing me everything I need but also the moral support itself, because sometimes, you need to keep on side things that driven inside yourself, and its impossible without mom right now, never been able to imagine. Fiancé also spent a day accompanying me, bought me some medicines and other things, brought me to the hospital, checking me everytime when he couldn't make it to be around me, even covered "Bohemian Rhapsody" tonight. 

When in other side, I left all of my outstanding works, cant help but feeling guilty of things I should be done but cant make it right now, in the moment where I feel Im on my lowest point of this work-life things, but still wake up feeling great and happy. I really dont know what happen and what I have done to make me deserve this.

and so the journey begins

Being accompanied to ride home at 10, while my place is so far from yours, while you got cough and cold and some other illness and brought no sweater, I got super hectic schedule and spent so little time with you, but its ok because you would struggle to make that little time works by having me complaining about everything and there you are always getting my things covered, sing a long westlife songs, fooling around, and having my best laugh for today, then I knew that nothing else in this world matters.


I love you, A. :)

Yep.

These past years were hillarious to me, as I took it scene by scene tonight  I didnt know how to get here nor what I ve done, everythings seems like have gone so fast in a blink. Forced to have new perspective in 2015, everything was change that year , struggling to have my thesis done in time, being a jobseeker, had no clue, had no money, working everywhere to pay a little bill myself, everything was so hard yet so amazing to recall it by now, my life has never been too much easy, I know, but I've never been myself like after 2015, it taught me so many things as I learn how to kept the weight myself.

Today, things are changing, everyday can be so exciting, gained to know more everyday, getting to places to learn, surrounded by many amazing people, family is always my source of spirit, enganged with one of the kindest human being, friends are still the craziest and my comfort zone, everything isn't like how I experience two or three years ago. Life has been super awesome now.

but, sometimes, everything I left there still has it power to make me want to cry, just like right now.

:')

Today I feel so happy because everything went well, my work-life is just getting heavier but my realtionship to all colleagues just getting better, my sister has signed her new dream job, my family relationship just getting closer, all of my close friends in my college finally found their job, and fiance launched his office today and being busier than ever, probably this is the first time I'm being so happy that I wanted to cry at the same time. I'm happy for everyone I didn't get chance to see too often but they are fine anyway...

I really meant it because it feels like I want to cry but now I'm still at my desk doing one or two work left for today.

The last is that we (me and fiance) already found our H day, and our relationship just developed into some serious talks and plans, and plans, and I can't thank God enough for revolving my world around this person, I gained positive energy almost everyday and feeling so blessed.

2019 would be a kick off transformation for almost everything, life has been so good and God has always been so kind. 

Alhamdulillah...