Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Do I actually ave my rights of doing things I like and not to be judged by anyone?

Let's clear it all, see I am through what I've seen myself lately,

23, unemployed, the most sensitive, completely lack of direction, in a thirst to figure 'things' out, who gets angry in every single talks with mom, (...and lets add, a sort, a fatty, a lazy girl alive, and whatsover.)

So, it turns out to be so cynical of bein 'me' lately and ow social interaction is some kinda energy drained, casually, feeling like I can't be fit being on this nor that group, and mom was simply told me that it's not really my thing in handling people, so how can I get a job? That is...depressing. other side, I have no rights to complain, cause I've resigned my first job I told you about my naivity, lack of social skills problem, so, that's just it, can't say I regret it, but, hey, I need my own income this age, it is stressful.

Cause in The End, I'm The One Who Knows Myself Better Than Everyone Else

Friday, August 26, 2016

It looks mystical how suddenly life tranforms to something I couldn't even dare to ask before, the power of hardwork, it does exist, hardwork does pay off! I was the nothing at all back in 4 or 5 years ago, but now I even got a poster with my face on it in my university yard, I was only a dreamer, like all dreamers did, they wanted their work being noticed, I didn't work like so much, that's why dreamer stayed dreamer back then, I'm not regret, all of failures had moved me in another direction, and I believe in myself so much more that I can do it.
It's good to be around people who believes in you, whom even trust you to handle their works, I worked with my lecturers, I worked with some librarians, some lecturers asks me to do something with their dissertation, it's like a personal happiness having people relied on you, maybe, I was just being underestimated for a long whole time, even I couldn't wake up the nightmares, that's why I was so so insecure, but, now I'm proud, I had put all of my efforts trying to be better with all I have, I didn't ever take it for granted anymore, so, I'm ready now, whatever it takes, I will choose what I want, I want for the best.

New Phase Of An Officially SE

Monday, August 22, 2016

A lot going on lately

  1. I've been in lhokseumawe for almost a month already
  2. My thesis is printed (yaiyyy!) have delivered them to some places like libraries and to my lecturers.
  3. Filling all check lists for my bachelor certificate is exhausting! I took insane routes from Glee Madat (my current stay at cousin's)-Bukit Indah (FEB)-Lancang Garam (Bookstore-Alumni must delivering 4 books to 2 libraries)-Releut (Campus 1 Unimal/University library)-Lancang Garam (Bookstore again and meeting a lecturer in campus 3)-Bukit Indah-Glee Madat for distribution in two days. (FYI, Unimal has 4 separated campus buildings and nothing bothers you know, I even bewildered to some people whom taken this as a huge thing)
  4. I got cum laude,  my GPA is 3,81, I'm the first graduate student for my batch, 2012. Alhamdulillah :)
  5. Yudisium will be held in monday august 29
  6. I've got testimonium
  7. I've flied my CV to some companies
  8. My major-accounting office called me for internship next month, but still thinking about it, while now, I'm an intern in FEB library, surrounding by new books smell every single day where I had to do is categorizing those new coming books and I could also laid down on sofa with AC on, super fun! 
  9. I LOST 5 KILOS IN TWO WEEKS! I didn't eat at all besides fruits which available at home
  10. But then got stressed out about my dress that sewed oppositely with design I gave to the sewer, I planned to wear it in yudisium, now I'm still confused about it, it got me eat a lot, like lunch and dinner, two pieces of bakwan Tamian which super delicious! (I got to blame this tamiang food when my weight increased a lot last year hahaha), and jajan-jajanan coklat tim tam 1000-an di toko bu Mala di depan rumah Glee Madat. Food is always been a plesure, I slew my pain with eating and till today I got confuse thinking is this a strength or a weakness cause nothing hurts at all till it comes to me meeting scales :'(
  11. So I ended up putting 2 kilos again in weight! My metabolism has already been freaking weird
My advise to whomever planning to take diet treatment above 20, think again, guys, I don't know if it's just me, but I had always applied this dietary rules whenever I got to waste out some weights: DO NOT EAT! And at least do easy workout, and in 2012, when I was about 18 or 19, I got to waste 7 kilos in a week without eating anything beside fruits (at least five times cheating to eat tempe and ikan goreng) and just do sit up, now I have to apply this for about two weeks with two times higher workout and only got 5 kilos out. So yeah, dietary above 20 is harder.
Moving on,
So yeah, in this glory days, I did nothing (Somehow I thought I wasn't really an intern, I'm just helping out some staffs in library whom I already known so well), well I'm in Lhokseumawe now I can only possible doing thing works in Banda Aceh. I've planned not to get into job less academic circle, so, I'll possibly looking for things to do to feel productive and at least making money with it. Spending lot of times doing nothing just burst the hell out of me, so, I did everything that seems fun, I got many times to write, I wrote almost everyday actually but those all just saved in my personal diary (I also got time continuing any novels I already made, but still, I don't wanna publish them:), I also help some friends with their thesis, and I have finished reading at least 7 books and watch 6 movies for this a week and half. My next plan is to get home as soon as possible, okay, in the end, Lhokseumawe experience went opposite from what I thought first in my early year, it's fine and surprisingly super fun!

Happy Birthday, Me.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Birthday post is here, well, happy birthday, old kid! How I hate the idea of growing old, finally, 23 is no longer secure for something (everything) fun, always, the consideration of adding a number of my age is about to give up giving myself a false hope, not to regret things, not to be selfish, and be realist enough to accept things it's way, in a good way.

This year I got too many lesson learnt, I failed in few things in life, but I got my bachelor degree, I also became someone I don't like, but somehow it takes too many things to be happened to make me loose sometimes, and free, and just, empty, but not to pity me, if I even take a closer look around, people has always been with me, I know.

This is just a few reminder if I may read this post again later:

  • There's nothing such a destiny or things that is fated, several things need to be planned and done, although there are some others we can't fix up because it's always been that way.
  • No one could fix your insecurities unless you do, all of fairytale series suck, and how you hate those korean drama sometimes.
  • You gain what you do, that's why "you gain what you deserve" invited.
  • Sometimes, the problem is not with people, tell your head it was really annoying.
  • Don't blame yourself, don't always do that.
  • Twilight sucks, yes. So, you in the pass were embarrassing.
  • Don't listen to Taylor Swift old country tracks too much.
  • You don't need to depend on cooking lesson to have an extra hour staying in the kitchen.
  • Cool guy aren't exist, pretended clown are,
  • Recycle arts sometimes even better, plagiarism always worst.
  • You don't need somebody to make you feel you're there, you just need to be comfort in being who you are.
  • GOOD BOOK is priority!
  • If you feel you're a social awkward enough, self, you're not alone.
  • Don't feel you're old enough! Stop typing old enough!!!!
  • Something better left unspoken, explanation indeed needed, but not all the time.
  • Some silence will fix the noise you always hate.
  • Don't bother, don't force things.
  • Be happy!
So, another day begin now, it also suprised me how today isn't really a fine day, or I even scared, but no, happy birthday, me.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

“Everything hurts and no one is telling me how to heal
I mediate with rose squartz resting in my palms
I eat more bananas
I make a spell with bat’s wings and dandelion water
Something has to work,
But I am waiting, at the end of my rope,
Braiding my hair into broken,
Twisted cups of thread,
In a desperate way of begging the universe to put me somewhere safe”
-Schuyler Peck

I need you to be monster
Which is to say, I am trying not to love you
Which is to say, I am still dreaming of kissing your claws”
-Fortessa Latifi

“I said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang’.
The sun said, ‘it hurts to become’”
-Andrea Gibson

“I wonder if I will remember this as the winter where everyone died but  wasn’t overcome with sadness”
-Chrissy Stockton

“It is a Tuesday when I love someone who doesn’t love me,
No, it’s not the first time
But it’s a sad time, oh, it’s always a sad time
But my heart doesn’t listen, doesn’t understand,
Soars like a child in a rocket ship,
Doesnt’ believe in gravity, doesn’t believe in learning a lesson,
Wants to give until there is nothing left but glitter”
-Yena Sharma Purmasir
“To love me is to love a haunted house
-it’s fun to visit once a year,
But no one wants to live there”
-Brenna Twohy

“When it rains I know you are looking at the same rain,
I have to believe it means something different to you than it does to me”
-Jones Howell

“The truth is,
Some pain just isn’t worth it.
Sometimes, the hurt gets old
Sometimes, you get tired of being the one who has to heal”
-Caitlyn Siehl

“I love you head over handles,
Like my first bicycle accident
--before the mouthful of gravel and blood,
I swore we were flying”
-Sierra DeMulder

“It’s been three years since I’ve spent the night with someone who liked me enough to get breakfast in the morning.
Still, I spread my heart  thin like butter on toast, hoping someone else will come along and snatch it off my plate”
-Trista Mateer

“I care
Like it is an alternative to breathing and every available ounce of oxygen has suddenly gone missing”
-Danielle Shorr


Wednesday, May 18, 2016

When you feel you have ran all your life to something you know too far from you, when you live and felt like not awake, and nothing could be worse than yourself surrender in doing something you love, just like...this.

I hate it to type this cheesy thing over and over again, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, well in fact, I'm super fine, I'm just obsessing in graduate faster, going back home, getting a job and some kind of other stuffs, but the rest is good, and when it was better than I feel TODAY, I started doing thing that makes me gonna hate myself for another month, and this tragedy seems to repeat itself whenever I already felt better, like, three months ago, and it bothers me like sooooooo damn much, like I feel tired to wake up in the morning, but no, I don't wanna die.

So, like you know, I didn't chase back, I don't take things for granted like I used to, I just hope and breaking that hope again, and going to hope again, and on the way in breaking hope over again.


Saturday, May 7, 2016

Udah puluhan atau mungkin ratusan kali duduk sendirian di pojokan warung kopi demi wifi gratis ditemenin minuman hangat yang jadi dingin atau minuman dingin yang esnya mencair sendirian untuk skripsi dari awal 2015 lalu, dari masa-masanya nyari judul trus bikin proposal mini, ditolak beberapa kali, diterima dan keluar SK, ngatur proposal skripsi, 'cuti' tiga bulan trus bikin proposal skripsi--masa masa konsul yang nggak ada akhirnya, sampe dapet acc seminar skripsi akhir desember lalu, trus nunggu dipanggil seminar sampe tiga bulan, officially seminar tanggal 5 april kemarin, dan kembali lagi ke masa-masa konsul untuk sidang skripsi sekarang ini, dan baru pertama kali terlintas di pikiran saya, apa yang saya cari?

I mean, abis ini saya kemana?


Menikah ya nggak mungkin, calonnya aja masih fiktif, jadi saya realistis aja deh ya, kerja! Kerja harus jadi prioritas utama karena saya belajar kalo ngayal tu yang kira-kira mungkin aja, jangan yang enggak-enggak -______- trus oke, saya pengen cepet kelar kuliah juga supaya bisa kerja, dan target udah mau nyelesein kuliah dari bulan tiga ini udah ngaret sampe dua bulan, yeah, I'm such in that rush I couldn't even understand myself.

Sebenernya perasaan pengen 'bebas' ini yang aku nggak ngerti, nggak ada yang salah sama tinggal jauh dari orang tua, masalahnya ya cuma pengen pulang, nggak ada yang salah dengan tinggal di Lhokseumawe sendirian, karena emang nggak ngerti deh gimana bisa sepi kalo ditemenin sama delapan spesies-spesies ajaib disana, belom lagi teman-teman satu kosan, teman-teman kuliah, sampe dosen-dosen yang udah kayak temen, bener-bener nggak ada yang salah. 

Berada di Banda Aceh juga nggak nyaman-nyaman banget, harga-harga makin naik, teman-teman lama udah kebanyakan ngilang, trus ini cuma perasaan personal aja, tapi kalo udah dekat banda aceh tu kayak ada beban berat aja dipundak, I gained tons in my shoulders, tapi beneran nggak tau itu apa.

Melankolis sih, susah kan..

So, here I am again, dengan kebingungan nggak ada abisnya menjelang 23 (Oh yes, I'm so stoked with age! Gimana coba udah 23 aja sementara sendirinya ngerasa kayak 18 taun terus), dan believe it or not, beberapa hal juga harus dihapus dari list saking nggak mau ngeribetin diri sendiri lebih lagi dan bikin diri sendiri senyaman yang saya bisa.

Oke, maybe I need to chill, chill, chill...


Friday, March 18, 2016

Minggu ini tiba-tiba ditawarin sesuatu yang bikin harus kerja dua kali lipat lebih keras daripada kalo dikasih taunya sebulan yang lalu, tapi sejak pengen banget sibuk sibukin diri (yaaah dari pada bosen di kos sendirian), aku terima aja, since I *surprisingly* like to learn everything so much lately, jadi beberapa hari ini otak sama badan di press banget sampe cuman bisa tidur dua-tiga jam sehari. Point is, wish me luck yaaaaa, semoga semua yang diusahakan bulan ini berjalan lancar, by the way berapa minggu lagi mau seminar (akhirnyaaa) setelah tiga bulan nunggu dipanggil :')) semoga cepet lulus dan pulang lagi bisa bareng sama keluarga lagi, amin.

and I've been so caught in my job didn't see what's going on

Sunday, March 13, 2016

It takes long time to post the song in blog, it's really feels cheesy but I love this one.

Another Random Thoughts

Friday, March 11, 2016

Sometimes it's exhausted to feel useless, failed to fix things just because me being so lazy, me postponed things a lot, me love working in every last minute time, then so the work itself became not so good, I hate losing control of things yet I sometimes feeling super bored and lazy about all of this, I didn't really enjoy being in the process of anything, yes, to be honest, I'm losing my track of feeling comfortable doing, it's just childish, you know, I hate being one, I hate seeing myself standing only in one place where people in my age move and move forward pursuing their dreams, it's stressing me out cause I always feel less, there's something wrong about me, there is something big upon me I can't explore, I can't elaborate, something like that, that is exactly what makes me giving up on so many things lately.

I (still) don't know what happen.

To me, age matters, I'll be 23 soon, and how I avoid talking about age this year, 23 is something, adding one number again in my age, I'm afraid, I'm afraid not to do good things, I'm afraid not to finish my study in the right time (well, I'm in my way to exhibit my thesis proposal in these next two weeks), I'm afraid not to get the job after I finish my study, earlier I thought it was a good idea to start my own online store (and I started RULLSCIAPROJECT)--yes, then some problems happened, well, I promise to fix it after I finish my task in university, leave it behind, this is so 20's something average problem, being scared of life, being insecure, or it's just me?

I gained weight, like extremely hard, I become bored on things I used to love making so much, post-breakup syndrome? I guess not, I could be looking so weak in some of blogposts but believe me, like average friends quite told me sometimes that I looked very strong, I never made it a habit to be sad, well I used to, but not anymore, I'm super fine, I just become lazy, and I hate to be that.

I don't keep that extremely creepy wishes anymore, I just wish that next months after this I can live seeing my mom everyday, getting a job, creating something to sell, the point is, making money, I really wanna see myself busy doing things, a useful me, me becoming reliable, somebody that people or at least my mom can be depend on, just that simple.

Just A Little Bit Too Much

Monday, February 22, 2016

Semalem begadang sampe jam empat pagi, trus bangun beberapa jam kemudian kayak merasa dehidrasi, karena air di galon udah mau abis jadi cuman bisa neguk satu gelas doang dan akhirnya belabuh disini. *gak enak banget bahasanya berlabuh:D*

Jadi, ini ceritanya masih liburan  tidur-makan-wifian di alue bilie, Nagan Raya, sekitar dua jam diatas Aceh Barat, karena bosen, bisa kali ya kalo ngeshare sesuatu yang ditulis semalah, this is kinda super personal, yhaaaaaa emang selalu personal sih kayak biasanya juga, bukan maksud mau ngumbar-ngumbar, but you should know earlier this is the blog where I write to record my life *halaaahhhh apaan sih* here we go.



Love is a minefield. You take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess that's human nature. 
-- Kate Welles (Famke Janssen)

Now I have to remain myself is no more failure to make and more focus to live, Allah has been very very very very kind with life lessons and so much more opportunities ahead waiting for me to take, I have learnt that everything has shaped that way since every beginning no more than make us wiser in the end, Allah has showed that every doubts I have in my past relationship has this kind of result.

I didn’t hate myself for giving such every spirit to love, I loved very very deep, no, when something isn’t fall on it’s place doesn’t mean that my life will end, I know, I have so many times to figuring out more things today, especially to prove what I can do. I have unrealistic dream and I dare myself to make it happen today, I tried something very new to me which first I doubt myself but it went great so far, I’m so close with my bachelor degree, I have plenty of short term expectations, the most important thing is I have learnt that everything we plan it will be wiser to settled it first in our parents point of view—My mom felt okay with everything I take lately and she even said I have such a gift as seeing something in a good way—surprisingly, everything like has it’s own transformation, I’m no longer a person who avoid listening to the songs I loved in this past 5-6 years, okay, that’s quite shallow, me, for instance, hating the streets once, how I love being escape outside Banda Aceh just because I had so many-many-many-many-many memories there (yes, still about that last current problem), now I even see it as unforgivable thing for me being spoiled like that. I quite emotionally saying I have been through the worst thing (I can’t just write down here) and now my head has it’s own thing to overcome rather than wasting time having meaningless thinking that I should early know just to waste my time.

These 7 months parachute and he is we were always bother me, feeling betrayed or else—now they are playing in shuffle <3

I *in a strange way* is 22 year old who re-arrange stuffs I aim a lot since I was a kid, yes, it’s a lil bit lie because I’m not that type of person who always knows what I want (this is actually is the root of every trouble of my condition today), but, seriously, I’m shaping things today, wake up with schedule, starting day forcing myself not to be lazy and push myself harder to work even when I was so tired, I have told you, I should try twice everything today because of long gone mistakes I made and I have no regret afterall.

In *also* strange way, I can hear the conspiration of the world that made me I am today is when Allah tries to speak louder to me, I don’t need to put Mario Teguh quote in here right? I’m way more messier in putting words together but I loved to see my writings done :D Yes, Allah speaks to me, dragging me away and somehow moving on is one and only choice He gives to me. I was weaker few months ago, but I wasn’t the type of a person who get mad or mess somebody’s decision—who crazily entering somebody’s life and make them feeling guiltier, no, I’m this sentimental, I believe in destiny—I believe what I need to see to build a stronger me, it’s always weird but proud to try, hahaha:’))

Anyone can only see this writing is me trying to cheer myself up, well, I am, but I don’t have that much energy to put attention on things everyone says about me, even my friends keep remind me in a harsh way about old habbit which is actually gone but I’m still ‘being easy on it’, well, I’m grateful to have such super good friends in my life, Dewi, for instance, and CBC, whom always there, living life together, making dream happens together, that’s sometimes thing I take for granted and the rest I know this is the only one best treasure I still have till today.

For somebody out there *if you still read my writings, you will always know it’s you, yes, you know what, it’s still you, it’s always been you*, I really really really do happy that you are living your dream today, I’m sorry I’m that selfish, but I can picture my work is done then, we were a pair in everything though, yes, in the past, I can see you are also living happier life with the new person today, no, I’m lying or being super innocent saying I’m not jealous, but in the best way (I don’t care if this saying is only some crap to make me sleep well tonight), you should know, you have made me the happiest, you have also made me I am today, you have done super great works as the best partner I have so far, I don’t get mad to you, if I could just write the last *I promise you this is the last* message to you it would always be:

Go, go follow your dream, satisfy yourself, make your parents happy, go make you the man your dad will always tell his friends about, be the best son, the best brother, don’t forget your friends behind, never skip your prayer, have a faith if it’s hard today doesn’t mean it’ll be hard forever, you’re brilliant, you’re amazing, you’re smart, and you have everything, just be the best version of yourself then, people loves you.

Like in two seconds I know, you would never have time to even see this blog anymore, it’s okay, you’re just the reason behind but I don’t always write to you, this is to me, as you can see. :)

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Own less. Create more.
Buy less. Share more.
Work less. Play more.

Less media gazing. More sky gazing.
Less cellphone time. More reading time.
Less noise. More silence.

Less impulsive shopping. More frugal consuming.
Less wanting. More gratitude.
Less needing. More contentment.

Explain less. Act more.
Stress less. Laugh more.
Think less. Feel more.

Less promises. More surprises.
Less performances. More inquiries.
Less concepts. More experiments.

Answer less. Question more.
Comply less. Question more.
Believe less. Question more.

Less known. More unknown.
Less handed-down beliefs. More self-discoveries.
Less fixation. More freedom.

Talk less. Listen more.
Analyze less. Experience more.
Judge less. Observe more.

Less concrete. More soil.
Less tabloids. More trees.
Less smoking sections. More fresh air.

Criticize less. Appreciate more.
Object less. Understand more.
Exclude less. Include more.

Less knowledgeable. More innocence.
Less target. More acceptance.
Less doing something. More doing nothing.

Attach less. Release more.
Ignore less. Meditate more.
Fear less. Breathe more.

Less addiction. More awareness.
Less norms. More conscience.
Less mindless. More mindfulness.

got this from the forever inspiring mbak dee lestari.