“Everything hurts and no one is telling me how to heal

I mediate with rose squartz resting in my palms

I eat more bananas

I make a spell with bat’s wings and dandelion water

Something has to work,

But I am waiting, at the end of my rope,

Braiding my hair into broken,

Twisted cups of thread,

In a desperate way of begging the universe to put me somewhere safe”

-Schuyler Peck

“I need you to be monster

Which is to say, I am trying not to love you

Which is to say, I am still dreaming of kissing your claws”

-Fortessa Latifi

“I said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang’.

The sun said, ‘it hurts to become’”

-Andrea Gibson

“I wonder if I will remember this as the winter where everyone died but  wasn’t overcome with sadness”

-Chrissy Stockton

“It is a Tuesday when I love someone who doesn’t love me,

No, it’s not the first time

But it’s a sad time, oh, it’s always a sad time

But my heart doesn’t listen, doesn’t understand,

Soars like a child in a rocket ship,

Doesnt’ believe in gravity, doesn’t believe in learning a lesson,

Wants to give until there is nothing left but glitter”

-Yena Sharma Purmasir

“To love me is to love a haunted house

-it’s fun to visit once a year,

But no one wants to live there”

-Brenna Twohy

“When it rains I know you are looking at the same rain,

I have to believe it means something different to you than it does to me”

-Jones Howell

“The truth is,

Some pain just isn’t worth it.

Sometimes, the hurt gets old

Sometimes, you get tired of being the one who has to heal”

-Caitlyn Siehl

“I love you head over handles,

Like my first bicycle accident

--before the mouthful of gravel and blood,

I swore we were flying”

-Sierra DeMulder

“It’s been three years since I’ve spent the night with someone who liked me enough to get breakfast in the morning.

Still, I spread my heart  thin like butter on toast, hoping someone else will come along and snatch it off my plate”

-Trista Mateer

“I care

Like it is an alternative to breathing and every available ounce of oxygen has suddenly gone missing”

-Danielle Shorr

Credits: thoughtcatalog.com

When you feel you have ran all your life to something you know too far from you, when you live and felt like not awake, and nothing could be worse than yourself surrender in doing something you love, just like...this.

I hate it to type this cheesy thing over and over again, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, well in fact, I'm super fine, I'm just obsessing in graduate faster, going back home, getting a job and some kind of other stuffs, but the rest is good, and when it was better than I feel TODAY, I started doing thing that makes me gonna hate myself for another month, and this tragedy seems to repeat itself whenever I already felt better, like, three months ago, and it bothers me like sooooooo damn much, like I feel tired to wake up in the morning, but no, I don't wanna die.

So, like you know, I didn't chase back, I don't take things for granted like I used to, I just hope and breaking that hope again, and going to hope again, and on the way in breaking hope over again.

Chill

Udah puluhan atau mungkin ratusan kali duduk sendirian di pojokan warung kopi demi wifi gratis ditemenin minuman hangat yang jadi dingin atau minuman dingin yang esnya mencair sendirian untuk skripsi dari awal 2015 lalu, dari masa-masanya nyari judul trus bikin proposal mini, ditolak beberapa kali, diterima dan keluar SK, ngatur proposal skripsi, 'cuti' tiga bulan trus bikin proposal skripsi--masa masa konsul yang nggak ada akhirnya, sampe dapet acc seminar skripsi akhir desember lalu, trus nunggu dipanggil seminar sampe tiga bulan, officially seminar tanggal 5 april kemarin, dan kembali lagi ke masa-masa konsul untuk sidang skripsi sekarang ini, dan baru pertama kali terlintas di pikiran saya, apa yang saya cari?

I mean, abis ini saya kemana?

Kerja?

Menikah?

Menikah ya nggak mungkin, calonnya aja masih fiktif, jadi saya realistis aja deh ya, kerja! Kerja harus jadi prioritas utama karena saya belajar kalo ngayal tu yang kira-kira mungkin aja, jangan yang enggak-enggak -______- trus oke, saya pengen cepet kelar kuliah juga supaya bisa kerja, dan target udah mau nyelesein kuliah dari bulan tiga ini udah ngaret sampe dua bulan, yeah, I'm such in that rush I couldn't even understand myself.

Sebenernya perasaan pengen 'bebas' ini yang aku nggak ngerti, nggak ada yang salah sama tinggal jauh dari orang tua, masalahnya ya cuma pengen pulang, nggak ada yang salah dengan tinggal di Lhokseumawe sendirian, karena emang nggak ngerti deh gimana bisa sepi kalo ditemenin sama delapan spesies-spesies ajaib disana, belom lagi teman-teman satu kosan, teman-teman kuliah, sampe dosen-dosen yang udah kayak temen, bener-bener nggak ada yang salah. 

Berada di Banda Aceh juga nggak nyaman-nyaman banget, harga-harga makin naik, teman-teman lama udah kebanyakan ngilang, trus ini cuma perasaan personal aja, tapi kalo udah dekat banda aceh tu kayak ada beban berat aja dipundak, I gained tons in my shoulders, tapi beneran nggak tau itu apa.

Melankolis sih, susah kan..

So, here I am again, dengan kebingungan nggak ada abisnya menjelang 23 (Oh yes, I'm so stoked with age! Gimana coba udah 23 aja sementara sendirinya ngerasa kayak 18 taun terus), dan believe it or not, beberapa hal juga harus dihapus dari list saking nggak mau ngeribetin diri sendiri lebih lagi dan bikin diri sendiri senyaman yang saya bisa.

Oke, maybe I need to chill, chill, chill...