She is so beautiful, I like when she pulls her spoon and eat it from the bottom remains one or two tiny piece on her spoon and she return it exactly the same way, I like the way she smiles to people, I like it when she talks to the waitress who is her bestfriend nicely, the way she laughs, she speaks to mom politely, eventhough I caught some confusion right in there, her brown eyes, and the eyes, seriously, I can imagine it and can’t stop listening to some corny love songs those tell how girl’s worth it.

She wears good clothes too, she has beautiful and small hands, she has a not so neat teeth and I like it, she is really down to earth person, and she impressed mom so much, she is kinda family girl the way she been so close with her mom, and she knows how to talk good and she only talk good things, the plus is all hers, you bet it, she knows how to make money.

She is smart, she is nice, she is cool, she is beautiful, she is genius, she is there in my mind all the time lately, and this is the sign obviously, finally, I fall again to a woman, the right woman, I don’t know you, but I’m ready for a seek of chance.

So, mom, for this, yes, apparently.

A calm, quite, and kind-hearted, a cool but also a smart (a nerd who love to be in library), so educated that he takes his undergraduate and/or postgraduate abroad somewhere in a ranked university in Europe, a religious, a good looking guy with a deep-drowned eyes, update with current issues, play and listen to good music, read books, speak english fluenty and having interest to learn some more languanges, a faithful lover, experienced in a bad love story which makes him really careful to choose his future partner again, a family lover, having a 3 year-old daughter from his previous marriage, that he loves a lot and risk life for her, that choose to build a better career after the divorce and now he moved out as a 32 year old men who has anything by his side, has built a family house for his family, sit in advanced chair in the office, and now being acquinted to a woman that attracts him (after long experience of his mother finding women to be introduced with a big hope to be her future daughter in law), and finally he sits back in his chair one night and save the writing above in his laptop.

I really wonder how it ends, he's the coolest I've ever made as a novel role, I don't even want to finish the story, I hope he lives in real life, because he does live and also distract me for so many things these several years :)

Name your current self: Selfish, lazy, worried, terrified, tired.

I never know what I have to face the next day, this is absolutely wrong, even it has hundred of reasons behind, this is wrong, wake up in a place that might scary you a lot, a place that unfamiliar to you, facing people those hate you, walk alone to somewhere you wish would make you smarter, but currently not anymore, making friends but end up being hating each other, seeking for perfection but never happened, you hate to deal with bullshit, but they thought you were just that selfish.

I started to speak a lot, a lot, I mean, a lot like I always have something to let people know, unimportant ones that made me regret in the end, I don't know why, this is definetely wrong, two days have passed and I stuck in this kind of thinking that this is wrong, but I can't do more than just accept it and do it again, I'm lazy, I'm blablabalabaaaaaarrrrrraaaassss

INSECURITIES

How to make it?

That is the first possible question in my head after hearing a friend told me he has registried me to an english debate competition, how could he believe so much to me while I don't have a bit trust to myself, and yes, I was cracking by that question a whole day today.

Deep inside, I really want to take it and prove to myself that I at least have an ability to be proud of, or at least to prove the emvironment that never fail to get me down by underestimated me the whole time that I at least have something to focus in life, (put so many at least, because yeah, least it is), I think I have never been good in english just in case to speak about a debate competition area, A DEBATE COMPETITION it is, imagine what I have to say.

It's not one or two times I figured out about this less confident issue, the research said that maybe I don't really love myself, thing is, no, I really love myself that I afraid to just taking challenge (and sounds like excuse, or funny), how if I just embarrasing myself by taking this? How to speak in front of audience watching? How if I forgot one or two important words? Why if...

Why if I can't make it perfect?

No, don't call me perfectionist, I was, but not anymore, I don't take chance that I think I'm not capable with just because I don't want to ended up dissapointing them whom support me, I sweat ever small stuffs in working, I am overthinking, that's why I mess up, and end up regret thinking if I could take care for some little things maybe this could going perfectly as planned.

I don't really enjoy being in the process of working, I can easily being distracted or bored, for instance, in this semester I really stoked to find a thesis title and hope to finish my thesis in the next semester, I got three times being refused by my lab lecturer, and still stoked, and then I got another 'job' as a ticket seller for an english seminar, and then getting distracted, I felt how it's hard to find the title and think why I was being in a hurry while my friends still enjoy being around a normal 6th semester student (undergradute education in Indonesia take 4 years long/8th semester for graduation), after the seminar passed, almost two weeks ago, I've just had two days for being stoke again about the title, but not really, I am actually excited by a week holiday after the middle exam (not a campus-off, I just wanna come home and taking a week off :D), so, I doubt myself a lot about the competition, while inside, I feel like I can do this, like I have to take this chance.

INSECURITIES, has been a friend of mine for a whole lifetime, and I don't know how to fix it, been searching for tips or research or literature, but it was so easy to read so hard to do, this post is only a reminder if maybe I would read again 20 years later (HAHAHAHAHA) and some tips I could give to myself is here, nope, don't want to advise anyone here, this is for me, I'm not good at fixing insecurities why am I needing to advise anyone :D

• Don't take it seriously, you know, people mocking, they do everything they wanted to do, and so do you, find another thing to focus and enjoy life, 
• Solitude is good, it is always good, imagine the waves dancing in the beach, or soft rain (also in beach), when the horizon turns out grey and the wind blows your hair, and there is your favorite music, you're alone, imagine 4-5 years later, or recall your memory, and do it, take your me-time somewhere.
• Imagine what possible to do in your future is good, but don't hit the stars, it's suck, learn from your past.
• You can do it, learn how people make it, learn how not to be distracted, to concentrate on your work, learn how to appreciate every responsible that has given to you,  less-torturing your self by thinking it has to always be perfect in the end, because no matter how it will end, do it as hard as you can, because good effort never dissapointed.
• TAKE THIS CHANCE, self, it's better to end up losing than never be on it at all.
• Maybe there is also so many people that has limitation just like you do, you're never that smart, never that great, imagine they are in the same competition as you, so your rival is also has the same kind of ability as you, so yeah.

And hahaha this is rude, but do it, self, don't be dissapointed anymore (:

Hey fellas, good to be back *nyapu-nyapu dulu karena berdebu banget ini blog* tonight I decide a random thing to write (since I don't have a that good mind to make good ones) and that will be like:

Be careful of what you wish for...

That mainstream quote took me here, hahaha, no this not kind of a serious thought, since once I decided to make this blog easy to read, so, hahaha, okay, sebenarnya ada apa dengan sya dan quote di atas? Simple, I had done so many wishes as I remember, a lot I regret so, kadang agak nyesel sama beberapa wishes yang udah terkabul dan itu yang random banget.

Salah satunya adalah, tinggal sendiri :)))

There is no place like home, that's absolutely right, flashback sedikit, mungkin bukan sekali dua kali aku pernah cerita kalo aku pernah insecure banget, semacam kurang pede yang cenderung menyedihkan di jaman SMP-SMA, aku anti sosial, cepet banget tersinggung, nggak pede berlebihan, cenderung cepet marah, dan banyak nyimpen dan mendam cerita sendiri, even to both parents or other family, dan cenderung suka gampang banget marah ke keluarga.

Jadi, dulu itu aku sering banget berkeinginan buat tinggal sendiri, in a place somewhere when I grow up, jadi mungkin karena 'kemakan' film-film barat gitu yang cewek-cewek independen, kerja kantoran, yang tinggal sendiri, yang setiap pagi order starbucks dan ke kantor jalan kaki itu, I dreamed to have a tiny place as a hard working woman in the future (put HAHAHA here).

I was there in that so random dream, and now I know how it suck to live alone.

Tonight I literally so alone, oh, homework is my latest bestfriend, which is suck-er.

and then start hating my decision to take chance to school here, but no, hey, time flies, now I'm in the 6th semester! and my thesis title was accepted by my research lecturer, happy :')))))

But yeah it's still, there is no place like home, and so once again, even on deciding to wish something, you'd rather be wise (:

Sky

Coba deh liat keatas,
Kurang tinggi,
Kurang...
-
-
-
-
Kurang...
Masih kurang...
Tinggian lagi!!

-
-
-
-
Masih kurang...

Coba aja bisa ke atas sana ya, pasti menyenangkan, karena 'diatas' bagus-bagus banget.

...that's why we can't own the sky. Be grateful, self!

Deep Inside Me I Can Be The One

Pernah nggak berbuat sesuatu dan nggak dihargai?

Pernah nggak merasa udah selalu hati-hati tapi tetep dianggap salah?

Pernah berada di posisi yang sendiri aja tertekan tapi merasa tetap wajib memperhatikan orang lain di sekitar?

Aku belajar banyak minggu-minggu ini, terutama mengenai penerimaan, tetap menerima walaupun sering tertekan, tetap berbuat walaupun nggak dihargai, kadang-kadang merasa harus ikhlas walaupun nggak dilirik sedikitpun, bukan karena sekedar males ngomong dan ngejelasin, tapi 'menyimpan' dan merasa baik-baik aja sampe semuanya kembali baik-baik aja itu menyenangkan, lebih tenang, lebih nyaman.

Semuanya berawal dari tugas kelompok akuntansi pajak dimana tugasnya adalah bikin buku, yap, BIKIN BUKU, mungkin tugas ini bukan hal yang heboh banget bagi sebagian kampus, tapi untuk kampus dengan grade kedua di Aceh ini hal ini bener-bener nguras tenaga, kita belajar nyusun buku sendiri dengan seabrek referensi sekaligus ngedit, harus bener-bener paham dari A-Z apa yang kita tulis karena tanggung jawabnya besar banget kan ya kalo salah-salah, mana lagi, buku yang terbaik akan dipilih sama dosen buat diterbitin, yah, walaupun pake nama sang dosen, apalah daya, namanya mahasiswa ya banyak-banyak ngalah aja :D

Jadi, setelah mau satu semester ini kita ngebahas bab per bab materi akuntansi pajaknya, ini adalah waktunya nyusun bab per babnya, mungkin nggak akan seribet ini kalo peraturannya nggak berubah-ubah, yang tadinya dibilang nggak boleh pake bahasa sendiri dan harus pure buku dalam paper,  dan nggak boleh ngambil referensi dari internet, jadi, hari terakhir liburan di rumah waktu itu, karena aku nggak masuk seminggu di minggu pertama ngampus, sore menjelang magrib aku keliling seputaran jalan mohammad jam banda aceh buat nyari buku karena temen nitip dan ngabarin di waktu semepet itu, dimana magribnya harus udah berangkat ke lhokseumawe, trus, sekarang pas mau nyusun harus nyari banyak referensi dan nggak boleh copas harus bener-bener nyusun buku -_____- perjuangan banget asal menjelang final gini tugas lagi banyak-banyaknya dan ditambah tugas buat buku ini, jadi begadang tiap malam, walaupun nggak cuman nyusun buku ini, sekalian juga tugas yang lainnya, mana karena tugas kelompok jadi mau nyamain kepalanya itu susah banget, nguras tenaga banget, serius!

Puncaknya adalah pas dapet sms dari ketua kelompok beberapa hari lalu, sms yang terkesan kesel dengan nada nggak enak yang sukses bikin nyeri kepala dikit karena mikir itu mlulu, katanya sih gini, aku nggak serius dan nggak iklas ngerjainnya, sampe akhirnya aku telfon dia dan dia berkilah katanya maksudnya nggak kayak yang dismsin, oke, oke, aku udah lupa soal itu sekarang, yang aku ingat adalah, aku harus maafin dia, biasa manusia kalo khilaf, kalo lagi capek dan nyari pelampiasan, ya aku maklumin karena kerjaan dia sendiri banyak banget, dia yang paling mendominasi disini, tapi serius aku nggak dapet banyak banget kerjaan dan setau aku untuk minggu ini tugas itu cuman direvisi isinya, nggak dikoreksi dari A-Z, dari gimana cover harusnya, dan lain-lain sampe latian soal, 

Bukan masalah besar, and I knew, I admit it, deep inside, she was right, aku udah terlalu malas sekarang, keseringan terdistract hal-hal lain, kayak planning yang mau dilakuin pas pulang nanti, ingat keluarga terus, ingat banda aceh terus, hal-hal nggak penting yang aku tau bakalan aku sesalin nantinya, aku udah nggak seserius dulu, dulu, sehari nggak pegang buku rasanya udah waste of time banget, kalo sekarang, dua hari nggak belajar udah biasa, ya bukan karena nggak ada alasan, makin kesini, masalah makin banyak, banyak hal yang bikin jadi pikiran, walaupun masih bisa bersyukur gimanapun keadaannya, tetap aja aku nggak mampu untuk manage semuanya dengan otak yang cuman satu ini, dengan tenaga yang sedikit ini, dengan kebiasaan masalah-itu-diciptain-buat-dipikirin-bukan-dicuekin itu.

Tapi penerimaan, merasa baik-baik saja, sampe semuanya akan kembali seperti semula, memilih ngertiin orang lain--karena aku selalu, selalu, pengen dingertiin juga. :')

Judulnya dipilih random dari lirik Your Guardian Angle yang lagi didengerin sekarang :p

How Introvert Are You?

as same way as those, or worse.

Picture credits : Here and here 

Perks Of Being A Last Minute Worker

Brain: I should sleep, I should sleep, I should sleep

Heart: Not now self, learn several chapters left.

Me: SEVERAL???!!!!!

*happen almost in every mid-exam's night, lately I don't make it so well, here's little regret.

Kala

Making a way down town

Wlking fast, faces passed and I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead just making my way, making a way

through the crowd

and I need you, and I miss you

and now I wonder

If I could fall into the sky

Do you think time would pass me by

Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles

If I could just see you

Tonight

It's always time like this when I think of you

and I wonder if you ever think of me

Cause everything is so wrong and I don't belong

Living in your precious memory....

A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton)

Terakhir suka banget ngerepeat lagu ini tuh akhir tahun lalu, parah banget sampe pernah berdiri dan melamun lama di pintu belakang sambil mandangin langit, dengan earphone mutarin lagu ini, sekarang atau tahun lalu, feelnya masih sama, ngambang, aku nggak yakin aku lagi dimana sekarang, harus ngapain dan prioritasin apa, tahun lalu ketika ninggalin Banda Aceh masih satu tahun setengah, ataupun sekarang udah dua tahun setengah, masih sama aja, masih pengen banget pulang.

*****

Ada rasa kangen pengen kayak dulu lagi, ngulang ke masa-masa masih SMA, jaman-jamannya masih sering mellow, sukanya stargazing, jaman masih punya penyakit susah tidur jadi nggak tidur semaleman cuman buat nulis berlembar-lembar atau gunting-gunting kertas buat tulisin quote, resep, potongan lirik lagu, segala macem dan tempelin di satu sisi kamar yang aku jadiin kayak mading, masih suka-sukanya sama twilight dan edward cullen -______- jaman masih pake komputer tua yang udah pensiun sekarang dan nggak sempet-sempet aku repair :D jaman masih sering ngerepeat Shape Of My Heart-nya BSB atau ngafalin semua lagu dalam album Fearless-nya Taylor Swift, yes, I was there, I was too weird but I'd like to be that once again, dulu itu, walaupun suka gabung-gabung di organisasi dan ikut jadi panitia dalam banyak acara, sosialisasi aku tu payah banget, padahal kalo kata orang-orang belakangan ini, aku yang sekarang udah nggak seceria dulu, kemana-mana banyakan diem, dulu heboh, apalagi kalo diajak ngomong soal twilight, siap banget dari pagi sampe malam, dan kalo diingat malu banget sekarang :'D

I was there, dan rasanya pengen minjem mesin waktu dan balik lagi kesana, yang beban-beban hidupnya masih kayak takut dimarahin ayah kalo pulang diatas jam enam sore, soal tugas sekolah, soal berantem-berantem kecil sama temen, tapi aku nyesel karena waktu itu masih juga overthinking sama segala hal dan sering banget ngerasa nggak guna dan segala hal yang bikin aku down sampe sering stres sendiri, kalo dipikir sekarang, seharusnya, dulu bisa nikmatin semuanya dan buang semua pikiran-pikiran bodoh itu.

Sekarang udah empat-lima tahun udah nggak seperti itu lagi, lucunya, semua berubah drastis, drastis banget, aku sering merasa ngambang, nggak tau sekarang tinggal dimana dan lagi ngerjain apa, sering ngerasa banyak yang sia-sia, tapi, selalu nggak mau menyesal lagi dan berusaha ngerjain segala sesuatunya sebaik mungkin semampu aku, tapi ya tetap aja, banyak banget yang bikin sesak, dan bikin pengen ngulang lagi kayak dulu, tapi gimanapun mungkin ini hanya pikiran sesaat pas lagi down banget kayak gini, bedanya sekarang, udah agak (sedikit) dewasa dalam pandangan, jadi nyikapinnya juga, udah nggak mau buang waktu buat stres tapi fokus, slalu fokus dengan apa yang dikerjain, tapi tetap pengen nyisain waktu untuk curcol disini, tenangin diri :')

I Believe In Kindness

Belajar dari hal-hal yang dijauhkan, untuk mengerti betapa berharganya mereka, mereka yang terus hidup di pikiranku meskipun tak dapat ku lihat wajahnya, ku baca pikirannya, menebak-nebak apa yang mereka rasakan lewat matanya, mereka yang teramat peduli dan hal yang ingin ku lakukan sekarang adalah memeluk mereka.

Hidup selalu melaju tanpa kepastian akan kemana, kadang diterpa kesibukan yang luar biasa, kadang kosong dan yang ku lakukan adalah duduk dan melamun di kamar, kadang didera rasa malas, kadang begitu bersemangat, tidak ada yang bisa begitu ku mengerti sejauh ini.

Pagi senin yang ku awali dengan bersyukur, dengan tidak memikirkan akan apa yang terjadi, terus memilih untuk lebih banyak diam terhadap hal yang tidak berhak aku komentari, tapi tetap merasa wajib mengatakan setiap hal yang tidak akan menimbulkan salah paham lagi, pagi ini, aku sudah belajar satu hal dari penerimaan, bahwa hidup akan terus membawa kita ke arah yang tidak bisa diprediksi, sebagai salah satu subjek yang hidup di kefanaan, penerimaan adalah pilihan, menerima dengan terus melakukan, terus berjalan, dan ada waktunya untuk berlari, hidup untuk terus bekerja, dan terus mencari hikmah akan setiap kejadian, hidup untuk memperbaiki dan terus menjadi baik.

Aku percaya pada kebaikan, pada hasil yang baik ketika semua yang ku tanam adalah hal-hal baik, aku percaya karma, akan hal-hal yang akan berbalik pada diri seseorang didasari atas apa yang pernah ia lakukan, aku percaya pada kesempatan kedua, pada senyum yang tulus, pada kasih tanpa syarat, naif memang, dan aku juga percaya pada kenaifan, pada setiap harapan polos yang suatu hari akan terjadi, akan segera ku dapatkan.

Words Can Do That

Still awake and just watched she's out of my league and I wanna note a list for myself.

1. Stay away from insecurities, people was born with their own ability, they are all different, thats not mean what you have isn't good enough there is still no measurement to prove what you have is not good enough.

2. Insecure may lead to the lowest self-esteem, when you under-estimated yourself, there's the centre of your very first problem in a list.

3. Don't compare yourself with others, even when she/he has the same age as yours but she/he has got everything you won't taste the lack of it, better you be ready to do what you can do, struggling for what you can invent that maybe will give a little help for environment, spread the ideas, know and recognize more and more

4. Put your trust in people and believe they will do exactly like you will gonna see, like they are also want a perfect result for things you both working together, when it's not, that's definetely not the end of the world.

5. You need to do a little bit effort for friendship, relationship, and some others those has -ships on it. Do not ever compare your relationship/friendship with other's may have in their life, God has known everything we exactly need so He putted those people in our lives not just for no reason, when you can't still found out, doesn't mean it doesn't exsist. 

6. Don't show your feelings to the world too much--tell your society everything, make you one of those kids who have that less attention issue. Because you're not, you still need to figure it out of how to be a little bit maturer when there's no one around to help you in your daily activities or even ask how's your day--anything.

7. Focus on journey, not targets, one you feel like the target is still somewhere far you will lose your attention to your journey and you will go to sleep instead with no one there will slap your face and scream: wake up!!

8. Don't josh people even just there in bottom of your head, let them do what they want to do, and focus only with your life, on what your working to, they experienced a lot of different things and you do to, in fact we learned what we have from past life and you learn what yours, be better everyday, laugh more, talk less--so don't have anything to regret, tell people what bothers you, don't keep it inside what might ruined your day, blend with the world and avoid to look as despicable human being, just walk, walk, and sometimes enjoy running fast step by step in your life.

9. Be grateful, when you're not, thats your second problem (on a list), feeling okay with yourself when you have less and be kind when you have more is the sort of happiness in the universe, being grateful will lead a person to be a true self, and be yourself, like your head ever discussed before, anything they may have on their life out there they still can't get what you really have inside of you. Being grateful will build a huge self-confidence, and you have proof it more than once in life, self confidence is a key to you to get closer, a step closer to your dreams.

10. You can do it! Not because people tell you you can do it, cause, in the bottom of your heart, the sources of all goodness, God tells, and He never lies, avoid overthinking, when you can't do more, do less, do what you can do, no matter what, keep doing, focus on your work, and believe that happy life depends on how happy you're with the journey, not how will happy you're one day blabla, cause, sadness is good sometimes, dont stick on it, keep yourself away from that sadness for more than an hour, and go blend with people.

Actually, it's a lot happen to me this week and today I (actually) feel so blissful, this is kind of my day, woke up in the morning and still worry about how to role the day well but I did it best as I could and finally get a high score for taxation quiz I took from PDITT Universitas Indonesia, and went home with a not so starving tummy but dont get to eat a lot, having fun with the most caring friends I've ever had, get some calls from family, than recently bring me to His beautiful saying in the holy Qur'an: Fabiayyia laa irabbikumaa tukadzzibaan :)

Sing To Me The Song of The Stars

Sing to me the song of the stars

of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again

when it feels like my dreams are so far

sing to me all the plans that You have for me over and over again

Only Hope 

--Mandy Moore--

I miss you mom, I can't help you the way too much but complicate you a lot, I imagine if I can be close to you and do the dishes, do the laundry, cook, clean the house, and everything that made you less tired as you do those all now alone, and it seems like my dreams are still so far, and I beg you again for being patient and keep believing that I can do those all, I'll beat what's still dark, or grey and catch it up, and I will always learning more, be patient enough and keep going in my way, anything I will go through in order to pursue what I want.

and you don't want me to give up, right? Jadi, hanya karena semuanya terlihat makin sia-sia tidak lantas akan membuatku berhenti percaya dan berhenti melakukannya, setidaknya ada kesempatan, ada sesuatu yang bisa aku lakukan, dan aku sedang membangun mimpi-mimpi realistis dan membuang hal-hal yang tidak pernah menjadi hakku, seperti mimpi untuk mengahkhiri hal ini dengan baik dan bisa pulang ke rumah sebagai pemenang.