Another Random Thoughts

Friday, March 11, 2016

Sometimes it's exhausted to feel useless, failed to fix things just because me being so lazy, me postponed things a lot, me love working in every last minute time, then so the work itself became not so good, I hate losing control of things yet I sometimes feeling super bored and lazy about all of this, I didn't really enjoy being in the process of anything, yes, to be honest, I'm losing my track of feeling comfortable doing, it's just childish, you know, I hate being one, I hate seeing myself standing only in one place where people in my age move and move forward pursuing their dreams, it's stressing me out cause I always feel less, there's something wrong about me, there is something big upon me I can't explore, I can't elaborate, something like that, that is exactly what makes me giving up on so many things lately.

I (still) don't know what happen.

To me, age matters, I'll be 23 soon, and how I avoid talking about age this year, 23 is something, adding one number again in my age, I'm afraid, I'm afraid not to do good things, I'm afraid not to finish my study in the right time (well, I'm in my way to exhibit my thesis proposal in these next two weeks), I'm afraid not to get the job after I finish my study, earlier I thought it was a good idea to start my own online store (and I started RULLSCIAPROJECT)--yes, then some problems happened, well, I promise to fix it after I finish my task in university, leave it behind, this is so 20's something average problem, being scared of life, being insecure, or it's just me?

I gained weight, like extremely hard, I become bored on things I used to love making so much, post-breakup syndrome? I guess not, I could be looking so weak in some of blogposts but believe me, like average friends quite told me sometimes that I looked very strong, I never made it a habit to be sad, well I used to, but not anymore, I'm super fine, I just become lazy, and I hate to be that.

I don't keep that extremely creepy wishes anymore, I just wish that next months after this I can live seeing my mom everyday, getting a job, creating something to sell, the point is, making money, I really wanna see myself busy doing things, a useful me, me becoming reliable, somebody that people or at least my mom can be depend on, just that simple.

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