Been emotionally cursing myself for the lack of things done this past 6 months and always wonder if I may did it better and more, I laughed averagely five times after write that sentence down, yes, I've been there (I have a bit feeling I'm still there), you can see it in few last posts I made last year those represented me in those patches, and I kindly proud saying I'm done now.
The past 6 months, I quit my relationship with somebody who has been with me for the last five years, first time it feels like I didn't even remember the life I live where him not around, I've been in the day I'd like taking something to blame, the day I spent out wasting time just to sleep in the corner listening to sad songs, your 'let past go'-'how to deal with broken heart' keywords on google, postponed my thesis for 3 months, being angry with everyone just because your hearts in neverending denial of what just happened, that day I also hate myself to write these such things, the last is, finding out somebody is changing, believe me, this is the hardest.
I'm those one type of a person who hates losing people, I mourned my cousin (I considered as my lil sister) who's dead in the tsunami, I condemned myself so long time when my dad's gone, I hate the change, I don't know how to deal with losing, as I grow up, I feel it would go easier, but then I found myself still in difficulity of knowing there would always be somebody leaves.
He was the one I share my days, we shared dreams till the easy little stuff and we always know about each other, he was the one I texted first when I woke up and I can say he was the last one I ended talking in the day before I went to bed, we had to deal with long distance relationship over three years and it became the day where I have to let him go further for an internship (happy to know he got his dream job today), what I thought was, it would not be that creepy, but yes, life happened. I still can't see what's the point of our trouble that day, the last thing I know is dealing with changed people is hard--especially he was the one you trust so much and slighlty you adore a lot too, then I became desperate of losing again, where I thought first will just going to be fine because even when I was in relationship, I spent most time alone, away from my boyfriend, but it's not, I just also realised that my ex boyfriend has also become the most important man in my life, and me just being replaced.
I don't know how long it has been, but I've been shockingly, replaced.
I've been blaming so much, for the sake of the damnest day I know, I mostly blamed myself, it was so much easier to blame and ended up stressing out then accepting it the way my thousand friends asked me to do, and now, I can see it as a failure I've made, not the wrong choice, that was the best choice I've ever made being in that relationship, it was just failed, it didn't work out anymore.
Too many lessons I learned from failure, I had so many failures I regret but this one is kind of different failure, first, I've just experienced this thing for the first time, second, I was madly love mellow things--so, it was kinda excuse sometimes for feeling mellow just keep me safe inside (creepy enough but that's just me), and maybe the last is, lowest self esteem and it turns you down to the lowest level of insecurities, I felt down, unconfident, lack trust in everyone, and yes, I've experienced it once and I promise I will never, ever, ever, let myself be in that patch again in my life.
Trust me, it's just about losing, and the most horrible pain would heal in the right time, first time, I was glad that after 4 months, we became friends, but it didn't work out, maybe we aren't really mature enough to be friends, maybe it's just me, maybe there will be always so many things to do but I could just mourning my loss and be a dramaqueen, I don't know.
This is a confession, I was also a jerk, I was childish, I was--as usual, not good enough, I couldn't distract any decision moreover when it comes about you leaving me, I AM a dramagirl, but can we just leave it there?
******
I laugh a lot seeing me there, the thing is, I'm in the most awesome period of life today, life lesson will always be the most precious, I know how to thanked people whom stays, and being calm about having the past that still go everywhere around my head, it was just a childish part of me getting into process of mature, above all, life is moving on, so, I am also moving on, striving to get the better way to live, thing I learned to know is I have so many other sides in life, more experience to come and taking responsibility of being 22 year old adult. So yes, I'm proud saying it's no more him.
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