Lately, and by that I mean it's been few months already, I thought I kinda really addicted with my smartphone, scrolling Instagram for nothing, scrolling through old funny messages in Whatsapp Messanger, browsing this and that, searching old songs in Joox, I could spend hours doing nothing but staring at my phone, it's not like I never did that, but I didn't do that everyday, like, after office hours, during office hours when it's lack of work to be done, sometimes before office too, not to mention my weekend, this is so far steals my sanity, every procrastinating I did is because I was spending too much time with this little stuff on my hand, this really bothers me, at least that's why I write -____-

I already planned to cook for a long time, at least in weekend because I am one of the worst cook (probably not, I did cook and people ate my food without complaining, ini mau ngebela diri sendiri demi self-esteem aja sih muehehehe), I always planned to cook at weekend but then I can only remember it again in sunday night CK!, but things are different as I plan (or us, me and bf :D) to go to the next level next year a.k.a yes, getting married, what else? :D, this is really something, even, he knows that I'm no good with being at home and doing house work, like, cleaning the house, cooking, even he knows I'm not really neat as a woman and horeeee he doesn't complain, but traditionally, I perceive that a woman should cook, no matter how busy, how little she spent her time at the house, I have this thing inside of me that I'll be the woman my family will depend on, like, being responsible on everything, my work, my house duty, fulfilling my husband and kids needs,  as I grow up, I believe I already witness enough examples about type of women, and as all we know, nobody's really perfect, I don't want to be perfect, I only wanna be reliable.

Ini udah kemana sih? 

Oke, soal kecanduan smartphone.

At home, if there's no smartphone, I tried to open my laptop and go on movies folder, I had so many movies I haven't watch, last time I watched "Crazy Rich Asian" and I'm one of those people who thinks the movie was like, meh, just that, but the visual, I know I kinda liked it, so if I once leaving my phone, my head leads me to watch and skip (skip watching, as I said lol) "Crazy Rich Asian", by saying my head is leading, I mean, that one thing popped on my mind if I take a little time off staring at phone, what a sad truth :".

I got a long list of what to do but I haven't done anything in my life besides my work right now, I also need to improve my english, to open my accounting books to recall so many things, I need to clean out, really clean out my room, I want this, I want that, but now I wonder, where is my self-control?

Spending almost 20 minutes writing this because I checked my phone at least 5 times during this, I am ugly I wanna cry.

Semakin meneliti, semakin pula paham tentang makna padi semakin berisi semakin menunduk.

Manusia itu, jika benar ilmunya banyak, keliatan semakin ramah dan rendah hati..

P.S: Belakangan merasa sangat sangat bersyukur karena selalu ditempatkan Allah di sekitar orang-orang seperti ini. Alhamdulillah. (kadang sering bgt ngerasa saya nggak pernah ngapa-ngapain tapi dikasih banyak terus sama Allah, I feel beyond blessed, happyyy :')

US, Part 3

I remember that night we were talking about life, tenaagehood, high school life, things we’ve been missing and how far we’ve became,

“Sometimes, I wish I met you earlier.” You said, this felt warmth inside but all I can do is sigh (I’m a pro in hiding what I actually feel and express it somehow different wholefully).

“Despite on everything happened, today is relevant, this is the truth” Me replied, not sure about what I say.

“I don’t know, but sometimes. It’s only what if’s thoughts I couldn’t refuse.”

I was mesmerizing by thoughts about you, I’ve never been felt special in any way, being appreciated, those issues somehow disturbing.

“I don’t think I would feel the same if I ever seen you 7 years ago” randomly, I was wondering what you are thinking, and exactly, you pointed on that.

“Because you’re with a person? High school lover and all stuff?” I know you laughed.

“Nope, because I wasn’t yet at this point of life, what I experienced is different, I might not be the same person you know and you’re kinda pushing me away if you know me.”

Yea, that’s true.

“Lie.” You said, in the middle of the night and lil bit rainy outside, on long phone call and I was on my comfy and warmth bed.

“Hahaha…”

“That’s exactly why I wanted it to.” You said, and then we have long pause,

Then you add,

“I know I’d still like you, I don’t know, I’m just sure about it.”

Hey self,

Being terrified is undeniable sometimes, nevertheless, you've been through so many things, you went through tough patches wondering what is like to be free, in fact, there's no such thing as a constant freedom, take a break and a deep deep breath, keep walking elegantly, you're nothing but a mess thoughts in this freaking unpredictable world, but here's a news, more than one billion people struggles the exact same thing, so, chill out.

here is what to do:

* staying far from procrastinating, just like, now.

* list important stuffs, write, write!!! (I've been always into writing and reading, I might have lost myself to know there are only lack of writings I did even ones who doesnt need to think so much--like, making a list?)

* avoid overthinking, I know you can't, but most of times, you should.

* stubborn on failures, set your goal as high as you can do, you always know your limit, when you don't, you only lose yourself sometimes. 

* you're right, all of your decisions making are right, take a slow ride on punishing yourself about stuffs you can't handle.

you don't forget that human are just confusing, just...breathe.

me, dating at 25, 

"What's your MBTI sign?"

--"What's MBTI?"

"Seriously? You better take the test right now." sending online test link :'))

--"Is it matter?"

"YEASSHH!"

I miss you, Ayah, I really do.

one of the worst feeling in the world is hoping you could at just once time seeing where I am today, I might peeved yourself out, I might have made you proud. But whatever it is I only wanna see you.

Thank You

Life is too short and meaningless to spend with somebody you're not happy to be with, because really, happiness matters, and also comfortable, is crucial, because, what else do we need than going home in the end of the day, exhausted about life and have someone by our side to talk about...everything, to find our greatest listener, the one who stays.

And then it comes the time for me, to understand line I stated above, when I found him, he is the one who gets me, who listens to me, who cracks better jokes than anyone that gets me laugh till I cry, that you will always say nice stuffs, the one who's slightly putting my needs over his, the one who spend a bit of their busy time just to make sure I am doing okay, the one who, listens to me at 2 am complaining about my own (really like just mine) problem, though he was just got home and need to take a heavy long nap because he has been working a lot for three days and had just little sleep, that I am nothing but jerk sometimes but he accepted it even making his own joke about it, that he never, never even in just once time, trying to change me, he enjoys me with my childishness, me being overthinking, me having opinion about EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING, and do I forgot to mention that he also remember every single little things I said and did? He does, and I've never been feeling super appreciated, and I've never been feeling so sure about this, that I've fallen way too easy this time, toooooooo easy like, a month ago we are still strangers but look, three months after we are already something that is cute, that is perfect.

You really are my accepted prayers, the present God has been prepared just for me, and I kinda wanna be a person that is good for you too, a person whos there to fulfill your needs, a person who you feel understands you  (like how I feel about yourself),  I wanna be somebody you are relying on, that is I got long list about "I wanna be the one who is perfect for you" stuffs but I am just an insecure, pretty much too shy, and too lame, that is how I'm so grateful that you are staying eventhough you are already know my weaknesses, my turn off-point, that you never care about things like that.

I dont know how to express my feeling right now because I'm not a pro, but I hope you know how I'm feeling so grateful to have you by my side, everything feels like, you're worth the wait, and my past, good or bad, seems worth it, that all of my insecurities about this lovelife stuff, all my trust that has been betrayed, is paid off. As you said before, I also wish to meet you earlier so I wouldnt even need to feel those all stuffs, that I would fall in love with you sooner, and I guess my life would have been better. But no, it took a greatest pain to understand happiness, isnt it?

This is the last time I hope to feel so hopeless about thought: how could I be so dumb lately? Like, literally dumb and super slow, one of co worker told me that I was literally super slow and forget so much things, and he asked: is there anything really distracted your mind right now?

Today, I forgot where did I put a file, another day I was like spending 5 minutes of thinking when my friends asked about work stuffs, like, I completely lose it, its out, you know, I hate it when people noticed I wasnt serious about me doing this job, because I spent literally most of times in there, and even I am too, more than just too 'lazy' doing my last report, but I want everyone knows that I appreciate this chance like so much, this thing has changed me into more discipline and organized as a person, when I am looking like blowing it, believe me, its just another side of crazy me.


I'll try harder, I will do, immediately.

#1

road to this beauty, beauty, beautiful dream...

You.

--"Kadang ya, rasanya 'ini' terlalu cepat"

"Kenapa 'ini' harus terlalu lama?"

********

Pengen dimusiumin banget gaksi🙃

You

"Sometimes I wish I met you earlier."

--Me, exhale, "I think I wouldnt feel the same way if I met you 7 years ago"

"Cause you're with a person?"

--"Because I havent yet at this point of life, that makes me think and role like this, having this mindset."

"Thats exactly why I wanted it to".

*****

Screw pick-up lines, I need more energy boost like this😋

Us. (Part 1)

and so the greatest chapter of life is about to begin...

We are not perfect we'll learn from our mistakes

And as long as it takes I will prove my love to you

I am not scared of the elements I am underprepared

But I am willing

And even better

I get to be the other half of you

[I Choose You -- Sara Bareilles]