I always wanted to be that girl who is considered dumb just to surprise them in the end that I can really do everything by myself and I can fix things. It also like being under-estimated and how I excited to prove them wrong.

Sometimes, I'm asking myself, why?

I have so much in my shoulders already,
and I'm also sick,

I'm also like, take me back to days where everything is easier, days where I didn't need to spill these thoughts alone.

T H E W E DD I N G O F

Throwing back to the day we smiled nervously because we got to play dress-up and be the centre of attention, and because it wasn't 'us' at all, but it strange to say because behind the scene we were worked so hard and put our biggest struggle to get the day covered and then we prayed that everything went smooth and fast like a blink of eye so we don't have to suffer more, kinda weird.

The feeling of that day, I wanted to put many Celine Dion love songs, I wanted to go around the beach if I could after the day ended, I wanted to put a long YAIIY in my personal diary (which I didn't write for so long), I didn't know whether it is because I AM SO TIRED, or just excited to enter my new life, which once looked so weird and scary, but it was just theory, because being with you, is probably I am reaching my right path, because everything feels so right, and so genuine, the right feeling of not again regretting my past decision, and you are my happy place, that I can always come whenever I want, but I choose not to leave.

It's crazy how our path crossed, till we choose to wear that fancy dress pretending like we have no idea what happened, because not a little moments in there defined us, and we are relieved everything went well and here are we, ready to share our rest of our lives.

<3 <3 <3

God knows the best for you and when is the best for you to have it.

Suddenly it makes sense better than ever.

Cant stand the fact that Im falling so hard for you.

That every decision made feel so right.

Dear husband to be, 

I wish we met earlier, in the day I fought with myself everyday and how I was just a little mess, that I doubt that you would feel the same, 

I wish I met you when I was just started to renew my life 4 years ago, 

and sometimes I wish I met you when I still played in my yard catching butterflies,

I wish I found you earlier than finding my own self,

That I'm sure I would have been better,

That I wouldn't need to break myself to pieces, to sacrifice more than needed to find what happiness really is,

I wish I knew you first above all, 

This kind of feeling to write at 1:37 a.m

I could never say this straight to you,

I love you more than you know, more than you already believe,

And I'll be with you, accompany you, for the good and the bad, I will always be with you.

H-13 before the wedding. 

Feeling nervous about to wear a dress, a crown, being captured, being a spotlight.

Too much,

But never too worry about being a wife, about marriage life, about things that will come, about us.

And suddenly I understand, I have found the one, my perfect fit, my bestfriend, my missing piece.

I know you barely know my blog and you hate it because I never wrote anything in bahasa, but I'm already so full I can burst. Lets make a perfect team, sayang♡

When You Need to Post at 4 pm In The Morning

Being sick for almost a week, Mom is being my right handed person now, not just providing me everything I need but also the moral support itself, because sometimes, you need to keep on side things that driven inside yourself, and its impossible without mom right now, never been able to imagine. Fiancé also spent a day accompanying me, bought me some medicines and other things, brought me to the hospital, checking me everytime when he couldn't make it to be around me, even covered "Bohemian Rhapsody" tonight. 

When in other side, I left all of my outstanding works, cant help but feeling guilty of things I should be done but cant make it right now, in the moment where I feel Im on my lowest point of this work-life things, but still wake up feeling great and happy. I really dont know what happen and what I have done to make me deserve this.

and so the journey begins

Being accompanied to ride home at 10, while my place is so far from yours, while you got cough and cold and some other illness and brought no sweater, I got super hectic schedule and spent so little time with you, but its ok because you would struggle to make that little time works by having me complaining about everything and there you are always getting my things covered, sing a long westlife songs, fooling around, and having my best laugh for today, then I knew that nothing else in this world matters.


I love you, A. :)

:')

Today I feel so happy because everything went well, my work-life is just getting heavier but my realtionship to all colleagues just getting better, my sister has signed her new dream job, my family relationship just getting closer, all of my close friends in my college finally found their job, and fiance launched his office today and being busier than ever, probably this is the first time I'm being so happy that I wanted to cry at the same time. I'm happy for everyone I didn't get chance to see too often but they are fine anyway...

I really meant it because it feels like I want to cry but now I'm still at my desk doing one or two work left for today.

The last is that we (me and fiance) already found our H day, and our relationship just developed into some serious talks and plans, and plans, and I can't thank God enough for revolving my world around this person, I gained positive energy almost everyday and feeling so blessed.

2019 would be a kick off transformation for almost everything, life has been so good and God has always been so kind. 

Alhamdulillah...

You taught me how to be beyond thankful, beyond blessed, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you like the very bit of it like in my every heartbeat. God knows I only want you and I cant wait for our day too xx)

Kindness wins, always, and you are the kindest I know. Thank you for being so sure with me.

"Gapapa ding alay sekarqng, puas puasin aja, nanti bisa bikin malu.."

I got a lot to think about, but I choose this one over all.

Gadget Addiction and Other Things

Lately, and by that I mean it's been few months already, I thought I kinda really addicted with my smartphone, scrolling Instagram for nothing, scrolling through old funny messages in Whatsapp Messanger, browsing this and that, searching old songs in Joox, I could spend hours doing nothing but staring at my phone, it's not like I never did that, but I didn't do that everyday, like, after office hours, during office hours when it's lack of work to be done, sometimes before office too, not to mention my weekend, this is so far steals my sanity, every procrastinating I did is because I was spending too much time with this little stuff on my hand, this really bothers me, at least that's why I write -____-

I already planned to cook for a long time, at least in weekend because I am one of the worst cook (probably not, I did cook and people ate my food without complaining, ini mau ngebela diri sendiri demi self-esteem aja sih muehehehe), I always planned to cook at weekend but then I can only remember it again in sunday night CK!, but things are different as I plan (or us, me and bf :D) to go to the next level next year a.k.a yes, getting married, what else? :D, this is really something, even, he knows that I'm no good with being at home and doing house work, like, cleaning the house, cooking, even he knows I'm not really neat as a woman and horeeee he doesn't complain, but traditionally, I perceive that a woman should cook, no matter how busy, how little she spent her time at the house, I have this thing inside of me that I'll be the woman my family will depend on, like, being responsible on everything, my work, my house duty, fulfilling my husband and kids needs,  as I grow up, I believe I already witness enough examples about type of women, and as all we know, nobody's really perfect, I don't want to be perfect, I only wanna be reliable.

Ini udah kemana sih? 

Oke, soal kecanduan smartphone.

At home, if there's no smartphone, I tried to open my laptop and go on movies folder, I had so many movies I haven't watch, last time I watched "Crazy Rich Asian" and I'm one of those people who thinks the movie was like, meh, just that, but the visual, I know I kinda liked it, so if I once leaving my phone, my head leads me to watch and skip (skip watching, as I said lol) "Crazy Rich Asian", by saying my head is leading, I mean, that one thing popped on my mind if I take a little time off staring at phone, what a sad truth :".

I got a long list of what to do but I haven't done anything in my life besides my work right now, I also need to improve my english, to open my accounting books to recall so many things, I need to clean out, really clean out my room, I want this, I want that, but now I wonder, where is my self-control?

Spending almost 20 minutes writing this because I checked my phone at least 5 times during this, I am ugly I wanna cry.

Semakin meneliti, semakin pula paham tentang makna padi semakin berisi semakin menunduk.

Manusia itu, jika benar ilmunya banyak, keliatan semakin ramah dan rendah hati..

P.S: Belakangan merasa sangat sangat bersyukur karena selalu ditempatkan Allah di sekitar orang-orang seperti ini. Alhamdulillah. (kadang sering bgt ngerasa saya nggak pernah ngapa-ngapain tapi dikasih banyak terus sama Allah, I feel beyond blessed, happyyy :')

US, Part 3

I remember that night we were talking about life, tenaagehood, high school life, things we’ve been missing and how far we’ve became,

“Sometimes, I wish I met you earlier.” You said, this felt warmth inside but all I can do is sigh (I’m a pro in hiding what I actually feel and express it somehow different wholefully).

“Despite on everything happened, today is relevant, this is the truth” Me replied, not sure about what I say.

“I don’t know, but sometimes. It’s only what if’s thoughts I couldn’t refuse.”

I was mesmerizing by thoughts about you, I’ve never been felt special in any way, being appreciated, those issues somehow disturbing.

“I don’t think I would feel the same if I ever seen you 7 years ago” randomly, I was wondering what you are thinking, and exactly, you pointed on that.

“Because you’re with a person? High school lover and all stuff?” I know you laughed.

“Nope, because I wasn’t yet at this point of life, what I experienced is different, I might not be the same person you know and you’re kinda pushing me away if you know me.”

Yea, that’s true.

“Lie.” You said, in the middle of the night and lil bit rainy outside, on long phone call and I was on my comfy and warmth bed.

“Hahaha…”

“That’s exactly why I wanted it to.” You said, and then we have long pause,

Then you add,

“I know I’d still like you, I don’t know, I’m just sure about it.”

Hey self,

Being terrified is undeniable sometimes, nevertheless, you've been through so many things, you went through tough patches wondering what is like to be free, in fact, there's no such thing as a constant freedom, take a break and a deep deep breath, keep walking elegantly, you're nothing but a mess thoughts in this freaking unpredictable world, but here's a news, more than one billion people struggles the exact same thing, so, chill out.

here is what to do:

* staying far from procrastinating, just like, now.

* list important stuffs, write, write!!! (I've been always into writing and reading, I might have lost myself to know there are only lack of writings I did even ones who doesnt need to think so much--like, making a list?)

* avoid overthinking, I know you can't, but most of times, you should.

* stubborn on failures, set your goal as high as you can do, you always know your limit, when you don't, you only lose yourself sometimes. 

* you're right, all of your decisions making are right, take a slow ride on punishing yourself about stuffs you can't handle.

you don't forget that human are just confusing, just...breathe.

I miss you, Ayah, I really do.

one of the worst feeling in the world is hoping you could at just once time seeing where I am today, I might peeved yourself out, I might have made you proud. But whatever it is I only wanna see you.

I've spent last of 30 minutes thinking about how to be spirited and more outgoing in this kind of not so ready to face monday mood, googling about mood boosting tips and my browser tabs are full of it, my head is kinda heavy, my tummy is uncomfortable, I even went to my office cafetaria and buy three pieces of bakwan and eat it all by myself, this is my second day of period and I most likely to have dysmenorrhoea, you can click the link because I barely know it too :D Okay, inhalee.....exhale.....inhale.......exhale......

Dear self, you've been through a lot and you know it, there would be more obstacles to face in the future but you are now a much ready person than ever, do not rush, do not panic, everything is fine, it's even so fine not to know so much--lots of things about your work stuffs like your senior ever told you once that he learnt it by years to get to know a whole of work they have here, that is okay, that is okay to feel small because you have time to struggle more as you always do, you will learn so much more too, look back, sometimes, and thank God about what you have now.

errr, who wrote those stuffs above, please... bye!

Title The Untitled

As a strict life planner, I always know when I need to do something and why I'm going to do that, I always know what I want, like, everytime I look back, its just a little memory proofs that I mostly encounter everything based on 'what to do' 'what to choose' and why and why personally on my head. In daily activities, I used to be patient if it requires me to choose because I might have think about "the-it-all", the consequences, how to live that decision, etc, etc, everything that caused me scare and overthinking, and often, sad. That's why I guess I have only limited option cause I was only a restrained person.

In short, I hate uncertainty.

I don't risk, and my thoughts would not always right, I might be wrong, I already cancelled plenty of 'should-be-yes' decisions because I was too afraid, it's so much complicated to be myself, I know even it's humanly right to be wrong, but hell no, I wasn't made that way.

This is a realization I need to confess right now, during work, and slightly sliding memories in my head cause I'm that pro about multi-task, THIS IS ABOUT I SHOULD HAVE SAID SO MANY YES TO THINGS THAT HAS LEFT, and I shouldn't regret, because there's no place left on my head to process these kinda stuffs, my head is kinda heavy right now.

no, darling, my life is in its amazing patch, don't mistaken, this is just...trash.

Weird

More than a year being an officer and being called as "Ibu Suci" every single damn time I talk with people that has business with me (not co-workers) is still annoying like a lot like I lost words to use in every convos and I can't help but cursing myself why am I feeling like I'm 15 year old girl to be treated as and I will be just quiet and listen to them and they would end the chat faster with..."okay, then."

Maybe I'm still 15 year old girl with a lot more of responsibilities.

Cold

Do you feel the same?

Or I'm only dreaming?

Is this burning, an eternal flame?

***

Shane Filan did a good job by recycling "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles (1988).