These past few weeks has been crazy--(not the craziest, noted it!) but some of busiest days I've ever had in life, got no weekend since middle of july, I've been switched from headache to stomachache for quite times, and yes, I don't know what to write I just sometimes thinking of my past so much and missing being in there,

I miss being with my family,
and slightly wish that my husband has been a part of me since in childhood,
I wish so many things that impossible.

I'm just tired, I know, I didn't have holiday yet and freaking need one.

Wish me luck with everything.

"Gapapa ding alay sekarqng, puas puasin aja, nanti bisa bikin malu.."

I got a lot to think about, but I choose this one over all.

me, dating at 25, 

"What's your MBTI sign?"

--"What's MBTI?"

"Seriously? You better take the test right now." sending online test link :'))

--"Is it matter?"

"YEASSHH!"

This is the last time I hope to feel so hopeless about thought: how could I be so dumb lately? Like, literally dumb and super slow, one of co worker told me that I was literally super slow and forget so much things, and he asked: is there anything really distracted your mind right now?

Today, I forgot where did I put a file, another day I was like spending 5 minutes of thinking when my friends asked about work stuffs, like, I completely lose it, its out, you know, I hate it when people noticed I wasnt serious about me doing this job, because I spent literally most of times in there, and even I am too, more than just too 'lazy' doing my last report, but I want everyone knows that I appreciate this chance like so much, this thing has changed me into more discipline and organized as a person, when I am looking like blowing it, believe me, its just another side of crazy me.


I'll try harder, I will do, immediately.

#1

road to this beauty, beauty, beautiful dream...

I've spent last of 30 minutes thinking about how to be spirited and more outgoing in this kind of not so ready to face monday mood, googling about mood boosting tips and my browser tabs are full of it, my head is kinda heavy, my tummy is uncomfortable, I even went to my office cafetaria and buy three pieces of bakwan and eat it all by myself, this is my second day of period and I most likely to have dysmenorrhoea, you can click the link because I barely know it too :D Okay, inhalee.....exhale.....inhale.......exhale......

Dear self, you've been through a lot and you know it, there would be more obstacles to face in the future but you are now a much ready person than ever, do not rush, do not panic, everything is fine, it's even so fine not to know so much--lots of things about your work stuffs like your senior ever told you once that he learnt it by years to get to know a whole of work they have here, that is okay, that is okay to feel small because you have time to struggle more as you always do, you will learn so much more too, look back, sometimes, and thank God about what you have now.

errr, who wrote those stuffs above, please... bye!

Sigh

Minggu ini tiba-tiba ditawarin sesuatu yang bikin harus kerja dua kali lipat lebih keras daripada kalo dikasih taunya sebulan yang lalu, tapi sejak pengen banget sibuk sibukin diri (yaaah dari pada bosen di kos sendirian), aku terima aja, since I *surprisingly* like to learn everything so much lately, jadi beberapa hari ini otak sama badan di press banget sampe cuman bisa tidur dua-tiga jam sehari. Point is, wish me luck yaaaaa, semoga semua yang diusahakan bulan ini berjalan lancar, by the way berapa minggu lagi mau seminar (akhirnyaaa) setelah tiga bulan nunggu dipanggil :')) semoga cepet lulus dan pulang lagi bisa bareng sama keluarga lagi, amin.

Just A Little Bit Too Much

Semalem begadang sampe jam empat pagi, trus bangun beberapa jam kemudian kayak merasa dehidrasi, karena air di galon udah mau abis jadi cuman bisa neguk satu gelas doang dan akhirnya belabuh disini. *gak enak banget bahasanya berlabuh:D*

Jadi, ini ceritanya masih liburan  tidur-makan-wifian di alue bilie, Nagan Raya, sekitar dua jam diatas Aceh Barat, karena bosen, bisa kali ya kalo ngeshare sesuatu yang ditulis semalah, this is kinda super personal, yhaaaaaa emang selalu personal sih kayak biasanya juga, bukan maksud mau ngumbar-ngumbar, but you should know earlier this is the blog where I write to record my life *halaaahhhh apaan sih* here we go.

*****

Fin.

Love is a minefield. You take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess that's human nature. 
-- Kate Welles (Famke Janssen)

Now I have to remain myself is no more failure to make and more focus to live, Allah has been very very very very kind with life lessons and so much more opportunities ahead waiting for me to take, I have learnt that everything has shaped that way since every beginning no more than make us wiser in the end, Allah has showed that every doubts I have in my past relationship has this kind of result.

I didn’t hate myself for giving such every spirit to love, I loved very very deep, no, when something isn’t fall on it’s place doesn’t mean that my life will end, I know, I have so many times to figuring out more things today, especially to prove what I can do. I have unrealistic dream and I dare myself to make it happen today, I tried something very new to me which first I doubt myself but it went great so far, I’m so close with my bachelor degree, I have plenty of short term expectations, the most important thing is I have learnt that everything we plan it will be wiser to settled it first in our parents point of view—My mom felt okay with everything I take lately and she even said I have such a gift as seeing something in a good way—surprisingly, everything like has it’s own transformation, I’m no longer a person who avoid listening to the songs I loved in this past 5-6 years, okay, that’s quite shallow, me, for instance, hating the streets once, how I love being escape outside Banda Aceh just because I had so many-many-many-many-many memories there (yes, still about that last current problem), now I even see it as unforgivable thing for me being spoiled like that. I quite emotionally saying I have been through the worst thing (I can’t just write down here) and now my head has it’s own thing to overcome rather than wasting time having meaningless thinking that I should early know just to waste my time.

These 7 months parachute and he is we were always bother me, feeling betrayed or else—now they are playing in shuffle <3

I *in a strange way* is 22 year old who re-arrange stuffs I aim a lot since I was a kid, yes, it’s a lil bit lie because I’m not that type of person who always knows what I want (this is actually is the root of every trouble of my condition today), but, seriously, I’m shaping things today, wake up with schedule, starting day forcing myself not to be lazy and push myself harder to work even when I was so tired, I have told you, I should try twice everything today because of long gone mistakes I made and I have no regret afterall.

In *also* strange way, I can hear the conspiration of the world that made me I am today is when Allah tries to speak louder to me, I don’t need to put Mario Teguh quote in here right? I’m way more messier in putting words together but I loved to see my writings done :D Yes, Allah speaks to me, dragging me away and somehow moving on is one and only choice He gives to me. I was weaker few months ago, but I wasn’t the type of a person who get mad or mess somebody’s decision—who crazily entering somebody’s life and make them feeling guiltier, no, I’m this sentimental, I believe in destiny—I believe what I need to see to build a stronger me, it’s always weird but proud to try, hahaha:’))

Anyone can only see this writing is me trying to cheer myself up, well, I am, but I don’t have that much energy to put attention on things everyone says about me, even my friends keep remind me in a harsh way about old habbit which is actually gone but I’m still ‘being easy on it’, well, I’m grateful to have such super good friends in my life, Dewi, for instance, and CBC, whom always there, living life together, making dream happens together, that’s sometimes thing I take for granted and the rest I know this is the only one best treasure I still have till today.

For somebody out there *if you still read my writings, you will always know it’s you, yes, you know what, it’s still you, it’s always been you*, I really really really do happy that you are living your dream today, I’m sorry I’m that selfish, but I can picture my work is done then, we were a pair in everything though, yes, in the past, I can see you are also living happier life with the new person today, no, I’m lying or being super innocent saying I’m not jealous, but in the best way (I don’t care if this saying is only some crap to make me sleep well tonight), you should know, you have made me the happiest, you have also made me I am today, you have done super great works as the best partner I have so far, I don’t get mad to you, if I could just write the last *I promise you this is the last* message to you it would always be:

Go, go follow your dream, satisfy yourself, make your parents happy, go make you the man your dad will always tell his friends about, be the best son, the best brother, don’t forget your friends behind, never skip your prayer, have a faith if it’s hard today doesn’t mean it’ll be hard forever, you’re brilliant, you’re amazing, you’re smart, and you have everything, just be the best version of yourself then, people loves you.

Like in two seconds I know, you would never have time to even see this blog anymore, it’s okay, you’re just the reason behind but I don’t always write to you, this is to me, as you can see. :)

Name your current self: Selfish, lazy, worried, terrified, tired.

I never know what I have to face the next day, this is absolutely wrong, even it has hundred of reasons behind, this is wrong, wake up in a place that might scary you a lot, a place that unfamiliar to you, facing people those hate you, walk alone to somewhere you wish would make you smarter, but currently not anymore, making friends but end up being hating each other, seeking for perfection but never happened, you hate to deal with bullshit, but they thought you were just that selfish.

I started to speak a lot, a lot, I mean, a lot like I always have something to let people know, unimportant ones that made me regret in the end, I don't know why, this is definetely wrong, two days have passed and I stuck in this kind of thinking that this is wrong, but I can't do more than just accept it and do it again, I'm lazy, I'm blablabalabaaaaaarrrrrraaaassss

INSECURITIES

How to make it?

That is the first possible question in my head after hearing a friend told me he has registried me to an english debate competition, how could he believe so much to me while I don't have a bit trust to myself, and yes, I was cracking by that question a whole day today.

Deep inside, I really want to take it and prove to myself that I at least have an ability to be proud of, or at least to prove the emvironment that never fail to get me down by underestimated me the whole time that I at least have something to focus in life, (put so many at least, because yeah, least it is), I think I have never been good in english just in case to speak about a debate competition area, A DEBATE COMPETITION it is, imagine what I have to say.

It's not one or two times I figured out about this less confident issue, the research said that maybe I don't really love myself, thing is, no, I really love myself that I afraid to just taking challenge (and sounds like excuse, or funny), how if I just embarrasing myself by taking this? How to speak in front of audience watching? How if I forgot one or two important words? Why if...

Why if I can't make it perfect?

No, don't call me perfectionist, I was, but not anymore, I don't take chance that I think I'm not capable with just because I don't want to ended up dissapointing them whom support me, I sweat ever small stuffs in working, I am overthinking, that's why I mess up, and end up regret thinking if I could take care for some little things maybe this could going perfectly as planned.

I don't really enjoy being in the process of working, I can easily being distracted or bored, for instance, in this semester I really stoked to find a thesis title and hope to finish my thesis in the next semester, I got three times being refused by my lab lecturer, and still stoked, and then I got another 'job' as a ticket seller for an english seminar, and then getting distracted, I felt how it's hard to find the title and think why I was being in a hurry while my friends still enjoy being around a normal 6th semester student (undergradute education in Indonesia take 4 years long/8th semester for graduation), after the seminar passed, almost two weeks ago, I've just had two days for being stoke again about the title, but not really, I am actually excited by a week holiday after the middle exam (not a campus-off, I just wanna come home and taking a week off :D), so, I doubt myself a lot about the competition, while inside, I feel like I can do this, like I have to take this chance.

INSECURITIES, has been a friend of mine for a whole lifetime, and I don't know how to fix it, been searching for tips or research or literature, but it was so easy to read so hard to do, this post is only a reminder if maybe I would read again 20 years later (HAHAHAHAHA) and some tips I could give to myself is here, nope, don't want to advise anyone here, this is for me, I'm not good at fixing insecurities why am I needing to advise anyone :D

• Don't take it seriously, you know, people mocking, they do everything they wanted to do, and so do you, find another thing to focus and enjoy life, 
• Solitude is good, it is always good, imagine the waves dancing in the beach, or soft rain (also in beach), when the horizon turns out grey and the wind blows your hair, and there is your favorite music, you're alone, imagine 4-5 years later, or recall your memory, and do it, take your me-time somewhere.
• Imagine what possible to do in your future is good, but don't hit the stars, it's suck, learn from your past.
• You can do it, learn how people make it, learn how not to be distracted, to concentrate on your work, learn how to appreciate every responsible that has given to you,  less-torturing your self by thinking it has to always be perfect in the end, because no matter how it will end, do it as hard as you can, because good effort never dissapointed.
• TAKE THIS CHANCE, self, it's better to end up losing than never be on it at all.
• Maybe there is also so many people that has limitation just like you do, you're never that smart, never that great, imagine they are in the same competition as you, so your rival is also has the same kind of ability as you, so yeah.

And hahaha this is rude, but do it, self, don't be dissapointed anymore (:

Hey fellas, good to be back *nyapu-nyapu dulu karena berdebu banget ini blog* tonight I decide a random thing to write (since I don't have a that good mind to make good ones) and that will be like:

Be careful of what you wish for...

That mainstream quote took me here, hahaha, no this not kind of a serious thought, since once I decided to make this blog easy to read, so, hahaha, okay, sebenarnya ada apa dengan sya dan quote di atas? Simple, I had done so many wishes as I remember, a lot I regret so, kadang agak nyesel sama beberapa wishes yang udah terkabul dan itu yang random banget.

Salah satunya adalah, tinggal sendiri :)))

There is no place like home, that's absolutely right, flashback sedikit, mungkin bukan sekali dua kali aku pernah cerita kalo aku pernah insecure banget, semacam kurang pede yang cenderung menyedihkan di jaman SMP-SMA, aku anti sosial, cepet banget tersinggung, nggak pede berlebihan, cenderung cepet marah, dan banyak nyimpen dan mendam cerita sendiri, even to both parents or other family, dan cenderung suka gampang banget marah ke keluarga.

Jadi, dulu itu aku sering banget berkeinginan buat tinggal sendiri, in a place somewhere when I grow up, jadi mungkin karena 'kemakan' film-film barat gitu yang cewek-cewek independen, kerja kantoran, yang tinggal sendiri, yang setiap pagi order starbucks dan ke kantor jalan kaki itu, I dreamed to have a tiny place as a hard working woman in the future (put HAHAHA here).

I was there in that so random dream, and now I know how it suck to live alone.

Tonight I literally so alone, oh, homework is my latest bestfriend, which is suck-er.

and then start hating my decision to take chance to school here, but no, hey, time flies, now I'm in the 6th semester! and my thesis title was accepted by my research lecturer, happy :')))))

But yeah it's still, there is no place like home, and so once again, even on deciding to wish something, you'd rather be wise (:

Deep Inside Me I Can Be The One

Pernah nggak berbuat sesuatu dan nggak dihargai?

Pernah nggak merasa udah selalu hati-hati tapi tetep dianggap salah?

Pernah berada di posisi yang sendiri aja tertekan tapi merasa tetap wajib memperhatikan orang lain di sekitar?

Aku belajar banyak minggu-minggu ini, terutama mengenai penerimaan, tetap menerima walaupun sering tertekan, tetap berbuat walaupun nggak dihargai, kadang-kadang merasa harus ikhlas walaupun nggak dilirik sedikitpun, bukan karena sekedar males ngomong dan ngejelasin, tapi 'menyimpan' dan merasa baik-baik aja sampe semuanya kembali baik-baik aja itu menyenangkan, lebih tenang, lebih nyaman.

Semuanya berawal dari tugas kelompok akuntansi pajak dimana tugasnya adalah bikin buku, yap, BIKIN BUKU, mungkin tugas ini bukan hal yang heboh banget bagi sebagian kampus, tapi untuk kampus dengan grade kedua di Aceh ini hal ini bener-bener nguras tenaga, kita belajar nyusun buku sendiri dengan seabrek referensi sekaligus ngedit, harus bener-bener paham dari A-Z apa yang kita tulis karena tanggung jawabnya besar banget kan ya kalo salah-salah, mana lagi, buku yang terbaik akan dipilih sama dosen buat diterbitin, yah, walaupun pake nama sang dosen, apalah daya, namanya mahasiswa ya banyak-banyak ngalah aja :D

Jadi, setelah mau satu semester ini kita ngebahas bab per bab materi akuntansi pajaknya, ini adalah waktunya nyusun bab per babnya, mungkin nggak akan seribet ini kalo peraturannya nggak berubah-ubah, yang tadinya dibilang nggak boleh pake bahasa sendiri dan harus pure buku dalam paper,  dan nggak boleh ngambil referensi dari internet, jadi, hari terakhir liburan di rumah waktu itu, karena aku nggak masuk seminggu di minggu pertama ngampus, sore menjelang magrib aku keliling seputaran jalan mohammad jam banda aceh buat nyari buku karena temen nitip dan ngabarin di waktu semepet itu, dimana magribnya harus udah berangkat ke lhokseumawe, trus, sekarang pas mau nyusun harus nyari banyak referensi dan nggak boleh copas harus bener-bener nyusun buku -_____- perjuangan banget asal menjelang final gini tugas lagi banyak-banyaknya dan ditambah tugas buat buku ini, jadi begadang tiap malam, walaupun nggak cuman nyusun buku ini, sekalian juga tugas yang lainnya, mana karena tugas kelompok jadi mau nyamain kepalanya itu susah banget, nguras tenaga banget, serius!

Puncaknya adalah pas dapet sms dari ketua kelompok beberapa hari lalu, sms yang terkesan kesel dengan nada nggak enak yang sukses bikin nyeri kepala dikit karena mikir itu mlulu, katanya sih gini, aku nggak serius dan nggak iklas ngerjainnya, sampe akhirnya aku telfon dia dan dia berkilah katanya maksudnya nggak kayak yang dismsin, oke, oke, aku udah lupa soal itu sekarang, yang aku ingat adalah, aku harus maafin dia, biasa manusia kalo khilaf, kalo lagi capek dan nyari pelampiasan, ya aku maklumin karena kerjaan dia sendiri banyak banget, dia yang paling mendominasi disini, tapi serius aku nggak dapet banyak banget kerjaan dan setau aku untuk minggu ini tugas itu cuman direvisi isinya, nggak dikoreksi dari A-Z, dari gimana cover harusnya, dan lain-lain sampe latian soal, 

Bukan masalah besar, and I knew, I admit it, deep inside, she was right, aku udah terlalu malas sekarang, keseringan terdistract hal-hal lain, kayak planning yang mau dilakuin pas pulang nanti, ingat keluarga terus, ingat banda aceh terus, hal-hal nggak penting yang aku tau bakalan aku sesalin nantinya, aku udah nggak seserius dulu, dulu, sehari nggak pegang buku rasanya udah waste of time banget, kalo sekarang, dua hari nggak belajar udah biasa, ya bukan karena nggak ada alasan, makin kesini, masalah makin banyak, banyak hal yang bikin jadi pikiran, walaupun masih bisa bersyukur gimanapun keadaannya, tetap aja aku nggak mampu untuk manage semuanya dengan otak yang cuman satu ini, dengan tenaga yang sedikit ini, dengan kebiasaan masalah-itu-diciptain-buat-dipikirin-bukan-dicuekin itu.

Tapi penerimaan, merasa baik-baik saja, sampe semuanya akan kembali seperti semula, memilih ngertiin orang lain--karena aku selalu, selalu, pengen dingertiin juga. :')

Judulnya dipilih random dari lirik Your Guardian Angle yang lagi didengerin sekarang :p

Perks Of Being A Last Minute Worker

Brain: I should sleep, I should sleep, I should sleep

Heart: Not now self, learn several chapters left.

Me: SEVERAL???!!!!!

*happen almost in every mid-exam's night, lately I don't make it so well, here's little regret.

Kala

Making a way down town

Wlking fast, faces passed and I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead just making my way, making a way

through the crowd

and I need you, and I miss you

and now I wonder

If I could fall into the sky

Do you think time would pass me by

Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles

If I could just see you

Tonight

It's always time like this when I think of you

and I wonder if you ever think of me

Cause everything is so wrong and I don't belong

Living in your precious memory....

A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton)

Terakhir suka banget ngerepeat lagu ini tuh akhir tahun lalu, parah banget sampe pernah berdiri dan melamun lama di pintu belakang sambil mandangin langit, dengan earphone mutarin lagu ini, sekarang atau tahun lalu, feelnya masih sama, ngambang, aku nggak yakin aku lagi dimana sekarang, harus ngapain dan prioritasin apa, tahun lalu ketika ninggalin Banda Aceh masih satu tahun setengah, ataupun sekarang udah dua tahun setengah, masih sama aja, masih pengen banget pulang.

*****

Ada rasa kangen pengen kayak dulu lagi, ngulang ke masa-masa masih SMA, jaman-jamannya masih sering mellow, sukanya stargazing, jaman masih punya penyakit susah tidur jadi nggak tidur semaleman cuman buat nulis berlembar-lembar atau gunting-gunting kertas buat tulisin quote, resep, potongan lirik lagu, segala macem dan tempelin di satu sisi kamar yang aku jadiin kayak mading, masih suka-sukanya sama twilight dan edward cullen -______- jaman masih pake komputer tua yang udah pensiun sekarang dan nggak sempet-sempet aku repair :D jaman masih sering ngerepeat Shape Of My Heart-nya BSB atau ngafalin semua lagu dalam album Fearless-nya Taylor Swift, yes, I was there, I was too weird but I'd like to be that once again, dulu itu, walaupun suka gabung-gabung di organisasi dan ikut jadi panitia dalam banyak acara, sosialisasi aku tu payah banget, padahal kalo kata orang-orang belakangan ini, aku yang sekarang udah nggak seceria dulu, kemana-mana banyakan diem, dulu heboh, apalagi kalo diajak ngomong soal twilight, siap banget dari pagi sampe malam, dan kalo diingat malu banget sekarang :'D

I was there, dan rasanya pengen minjem mesin waktu dan balik lagi kesana, yang beban-beban hidupnya masih kayak takut dimarahin ayah kalo pulang diatas jam enam sore, soal tugas sekolah, soal berantem-berantem kecil sama temen, tapi aku nyesel karena waktu itu masih juga overthinking sama segala hal dan sering banget ngerasa nggak guna dan segala hal yang bikin aku down sampe sering stres sendiri, kalo dipikir sekarang, seharusnya, dulu bisa nikmatin semuanya dan buang semua pikiran-pikiran bodoh itu.

Sekarang udah empat-lima tahun udah nggak seperti itu lagi, lucunya, semua berubah drastis, drastis banget, aku sering merasa ngambang, nggak tau sekarang tinggal dimana dan lagi ngerjain apa, sering ngerasa banyak yang sia-sia, tapi, selalu nggak mau menyesal lagi dan berusaha ngerjain segala sesuatunya sebaik mungkin semampu aku, tapi ya tetap aja, banyak banget yang bikin sesak, dan bikin pengen ngulang lagi kayak dulu, tapi gimanapun mungkin ini hanya pikiran sesaat pas lagi down banget kayak gini, bedanya sekarang, udah agak (sedikit) dewasa dalam pandangan, jadi nyikapinnya juga, udah nggak mau buang waktu buat stres tapi fokus, slalu fokus dengan apa yang dikerjain, tapi tetap pengen nyisain waktu untuk curcol disini, tenangin diri :')

Words Can Do That

Still awake and just watched she's out of my league and I wanna note a list for myself.

1. Stay away from insecurities, people was born with their own ability, they are all different, thats not mean what you have isn't good enough there is still no measurement to prove what you have is not good enough.

2. Insecure may lead to the lowest self-esteem, when you under-estimated yourself, there's the centre of your very first problem in a list.

3. Don't compare yourself with others, even when she/he has the same age as yours but she/he has got everything you won't taste the lack of it, better you be ready to do what you can do, struggling for what you can invent that maybe will give a little help for environment, spread the ideas, know and recognize more and more

4. Put your trust in people and believe they will do exactly like you will gonna see, like they are also want a perfect result for things you both working together, when it's not, that's definetely not the end of the world.

5. You need to do a little bit effort for friendship, relationship, and some others those has -ships on it. Do not ever compare your relationship/friendship with other's may have in their life, God has known everything we exactly need so He putted those people in our lives not just for no reason, when you can't still found out, doesn't mean it doesn't exsist. 

6. Don't show your feelings to the world too much--tell your society everything, make you one of those kids who have that less attention issue. Because you're not, you still need to figure it out of how to be a little bit maturer when there's no one around to help you in your daily activities or even ask how's your day--anything.

7. Focus on journey, not targets, one you feel like the target is still somewhere far you will lose your attention to your journey and you will go to sleep instead with no one there will slap your face and scream: wake up!!

8. Don't josh people even just there in bottom of your head, let them do what they want to do, and focus only with your life, on what your working to, they experienced a lot of different things and you do to, in fact we learned what we have from past life and you learn what yours, be better everyday, laugh more, talk less--so don't have anything to regret, tell people what bothers you, don't keep it inside what might ruined your day, blend with the world and avoid to look as despicable human being, just walk, walk, and sometimes enjoy running fast step by step in your life.

9. Be grateful, when you're not, thats your second problem (on a list), feeling okay with yourself when you have less and be kind when you have more is the sort of happiness in the universe, being grateful will lead a person to be a true self, and be yourself, like your head ever discussed before, anything they may have on their life out there they still can't get what you really have inside of you. Being grateful will build a huge self-confidence, and you have proof it more than once in life, self confidence is a key to you to get closer, a step closer to your dreams.

10. You can do it! Not because people tell you you can do it, cause, in the bottom of your heart, the sources of all goodness, God tells, and He never lies, avoid overthinking, when you can't do more, do less, do what you can do, no matter what, keep doing, focus on your work, and believe that happy life depends on how happy you're with the journey, not how will happy you're one day blabla, cause, sadness is good sometimes, dont stick on it, keep yourself away from that sadness for more than an hour, and go blend with people.

Actually, it's a lot happen to me this week and today I (actually) feel so blissful, this is kind of my day, woke up in the morning and still worry about how to role the day well but I did it best as I could and finally get a high score for taxation quiz I took from PDITT Universitas Indonesia, and went home with a not so starving tummy but dont get to eat a lot, having fun with the most caring friends I've ever had, get some calls from family, than recently bring me to His beautiful saying in the holy Qur'an: Fabiayyia laa irabbikumaa tukadzzibaan :)

Passion~

Lagi pengen ngomongin soal passion, passion itu buat aku sejenis hal yang udah duluan hilang sebelum bener-bener aku perjuangkan. Ok, let's name it, dari dulu aku suka nulis, even I'm bad with it, dari dulu selalu suka pelajaran bahasa inggris, walau untuk translate jurnal yang disuruh dosen pun susah, dari dulu kepengen kuliah di harvard, no I'm serious, walopun gak pernah mikir jurusan apa karena yang aju suja tentang harvard cuma sebatas view dan sedikit yang aku tau tentabg nature-nya, dari kecil pengen jadi psikolog dan ngetes dijurusab itu dua kali dan gagal di tahun 2011, dari dulu selalu suka liat acara tv jalan-jalan yang hostnya selalu ke tempat-tempat eksotis dan tau tentang yang gak semua orang tau tentang hal tersebut dan pengen juga seperti itu walaupun wilayah terdekat di Aceh aja gak terjangkau buat aku. It seems impossible, especially now, I didn't choose my passion, I choose what keeps me walking, begitu lulus SMA, dan sadar kalo untuk bisa keterima di suatu perguruan tinggi susah, aku jadi gak mau macem-macem, yang penting keterima aja udah sukur, cukup rejeki buat kuliah aja udah alhamdulillah, lagian, aku sadar untuk nurutin passion kayak gitu mengharuskan aku untuk punya pergaulan yang lebih luas, which is bad to me, kadang-kadang ngerasa, untuk punya temen yang bisa bertahan lebih dari satu-dua tahun aja udah sukur, I'm that very less common sense person, dan setelah menjalani ini udah tiga tahun setelah lulus SMA, wara wiri di diploma 1 di tahun pertama dan udah ditingkat 3 universitas sekarang, semuanya masih belum terlalu jelas, I even forgot what I reallly feel passionate with, I keep walking, dan kalo ditanyai mau jadi apa, buram, banget.

I once ever feel so jealous dengan orang yang dapet kerjaan sesuai passion dan hobi tapi tetep dapet uang banyak--nggak bisa dipungkiri memang, to live in this place, uang itu adalah salah satu tolak ukur seseorang sukses apa enggak, dan di lingkungan ini juga passion gak terlalu dipedulikan, tiap orang dituntut sekolah bagus tinggi tinggi, trus dapat kerjaan bagus lalu ngumpulin duit sebanyak-banyaknya, as a person, I dont wanna be a hypocrite, I need money, I really wish to have a job that makes me earn lot, lots of money, gak peduli mau sesuai passion atau nggak, toh, selama dua tahun ini, aku udah selalu berjuang menghadapi bosan karena sering merasa salah jurusan, kan? Kadang sampe mual saking bosannya dan selalu ngerasa ini sia-sia, but I don't give up, something can't be real until we give it a try, so I tried, I tried to punch back anything seems punched me so hard in here, pada akhirnya, saya juga ingin terlihat kuat dan menjadi pemenang, pada akhirnya, saya rasa untuk bisa kuliah aja sudah merupakan anugerah so I embrace it and never gonna take it for granted.

Pada akhidnya, yang dikejar adalah rasa selalu ingin membuktikan diri, to prove that I can to whoever has underestimated me, no passion left, dari mulai nggak pernah mikir akan nulis buku lagi, nggak pernah penden main-main, selalu serius dan fokus, dan berharap suatu saat yang aku jalani sekarang udah yang terbaik, yang aku seriusin sekarang adalah yang benar-benar bisa 'membantu' kehidupan aku suatu saat nanti.

But, to see 9gag's twitter pic this morning is emotionally punch me down, I miss my thoughts, my pass life, how I create my mindset good to always stay straight in my dreams, work for that, and even it's still impossible, I realized maybe I just never have done anything, I never truly see how it works around here, or I skipped my passion to anything I said keeps me walking, apapun yang nggak bisa aku miliki aku akui karena aku gak terlalu memperjuangkannya, whether it was so hard or it's me always feel tough, it's not happen to me. But I can say for this chance--I always love to say this is my last chance to keep me work so hard, I'd never take this for granted, the future awaits now, I need to prove to myself first that I can do it, and I'd do it, done this well and think my another step to chase, and do it even better, so, yeah, it's my passion now.

What You See Bad In Yourself is Actually Worth It

Reblog from Sonia Eryka's tumblr titled 25 Signs You Are The Kind of Woman The World is Scared of

1. You have a lot of opinions about a lot of things, and you just can’t keep them to yourself.

2. You mean what you say and say what you mean – none of that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus nonsense.

3. You never back-down from an argument. You’re not always starting them but you sure as hell finish them when necessary.

4. You have really high standards for the people you choose to be around and you’re not afraid to leave behind those who cannot meet it.

5. You’ve got even higher standards for any person who wants to be with you, romantically.

6. You’d much rather fail at doing things your way than succeed while being a people-pleaser.

7. You do not tolerate drama but you also will stand up for yourself if the situation calls for it.

8. You love being in charge, taking control, and anything and everything that makes you feel powerful.

9. You’re called high maintenance for knowing what you like (and what you like happens to be of finer tastes.)

10. Coco Chanel, Maya Angelou, and Queen Victoria are your spirit animals.

11. You’ve always thought aspiring to be “like a man” is something people who lack ambition do.

12. You are not afraid to ask your boss for a raise because you want to be paid what you deserve.

13. When you want something, you go for it, unapologetically.

14. You are not afraid to “be alone” because that is 1000 times better than getting less than what you deserve.

15. In a relationship, you ask for what you need and you are willing to compromise some things, but not everything.

16. You make disloyal people regret their words and/or actions.

17. But you never take revenge, because you know the best revenge is success.

18. You also always forgive your enemies but like every sensible person, “you never forget their names.”

19. You don’t apologize for crying or not crying.

20. You relish your strengths and accept your weaknesses and consider self-growth an everyday endeavor.

21. You intimidate people with your confidence – not just men or women – people in general.

22. You are allergic to people’s bullshit and you do not hestitate to inform them of that.

23. You like to think of yourself as “not a lover or a fighter” but someone who will indeed, “fight for what and whom they love.”

24. You’re not afraid of being called difficult because you know it’s just a word society uses for women who aren’t afraid to challenge the status quo.

25. And you are always slightly overdressed for everything. 

— by Kovie Biakolo

In Craving For...?

Because no matter how far you ride, how many people you met, you'll always alone. In some ways, it'd be better, live in the whole fine life with your strange thoughts, weird dreams which are reflects some pictures in your head, and thats you being happy in a dumb of fakes, never ever been dare to make it real, never having a big confidence to show up that I can, having a belief that things gonna be okay. Just me, my strange thoughts, and unstoppable worries, those all burned my happiness and then I find myself alone with neverending chaos. #random

An Unhealthy Diet Tips Ala Suci

I'm kinda dissapointed of myself, I always do, heheh, but this is dirferent, how stupid to repeat the same mistakes? And I did, I've been struggled a loooong time to get things I wanted, when I got it, I ruined again.

Oke, daripada pusing sama paragraf pembuka, mending saya cerita sedikit, dan cerita ini mungkin udah pernah saya bahas di posting-postingan sebelumnya, dulu saya 'sempet' gendut (yah, walopun sekarang juga dipanggil ndut nduts tapi nyaman aja kalo bilang sempet ahahaha), ya gitu deh, pernah gendut fan berjuang jadi orang kurus.

Dan semua itu gak gampang, yang saya bener-bener ingat saya diet ketat sekitar awal 2012, I never done that tight diets before, and it was the tighest as I remember, and I made it! Saya menurunkan 7 kilo kurang dari dua minggu, tapi ada alasannya, seelah diet beberapa hari saya sakit sampe turun 7 kilo ahahaha, tapi sakit itu karena diet jadi saya mau bahas disini.

Saya gak benar-benar ingat berat saya sebelum melakukan diet itu, myngkin sekitar 54-55, untuk ukuran orang pendek kayak saya, itu udah gede banget, banget dan bangeet. Kalo dipikir-pikir lengkap banget ya saya, udah pendek gendut pula.

Lalu, suatu hari saya terpikir untuk diet, tanpa nyari tips-tips diet atau apapun, suatu sore saya ke minimarket dan saya liat teh slimming tea, saya pengen menertawakan diri sendiri setelah saya beli, entah kenapa saya rasa menyedihkan aja, but it helped a lot.

Setelah saya beli slimming tea sore itu, saya sudah beeniat besok saya akan seduh satu, dan hanya sekali setiap hari, dan saya targetin makan sekali sehari pada jam tiga sore, dan nggak nyentuh cemilan apapun, dan pada hari pertama saya hanya makan sekali sehari dengan porsi makan lima sendok aja, pake sayur ikan, tanpa tambahan tempe atau yang sejenis, saya hindari makanan yang terlalu pedes atau asam, biasa-biasa aja.

Di hari kedua, saya dapat bertahan dengan makan dua sendok sekali sehari (dua sendok ya, bukan dua centong :p) dan hari ketiga sempet tiga sendok tapi hari keempat saya makan 2 sendok lagi, setelah saya makan saya minum deh itu slimming tea, dan lainnya hanya air putih :)

Ohh iya, selain itu, saya juga tidur gak lewat dari jam 11 malam, dan saya hindari males-malesan semacam golek-golek (apalagi sambil nonton tv), ketat bangt deh pokoknya, lalu, voilaa! Gak sampe seminggu, saya....sakit!

Sakitnya nggak lama, cuman dua hari, dan sakitnya bikin menderita banget, saya muntah mencret, dan namanya juga sakit, saya susah makan dan karena perutnya juga sakit banget, saya milih makan roti, enteng dan keterima di perut, despie of keinginan diet yang masih menggebu-gebu juga sih :D

Lalu setelah itu udah rame yang bilang saya kurusan walopun belum dicek, tapi mungkin aja iya sih kurusan hahah, rasanya gimana? Jangan tanyaaa! Saya udah gendut lama, tepatnya pas mau naik kelas 3 SMP dan diet itu baru awal 2012, berarti baru aja lulus SMA, dan seru aja dengar kalo kemana-mana ditanyain "loh kok kurusan?" dan saya gak brenti brenti senyum deh, dan cuman bisa bilang, "sakit kak/bang/bu/nek/pak/dek dll" hahaha dan pas saya ngecek berat saya 47 sodara-sodara, dan terus turun sampe saya pindah ke lhokseumawe buat kuliah di unimal, bahkan pernah sampe 44 kiloo!

Kapan mengulang kesalahan yang sama?
Nah, ini loh, saya jadi males ngetiknya ini, hmm :" tapi oke deh, ini saya buat sebagai self-reminder aja, jadi, tahun 2013 lalu pas mudik puasa + lebaran, badan saya kurang ngontrol makanan yang dimasakin mamak, belum lagi cemilan keponakan-keponakan saya, jadi, serius, berat saya mulai merangkak melewati 50-an lagi waktu itu, apalagi lebarannya, jangan tanya.

Tapi itu gak ngaruh-ngaruh amat karena pas saya balik ke lhokseumawe dan sibuk kuliah lagi, berat badan saya turun lagi, jauh malah, dan pas liburan semester kemaren yang drastisnya naik lagi, dan sekarang masalah saya double, selain saya nggak bisa makan berlebih dikit karena bisa langsung gemuk, pencernaan saya pun bermasalah, sampe saya ngerasa, makan dua kali sehari itu udah kebanyakan untuk saya.

Hari ini waktu saya nulis ini, saya mulai mulai makan sehari sekali lagi walopun gak lima sendok dan masih ngemil sedikit tadi :) dan saya janji saya akan belajar ubtuk gak ngulang kesalahan lagi, apalagi ini pas banget mau mudik puasa lagi. Sekian tips diet ala suci, jangan ditiru kalo nggak sanggup erlebih buat yang punya penyakit tertentu

Mindset

Logika yang terpenting untuk menjadi lebih baik adalah mengubah mindset yang lebih baik setiap harinya.

Tapi apa arti satu mindset kalo hidup dalam lingkungan yang mindsetnya udah terbentuk turun-temurun gak berubah ya gitu-gitu aja?

Apa arti 1% dibanding 99%?

Ah, sudahlah. Yang penting kalo sendirinya bisa baik, ya dilanjutin..