Throwing back to the day we smiled nervously because we got to play dress-up and be the centre of attention, and because it wasn't 'us' at all, but it strange to say because behind the scene we were worked so hard and put our biggest struggle to get the day covered and then we prayed that everything went smooth and fast like a blink of eye so we don't have to suffer more, kinda weird.

The feeling of that day, I wanted to put many Celine Dion love songs, I wanted to go around the beach if I could after the day ended, I wanted to put a long YAIIY in my personal diary (which I didn't write for so long), I didn't know whether it is because I AM SO TIRED, or just excited to enter my new life, which once looked so weird and scary, but it was just theory, because being with you, is probably I am reaching my right path, because everything feels so right, and so genuine, the right feeling of not again regretting my past decision, and you are my happy place, that I can always come whenever I want, but I choose not to leave.

It's crazy how our path crossed, till we choose to wear that fancy dress pretending like we have no idea what happened, because not a little moments in there defined us, and we are relieved everything went well and here are we, ready to share our rest of our lives.

<3 <3 <3

and so the journey begins

Being accompanied to ride home at 10, while my place is so far from yours, while you got cough and cold and some other illness and brought no sweater, I got super hectic schedule and spent so little time with you, but its ok because you would struggle to make that little time works by having me complaining about everything and there you are always getting my things covered, sing a long westlife songs, fooling around, and having my best laugh for today, then I knew that nothing else in this world matters.


I love you, A. :)

I Do.

finally engaged to the most fun, loving, and caring person, it's magical when everything you aimed comes true, actually, this feels even more than what I aimed, as a nobody, it would be so fussy to hope everything you want in life is granted by God, but God is good, He always do, He granted things that even I forgot to put in prayers, and in a blink, He blows up my entire world.

It's funny because I was so pathetic this early year, my job a lil bit prevented me to look up to other things, I didn't even know when would I start dating again, this feels like so fast even though in fact, it doesn't (I repeated "so fast" like too much, enough to make him upset :D), I didn't even sure what I actually did when he proposed, but I've never been so sure being with a person.

Alhamdulillah,

I hope that everything goes well, can't believe what I've done like I flew somewhere faraway, everything seems so different now, and it's exciting and feel so right. In the end, I hope that we can make a good spouse, an excellent partner, that we will always be there for each other, that no matter how hard our day, we will always getting back on each other arms. 

********

....I wanna put a thick and long YAIIIIIIIYYYYYYY because finally, finally, finallyyyyyyy :')))))

You taught me how to be beyond thankful, beyond blessed, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you like the very bit of it like in my every heartbeat. God knows I only want you and I cant wait for our day too xx)

Kindness wins, always, and you are the kindest I know. Thank you for being so sure with me.

You.

--"Kadang ya, rasanya 'ini' terlalu cepat"

"Kenapa 'ini' harus terlalu lama?"

********

Pengen dimusiumin banget gaksi🙃

You

"Sometimes I wish I met you earlier."

--Me, exhale, "I think I wouldnt feel the same way if I met you 7 years ago"

"Cause you're with a person?"

--"Because I havent yet at this point of life, that makes me think and role like this, having this mindset."

"Thats exactly why I wanted it to".

*****

Screw pick-up lines, I need more energy boost like this😋

Just A Little Bit Too Much

Semalem begadang sampe jam empat pagi, trus bangun beberapa jam kemudian kayak merasa dehidrasi, karena air di galon udah mau abis jadi cuman bisa neguk satu gelas doang dan akhirnya belabuh disini. *gak enak banget bahasanya berlabuh:D*

Jadi, ini ceritanya masih liburan  tidur-makan-wifian di alue bilie, Nagan Raya, sekitar dua jam diatas Aceh Barat, karena bosen, bisa kali ya kalo ngeshare sesuatu yang ditulis semalah, this is kinda super personal, yhaaaaaa emang selalu personal sih kayak biasanya juga, bukan maksud mau ngumbar-ngumbar, but you should know earlier this is the blog where I write to record my life *halaaahhhh apaan sih* here we go.

*****

Fin.

Love is a minefield. You take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess that's human nature. 
-- Kate Welles (Famke Janssen)

Now I have to remain myself is no more failure to make and more focus to live, Allah has been very very very very kind with life lessons and so much more opportunities ahead waiting for me to take, I have learnt that everything has shaped that way since every beginning no more than make us wiser in the end, Allah has showed that every doubts I have in my past relationship has this kind of result.

I didn’t hate myself for giving such every spirit to love, I loved very very deep, no, when something isn’t fall on it’s place doesn’t mean that my life will end, I know, I have so many times to figuring out more things today, especially to prove what I can do. I have unrealistic dream and I dare myself to make it happen today, I tried something very new to me which first I doubt myself but it went great so far, I’m so close with my bachelor degree, I have plenty of short term expectations, the most important thing is I have learnt that everything we plan it will be wiser to settled it first in our parents point of view—My mom felt okay with everything I take lately and she even said I have such a gift as seeing something in a good way—surprisingly, everything like has it’s own transformation, I’m no longer a person who avoid listening to the songs I loved in this past 5-6 years, okay, that’s quite shallow, me, for instance, hating the streets once, how I love being escape outside Banda Aceh just because I had so many-many-many-many-many memories there (yes, still about that last current problem), now I even see it as unforgivable thing for me being spoiled like that. I quite emotionally saying I have been through the worst thing (I can’t just write down here) and now my head has it’s own thing to overcome rather than wasting time having meaningless thinking that I should early know just to waste my time.

These 7 months parachute and he is we were always bother me, feeling betrayed or else—now they are playing in shuffle <3

I *in a strange way* is 22 year old who re-arrange stuffs I aim a lot since I was a kid, yes, it’s a lil bit lie because I’m not that type of person who always knows what I want (this is actually is the root of every trouble of my condition today), but, seriously, I’m shaping things today, wake up with schedule, starting day forcing myself not to be lazy and push myself harder to work even when I was so tired, I have told you, I should try twice everything today because of long gone mistakes I made and I have no regret afterall.

In *also* strange way, I can hear the conspiration of the world that made me I am today is when Allah tries to speak louder to me, I don’t need to put Mario Teguh quote in here right? I’m way more messier in putting words together but I loved to see my writings done :D Yes, Allah speaks to me, dragging me away and somehow moving on is one and only choice He gives to me. I was weaker few months ago, but I wasn’t the type of a person who get mad or mess somebody’s decision—who crazily entering somebody’s life and make them feeling guiltier, no, I’m this sentimental, I believe in destiny—I believe what I need to see to build a stronger me, it’s always weird but proud to try, hahaha:’))

Anyone can only see this writing is me trying to cheer myself up, well, I am, but I don’t have that much energy to put attention on things everyone says about me, even my friends keep remind me in a harsh way about old habbit which is actually gone but I’m still ‘being easy on it’, well, I’m grateful to have such super good friends in my life, Dewi, for instance, and CBC, whom always there, living life together, making dream happens together, that’s sometimes thing I take for granted and the rest I know this is the only one best treasure I still have till today.

For somebody out there *if you still read my writings, you will always know it’s you, yes, you know what, it’s still you, it’s always been you*, I really really really do happy that you are living your dream today, I’m sorry I’m that selfish, but I can picture my work is done then, we were a pair in everything though, yes, in the past, I can see you are also living happier life with the new person today, no, I’m lying or being super innocent saying I’m not jealous, but in the best way (I don’t care if this saying is only some crap to make me sleep well tonight), you should know, you have made me the happiest, you have also made me I am today, you have done super great works as the best partner I have so far, I don’t get mad to you, if I could just write the last *I promise you this is the last* message to you it would always be:

Go, go follow your dream, satisfy yourself, make your parents happy, go make you the man your dad will always tell his friends about, be the best son, the best brother, don’t forget your friends behind, never skip your prayer, have a faith if it’s hard today doesn’t mean it’ll be hard forever, you’re brilliant, you’re amazing, you’re smart, and you have everything, just be the best version of yourself then, people loves you.

Like in two seconds I know, you would never have time to even see this blog anymore, it’s okay, you’re just the reason behind but I don’t always write to you, this is to me, as you can see. :)

I don't know I was lost

I don't know the hope is gone

I don't know the waking up at 4 cause I was gonna meet you in the morning would not happen anymore

I don't know the frozen skin would not covered by the same jacket any longer

I don't know the glimpse of heaven I caught in the eyes I dream everynight would not be in the same scene

I don't know the forever saving picture would remain moved onto trash bin

I don't know the hardest choose

I don't get the mourned heart

I don't get frozen feeling during the sunny days

I don't get the vibrating just because our friends came over for feeling sorry

I don't know the days those not to count

I don't know the year changing without thousand wishes on our chatroom

I don't get the empty birthdays

I don't get the lonesome feelings among the crowd

I don't know the silence over the noise

I don't get the stars whose not looking the same

I don't know the skies could play thousand memories slide
I don't get the empty street
I don't get the deserving second chance feelings

I don't get the changed of you

either, I don't get mine too.

I don't know loving you could be this hard,

I begged to not seeing the eyes from the first time

I begged to not knowing the perfect man has invited

I begged to not drowning

This post is dedicated for the status maker I steal to this post title, one person in my life I can fluently speak english with, (so sorry if you found out my english is literally not that great) lecturer and dear friend, Mr. MY.

The Last Letter

If she could possibly turn the time back, She has ever been in the lowest point in relationship where all she wanted to do is to kick you out from her life, She has ever ever been the one who regret things, but still woke up and realized how she wanted to be with you, she has ever closed her ears to what people say when she was doing things for you, she went through hard patch just when she felt it would be good to have a better life with you and helping you paying the bills, she ever really wanted to give up but she woke up realizing how far she has fought her brain out just to let her heart feels better when she was beside you.

She has no idea of you trying to get some spot to make her dreams fall out by the time she believed it was when she fell in love the most with you, she didn't realize you were the one who feel not enough with this after she (believe she was) sacrificed all things just to be with you, she just didn't realize it when you were too busy trying to kick her out just to feel enough about yourself, never.

She appreciated all your efforts and texted you to make sure you didn't skip your breakfast and warned you to pray and hold Allah closer, she never missed to know about your day even when she tired about her own life, you weren't always treat her good but you were still the one she talked a lot with her friends, she talked all good things about you.

.....and by the time she dreamed of you to come back,

but never actually has space for you when you really did, she still care a lot about you, but her feelings is not what the matter the most right now, she wants the one who stayed no matter hard the day is, she wants the one who appreciate her and love her the way she is, she wants the one who treat her better and tell her everything he wants and never hide anything just to make her simply hurting, and anything else.

The rest is, she is trying to believe there will be the real person who can be matched with all her weirdness, insecure-thing, and all of the imperfections.

she used to be the one who want to make you happy,

but now she just trying to feel good about herself and feeling even better,

without you.

Hey, I miss you, it's been just a week you left but I can't no longer stand with no text or phone call at all.

I know it's ridiculous, never been as silly as this, today I cracked with some diseases and I need you there. Really.

the impossible

"...it's a beautiful place once I saw in my friend's IG, dont you think we should go?" me, in a huge of excitement, typed you.

"Well, we will if you want to" you replied.

"Okay."

"Just go home, I miss you. When you're here we'll explore more places"

Once in a while, or to be honest, often, I imagined how if I still stay in one city, do we go to many places we planned yet have no time to go, or will we do some interesting stuff which may looks like a kind of boring stuffs to others? Will we become closer than now? Or, do you have some things you never tell me? I always wonder how it'd be, and so I knew that is impossible so I tried to just imagine how our future may look like, yes, I'm imagining now, it's beautiful like heaven, with some scars and hard stuffs, but it's still heaven because of we are together :)

It's almost holiday, and you asked me to list plenty of things to do together, bad news was 4 exams for the following week will be canceled for a week, so, I had two weeks to go before I can completely being home, and so, we just like, crazy. But no, me crazt, you said I need to enjoy every single time but I'm not sure how long I'll stay.

Yes, the distance, not a big deal for us almost 2 years but sometimes it's kiling I cant stand of, so, I need you to shower me with kind of 'be thankful' advice. Ouh...

Ouuh, how I miss you more today, the intensity is bigger than ever.

Saturday Night

Last night was another happy saturday night I spent with you, literally, not together, it's almost impossible for us to spent nights together, except of some nights you went to the house, we didn't go out at night even until 4 years we become so close as friend, we just had a long chitchat in phone and I loved the way you say you missed me a lot like when you got to get out the house I was the person you want to meet the most, and I had a little smile, inside, I was too fragile than ever,  I never been so much fragile than needing a person a lot but I can do nothing.

In friday night, it became weird, like I wanted to cry but it tiring me to cry over the same thing, the distance, and that night you convinced me more to be patient, you promise me as always we'd have great times when we can see each other anymore, I heard and I know we didn't yet having the power to change things, so I slept earlier and wish for a better day.

And last night, was another happy night, I'm happy in the weirdest way, but happy to the max like I cannot see how to replace anyone anymore, it couldn't be but its happen, when I caught the feeling, I feel new, like, I don't wanna be a selfish bastard anymore, the feeling such wanted to be your everything happened again. I always wish one day I can cook your favorite foods everyday and be there everytime you need me the most, I want to be a person in your side when you sick, I want to complete your life, who's hiding your flaws, I wanna be as high as your expectation, so, the pain wouldn't be so painful anymore, soon after.

Yeah, like my dream to have a movie night and awake until the morning comes, road to nowhere in the middle of the night, running fast to the place we don't know, sing a long and scream out over the highest mountain, travel to the crowded and silent places, or having a long laugh at the beach, any another weird things I wanna do, just with you, so welcome june, thank you for being my irreplacable place over 2,9 years of relationship, wish we could fill out all the dreams soon, and happily, becomibg together, as tight as it could be.

Hey you

One day, when everything seems right and we have nothing to worry anymore, one day, when we have more time for us, the day we'd promise to grow old together.

I just always hope a lot for that day, imagine how it'll be.

But you should know this, tomorrow or today, I love you as much as I cant ever say to you, as much as I cannot express to you I was always trapped by insecurities and I know you already understand this.

Because there's no day I spent without thinking hard about what it would be, how things work, and you came to show me that it will be allright, when I write this, I'm pretty sure that you are the one I depend on everything, even the simplest things, then I love you again.

Ternyata Ada

Disana, ada padang rumput luas berwarna hijau kekuningan, dibawah langit biru terang, diatas pegunungan, di bibir pantai.
Disana, ada kicauan burung nan riang,
Ada harapan,
Ada kamu, diujung seluet yang akan berubah jingga, tersenyum melihatku kegirangan..
Aku berlari, ingin bebas, ingin pergi, ingin pulang.
Aku yang lama sekali mengerti.

Ada banyak hal yang kusukai sehingga tak perlu khawatir lagi.
Ada kamu. Memerhatikan.

Kita, sebelum sayup syahdu subuh membangunkan, menyeret mata erbuka lebih lebar.

Lalu aku tersadar, aku baru saja pulang dari tempat ternyaman.

Adalah hatimu, yang luas, tempatku berlari bebas.

First post using my lenovo android with blogger app. Thanks God. :)

Ketika Mengingat Seseorang

Percaya nggak kalo satu kejadian yang terjadi hari ini, ada kaitannya dengan kejadian yang akan terjadi nanti, saya percaya.

Hari senin kemarin, seperti biasa kalo pergi ke kampus, saya ke kos sahabat saya Dian karena saya nebeng motornya, jadi, kebiasaan kalo saya udah disana Dian pasti belom kelar dandan, ya biasalah cewek, jadi saya sering masuk dulu dan duduk-duduk, kadang-kadang sekedar ngulang bahan yang saya pelajari semalaman, atau kadang-kadang ngobrol bareng temen sekamarnya Dian, namanya Yanti.

Kebetulan hari itu, Yanti ini juga lagi buru-buru mau ke kampus dan udah ditungguin sama temennya di depan, jadi secara agak rahasia (atau saya nangkapnya begitu), ia mengkodekan saya dari jauh, katanya nanti ada yang mau di sms, saya cuma mengangguk kecil, trus dengan rasa penasaran, saya ke kampus bareng Dian sambil tetep nungguin sms dari Yanti.

Karena kelelahan kali ya, jadi saya lupa tentang Yanti, pas malemnya, siap sholat Isya sekitar jam 10-an, baru teringat kalo Yanti belum nge-sms sampe sekarang, so, dengan penasaran yang kembali meluap, saya nge-sms Yanti duluan nanyain maksud kodenya tadi pagi :D trus baru aja ngirim, masuk deh sms Yanti yang minta maaf kalo belum nge-sms sampe malam itu, selang beberapa waktu, dia nge-sms lagi,

Y: Ya ampun, barusan lagi ngetik mau sms suci juga, eh pas udah ngirim rupanya sms suci masuk juga, oh no, sehati kali. ^_^

S: Ah ciyus? Masa bisa gitu?

Y: Iyaaa, Pertama terfikir mau sms ah udah larut, trus terfikir lagi sms ajalah, ckck, jelek kali ah :p I think this sentence right "Ketika kita mengingat seseorang,  orang itu juga sedang mengingat kita" Sure about it, and now it happens to us.

Ahahaha, cheesy :D dan juga bukan pertama kali dengar kalimat itu, jadi saya cuman senyum aja sih bacanya dan tetep ngelanjutin sms-an sama Yanti, sampe tadi pas di kelas dan lagi belajar akuntansi manajemen, di selingan-selingan lagi nggak fokus sama penjelasan dosen, kepala ini secara random mutarin slide-slide memori saya sama orang yang jauh disana, apapun yang sering kita sama-sama lakuin, sampe hari terakhir dia nganterin saya ke terminal bareng kakak dan keponakan, dan ini memang kebetulan banget, saya pake baju yang sama dengan yang saya pakai waktu hari terakhir saya jumpa sama dia, dan secara randomnya tiba-tiba jadi kangen banget, sampe saya nulis post ini, masih dalam keadaan yang meluap-luap.

Saya tetep ngelanjutin nyimak penjelasan dosen dengan konsentrasi-setengah konsen-nggak konsen-mulai konsen lagi dan gitu-gitu aja siklusnya, sampe nggak lama masuk sms, and guess what, it from exactly the same person in my mind, saya sampe terbelalak nggak percaya, lagi kangen-kangennya sama obrolan, dan segala macem, eh masuk smsnya, trus masuk telfon juga :D 

sound cheesier then, but really, can you really imagine a long distance relationship with no routine communications? I mean, sometimes we text or phone a lot in the weekends but he couldn't leave his dorm last week.

Fyi, dia sms pake nomor temennya yang nggak ngikutin peraturan, peraturannya sih nggak boleh bawa hp atau gadget apapun ke asrama.

Karena emang saya nggak bisa fokus belajar sambil ngerjain hal lain, jadi saya balas aja bilang kalo lagi belajar, nambahin kalo entar keluar dikabarin, trus masuk smsnya yang katanya nggak bisa janji nanti sms lagi (yap, mungkin ada kelas, etc) dengan last sentence "I miss you.", dan beberapa saat kemudian, saya kesenengan karena kelas emang mau bubar, dan pas bubar, langsung saya nge sms bilang kalo udah keluar.

....dan, belum dapat balasan sampe sekarang.

and so here I am, mau mengeluh? Nggak juga, mau bilang masih kuat? I become stronger than ever now, sometimes I think, however it happened, I don't care as long as we're together, call me stupid, but love is nonsense without madness, right? :) (kata-kata terakhir saya kutip dari tulisan ini

Ajaibnya, hari ini pandangan saya beda dengan kata-kata Yanti malam itu, saya rasa, mungkin bener, yang pertama kali bilang juga pasti punya alasan, dan iya bener, saya ngerasain hari ini, ketika kita bener-bener mikirin seseorang, orang itu juga lagi mikirin kita, and honestly I have no idea how much times I spent all thinking of you here, but to think ahead we gonna take time again together, I shouldn't wory too much, then :)

Live Like This

Bukan pertama kali ketika kita harus melewati hari berat dan tidak ada canda untuk menepisnya, tidak ada kesempatan bertanya apakah baik-baik saja, kita terlatih untuk terbiasa menahan segalanya hingga suatu hari bisa kita tumpahkan lagi berdua, biasanya, hari itu akan kita lewati dengan tawa hingga kita lupa apa yang seharusnya dibagi, atau kemungkinan besar kita akan beralih ke seribu satu macam topik lain, aku merasa tenang saja, karena pada hari-hari itu, aku tidak merasakan berat ini, hidupku ditikam beban lalu aku berusaha bangkit dan mencernanya sebagai ujian, paling tidak aku pernah bahagia. Mengingat hari-hari itu akan membuatku merasa lebih baik karena aku merasa dihargai, aku dicintai, aku didengar, dan aku mendapatkan tempat, dengan kepercayaan bahwa hari-hari itu akan ada lagi maka aku berada tepat disini. Hidup diserbu lelah, perjuangan tanpa henti, untuk apa memelihara penyesalan? Lebih baik bangkit dan melihat dengan terang, bahwa harapan itu jelas, tepat berada di depan, maka kita lanjutkan lagi, apa yang telah kita mulai, kita satukan lagi, mimpi-mimpi kecil hingga formasinya teratur dan bercahaya bagai bintang. Karena pada hari yang akan datang lagi, kita akan berdiri berhadapan, tersenyum satu sama lain, seperti biasa, berjanji, dan tidak ada yang mampu mengingkari janji kita, karena aku yakin kita ada, karena kita memang untuk satu sama lain, jadi jangan berhenti hari ini, karena mimpi-mimpi akan menerangi gelap kita, suatu hari.

P.S: Tulisan ini udah lama saya post di note facebook, entah kenapa pas hari ini baca lagi, pengen post di blog, iya, entah kenapa :'))

"I wanna love you like the hurricane,

I wanna love you like the mountain rain,

So wild, so pure, so strong

..and crazy for you..."

As Sweet As It Could Be

Sometimes I'm so alone I can't stand of, then I wake up and realize there is still a man who holds my purse whenever I need to rest from my hectic minds.

      because after all this time,

      I'm into you, still into you.