Throwing back to the day we smiled nervously because we got to play dress-up and be the centre of attention, and because it wasn't 'us' at all, but it strange to say because behind the scene we were worked so hard and put our biggest struggle to get the day covered and then we prayed that everything went smooth and fast like a blink of eye so we don't have to suffer more, kinda weird.
The feeling of that day, I wanted to put many Celine Dion love songs, I wanted to go around the beach if I could after the day ended, I wanted to put a long YAIIY in my personal diary (which I didn't write for so long), I didn't know whether it is because I AM SO TIRED, or just excited to enter my new life, which once looked so weird and scary, but it was just theory, because being with you, is probably I am reaching my right path, because everything feels so right, and so genuine, the right feeling of not again regretting my past decision, and you are my happy place, that I can always come whenever I want, but I choose not to leave.
It's crazy how our path crossed, till we choose to wear that fancy dress pretending like we have no idea what happened, because not a little moments in there defined us, and we are relieved everything went well and here are we, ready to share our rest of our lives.
I
remember that night we were talking about life, tenaagehood, high school life,
things we’ve been missing and how far we’ve became,
“Sometimes,
I wish I met you earlier.” You said, this
felt warmth inside but all I can do is sigh (I’m a pro in hiding what I
actually feel and express it somehow different wholefully).
“Despite
on everything happened, today is relevant, this is the truth” Me replied, not sure about what I say.
“I
don’t know, but sometimes. It’s only what if’s thoughts I couldn’t refuse.”
I
was mesmerizing by thoughts about you, I’ve never been felt special in any way,
being appreciated, those issues somehow disturbing.
“I
don’t think I would feel the same if I ever seen you 7 years ago” randomly, I
was wondering what you are thinking, and exactly, you pointed on that.
“Because
you’re with a person? High school lover and all stuff?” I know you laughed.
“Nope,
because I wasn’t yet at this point of life, what I experienced is different, I
might not be the same person you know and you’re kinda pushing me away if you
know me.”
Yea, that’s true.
“Lie.”
You said, in the middle of the night and lil bit rainy outside, on long phone
call and I was on my comfy and warmth bed.
“Hahaha…”
“That’s
exactly why I wanted it to.” You said, and then we have long pause,
Then
you add,
“I
know I’d still like you, I don’t know, I’m just sure about it.”
Life is too short and meaningless to spend with somebody you're not happy to be with, because really, happiness matters, and also comfortable, is crucial, because, what else do we need than going home in the end of the day, exhausted about life and have someone by our side to talk about...everything, to find our greatest listener, the one who stays.
And then it comes the time for me, to understand line I stated above, when I found him, he is the one who gets me, who listens to me, who cracks better jokes than anyone that gets me laugh till I cry, that you will always say nice stuffs, the one who's slightly putting my needs over his, the one who spend a bit of their busy time just to make sure I am doing okay, the one who, listens to me at 2 am complaining about my own (really like just mine) problem, though he was just got home and need to take a heavy long nap because he has been working a lot for three days and had just little sleep, that I am nothing but jerk sometimes but he accepted it even making his own joke about it, that he never, never even in just once time, trying to change me, he enjoys me with my childishness, me being overthinking, me having opinion about EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING, and do I forgot to mention that he also remember every single little things I said and did? He does, and I've never been feeling super appreciated, and I've never been feeling so sure about this, that I've fallen way too easy this time, toooooooo easy like, a month ago we are still strangers but look, three months after we are already something that is cute, that is perfect.
You really are my accepted prayers, the present God has been prepared just for me, and I kinda wanna be a person that is good for you too, a person whos there to fulfill your needs, a person who you feel understands you (like how I feel about yourself), I wanna be somebody you are relying on, that is I got long list about "I wanna be the one who is perfect for you" stuffs but I am just an insecure, pretty much too shy, and too lame, that is how I'm so grateful that you are staying eventhough you are already know my weaknesses, my turn off-point, that you never care about things like that.
I dont know how to express my feeling right now because I'm not a pro, but I hope you know how I'm feeling so grateful to have you by my side, everything feels like, you're worth the wait, and my past, good or bad, seems worth it, that all of my insecurities about this lovelife stuff, all my trust that has been betrayed, is paid off. As you said before, I also wish to meet you earlier so I wouldnt even need to feel those all stuffs, that I would fall in love with you sooner, and I guess my life would have been better. But no, it took a greatest pain to understand happiness, isnt it?
Birthday post is here, well, happy birthday, old kid! How I hate the idea of growing old, finally, 23 is no longer secure for something (everything) fun, always, the consideration of adding a number of my age is about to give up giving myself a false hope, not to regret things, not to be selfish, and be realist enough to accept things it's way, in a good way.
This year I got too many lesson learnt, I failed in few things in life, but I got my bachelor degree, I also became someone I don't like, but somehow it takes too many things to be happened to make me loose sometimes, and free, and just, empty, but not to pity me, if I even take a closer look around, people has always been with me, I know.
This is just a few reminder if I may read this post again later:
There's nothing such a destiny or things that is fated, several things need to be planned and done, although there are some others we can't fix up because it's always been that way.
No one could fix your insecurities unless you do, all of fairytale series suck, and how you hate those korean drama sometimes.
You gain what you do, that's why "you gain what you deserve" invited.
Sometimes, the problem is not with people, tell your head it was really annoying.
Don't blame yourself, don't always do that.
Twilight sucks, yes. So, you in the pass were embarrassing.
Don't listen to Taylor Swift old country tracks too much.
You don't need to depend on cooking lesson to have an extra hour staying in the kitchen.
Cool guy aren't exist, pretended clown are,
Recycle arts sometimes even better, plagiarism always worst.
You don't need somebody to make you feel you're there, you just need to be comfort in being who you are.
GOOD BOOK is priority!
If you feel you're a social awkward enough, self, you're not alone.
Don't feel you're old enough! Stop typing old enough!!!!
Something better left unspoken, explanation indeed needed, but not all the time.
Some silence will fix the noise you always hate.
Don't bother, don't force things.
Be happy!
So, another day begin now, it also suprised me how today isn't really a fine day, or I even scared, but no, happy birthday, me.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
“Everything
hurts and no one is telling me how to heal
I
mediate with rose squartz resting in my palms
I
eat more bananas
I
make a spell with bat’s wings and dandelion water
Something
has to work,
But
I am waiting, at the end of my rope,
Braiding
my hair into broken,
Twisted
cups of thread,
In
a desperate way of begging the universe to put me somewhere safe”
-Schuyler Peck
“I need you to be monster
Which
is to say, I am trying not to love you
Which
is to say, I am still dreaming of kissing your claws”
-Fortessa Latifi
“I
said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang’.
The
sun said, ‘it hurts to become’”
-Andrea Gibson
“I
wonder if I will remember this as the winter where everyone died but wasn’t overcome with sadness”
-Chrissy Stockton
“It
is a Tuesday when I love someone who doesn’t love me,
No,
it’s not the first time
But
it’s a sad time, oh, it’s always a sad time
But
my heart doesn’t listen, doesn’t understand,
Soars
like a child in a rocket ship,
Doesnt’
believe in gravity, doesn’t believe in learning a lesson,
Wants
to give until there is nothing left but glitter”
-Yena Sharma Purmasir
“To
love me is to love a haunted house
-it’s
fun to visit once a year,
But
no one wants to live there”
-Brenna Twohy
“When
it rains I know you are looking at the same rain,
I
have to believe it means something different to you than it does to me”
-Jones Howell
“The
truth is,
Some
pain just isn’t worth it.
Sometimes,
the hurt gets old
Sometimes,
you get tired of being the one who has to heal”
-Caitlyn Siehl
“I
love you head over handles,
Like
my first bicycle accident
--before
the mouthful of gravel and blood,
I
swore we were flying”
-Sierra DeMulder
“It’s
been three years since I’ve spent the night with someone who liked me enough to
get breakfast in the morning.
Still,
I spread my heart thin like butter on
toast, hoping someone else will come along and snatch it off my plate”
-Trista Mateer
“I
care
Like
it is an alternative to breathing and every available ounce of oxygen has
suddenly gone missing”
Sometimes it's exhausted to feel useless, failed to fix things just because me being so lazy, me postponed things a lot, me love working in every last minute time, then so the work itself became not so good, I hate losing control of things yet I sometimes feeling super bored and lazy about all of this, I didn't really enjoy being in the process of anything, yes, to be honest, I'm losing my track of feeling comfortable doing, it's just childish, you know, I hate being one, I hate seeing myself standing only in one place where people in my age move and move forward pursuing their dreams, it's stressing me out cause I always feel less, there's something wrong about me, there is something big upon me I can't explore, I can't elaborate, something like that, that is exactly what makes me giving up on so many things lately.
I (still) don't know what happen.
To me, age matters, I'll be 23 soon, and how I avoid talking about age this year, 23 is something, adding one number again in my age, I'm afraid, I'm afraid not to do good things, I'm afraid not to finish my study in the right time (well, I'm in my way to exhibit my thesis proposal in these next two weeks), I'm afraid not to get the job after I finish my study, earlier I thought it was a good idea to start my own online store (and I started RULLSCIAPROJECT)--yes, then some problems happened, well, I promise to fix it after I finish my task in university, leave it behind, this is so 20's something average problem, being scared of life, being insecure, or it's just me?
I gained weight, like extremely hard, I become bored on things I used to love making so much, post-breakup syndrome? I guess not, I could be looking so weak in some of blogposts but believe me, like average friends quite told me sometimes that I looked very strong, I never made it a habit to be sad, well I used to, but not anymore, I'm super fine, I just become lazy, and I hate to be that.
I don't keep that extremely creepy wishes anymore, I just wish that next months after this I can live seeing my mom everyday, getting a job, creating something to sell, the point is, making money, I really wanna see myself busy doing things, a useful me, me becoming reliable, somebody that people or at least my mom can be depend on, just that simple.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Own less. Create more.
Buy less. Share more. Work less. Play more.
Less media gazing. More sky gazing. Less cellphone time. More reading time. Less noise. More silence.
Less impulsive shopping. More frugal consuming. Less wanting. More gratitude. Less needing. More contentment.
Explain less. Act more. Stress less. Laugh more. Think less. Feel more.
Less promises. More surprises. Less performances. More inquiries. Less concepts. More experiments.
Answer less. Question more. Comply less. Question more. Believe less. Question more.
Less known. More unknown. Less handed-down beliefs. More self-discoveries. Less fixation. More freedom.
Talk less. Listen more. Analyze less. Experience more. Judge less. Observe more.
Less concrete. More soil. Less tabloids. More trees. Less smoking sections. More fresh air.
Criticize less. Appreciate more. Object less. Understand more. Exclude less. Include more.
Less knowledgeable. More innocence. Less target. More acceptance. Less doing something. More doing nothing.
Attach less. Release more. Ignore less. Meditate more. Fear less. Breathe more.
Less addiction. More awareness. Less norms. More conscience. Less mindless. More mindfulness.
got this from the forever inspiring mbak dee lestari.
Been emotionally cursing myself for the lack of things done this past 6 months and always wonder if I may did it better and more, I laughed averagely five times after write that sentence down, yes, I've been there (I have a bit feeling I'm still there), you can see it in few last posts I made last year those represented me in those patches, and I kindly proud saying I'm done now.
The past 6 months, I quit my relationship with somebody who has been with me for the last five years, first time it feels like I didn't even remember the life I live where him not around, I've been in the day I'd like taking something to blame, the day I spent out wasting time just to sleep in the corner listening to sad songs, your 'let past go'-'how to deal with broken heart' keywords on google, postponed my thesis for 3 months, being angry with everyone just because your hearts in neverending denial of what just happened, that day I also hate myself to write these such things, the last is, finding out somebody is changing, believe me, this is the hardest.
I'm those one type of a person who hates losing people, I mourned my cousin (I considered as my lil sister) who's dead in the tsunami, I condemned myself so long time when my dad's gone, I hate the change, I don't know how to deal with losing, as I grow up, I feel it would go easier, but then I found myself still in difficulity of knowing there would always be somebody leaves.
He was the one I share my days, we shared dreams till the easy little stuff and we always know about each other, he was the one I texted first when I woke up and I can say he was the last one I ended talking in the day before I went to bed, we had to deal with long distance relationship over three years and it became the day where I have to let him go further for an internship (happy to know he got his dream job today), what I thought was, it would not be that creepy, but yes, life happened. I still can't see what's the point of our trouble that day, the last thing I know is dealing with changed people is hard--especially he was the one you trust so much and slighlty you adore a lot too, then I became desperate of losing again, where I thought first will just going to be fine because even when I was in relationship, I spent most time alone, away from my boyfriend, but it's not, I just also realised that my ex boyfriend has also become the most important man in my life, and me just being replaced.
I don't know how long it has been, but I've been shockingly, replaced.
I've been blaming so much, for the sake of the damnest day I know, I mostly blamed myself, it was so much easier to blame and ended up stressing out then accepting it the way my thousand friends asked me to do, and now, I can see it as a failure I've made, not the wrong choice, that was the best choice I've ever made being in that relationship, it was just failed, it didn't work out anymore.
Too many lessons I learned from failure, I had so many failures I regret but this one is kind of different failure, first, I've just experienced this thing for the first time, second, I was madly love mellow things--so, it was kinda excuse sometimes for feeling mellow just keep me safe inside (creepy enough but that's just me), and maybe the last is, lowest self esteem and it turns you down to the lowest level of insecurities, I felt down, unconfident, lack trust in everyone, and yes, I've experienced it once and I promise I will never, ever, ever, let myself be in that patch again in my life.
Trust me, it's just about losing, and the most horrible pain would heal in the right time, first time, I was glad that after 4 months, we became friends, but it didn't work out, maybe we aren't really mature enough to be friends, maybe it's just me, maybe there will be always so many things to do but I could just mourning my loss and be a dramaqueen, I don't know.
This is a confession, I was also a jerk, I was childish, I was--as usual, not good enough, I couldn't distract any decision moreover when it comes about you leaving me, I AM a dramagirl, but can we just leave it there?
******
I laugh a lot seeing me there, the thing is, I'm in the most awesome period of life today, life lesson will always be the most precious, I know how to thanked people whom stays, and being calm about having the past that still go everywhere around my head, it was just a childish part of me getting into process of mature, above all, life is moving on, so, I am also moving on, striving to get the better way to live, thing I learned to know is I have so many other sides in life, more experience to come and taking responsibility of being 22 year old adult. So yes, I'm proud saying it's no more him.
I don't know how to start this writing since I don't have any idea about my happy madly happy lately, it's the stupidest ever happen to me above 20, yes, I'm no longer teenager so I reduce kind of mellow things, this isn't mellow, this more like being grateful and I pretty believe there's nothing such gratefulness could build greater and happier life, okay, don't mistaken me with Mario Teguh :p I told you what I feel and I mean this.
So, time, or a new person, has prove that those combination are totally fine, it takes me tonight singing a long Boys Like Girls again, feeling happy again day by day, no more hope, no more so much care, I'm in my duty to finish my bachelor thesis and now I'm in Kuliah Kerja Nyata (KKN) for a month in one village around Lhokseumawe.
Sometimes I can hardly think about how time flies fast, how fast things changed, don't wanna mention the heartbreak, I'm in the process on being healed, or I can say I have healed at all, that is fine, it's long time I'm in the process of finding self and this kind of feeling is what I really want, focusing to only my self, being crazy, crancky, weird, at the same time, I did, I have done everything to make me happier, I have worked so hard to fix everything just in consciously think I love myself more than kind of love I could give to everybody. This is the things I need to remind myself all the time like forever things I should always do for myself.
.Making friends is an ultimate joy
I never been open up to guys like I have some guy friends to talk to, well, back when I was in relationship, I don't try to make it hard, no hard treat from my ex like I couldn't be friend with guys, it's just, I tried to watch people's feeling, I didn't regret that, what I can say I even proud of that, and today, I got some guy friends telling me their stories and I can feel my friend circle is getting a lil bit wider.
.Do care of what self really wants
It's just as simple as picking colours, I have paid a lot attentions of myself by trying to know what I really want, do I really want that cute black purse or I need that shoes? This is don't have side of me in relationship just a part of me growing up.
.Today is the H day
...and that's why I do everything today hoping I have longer time tomorrow to think about something else, procrastination is still there, but I'm no more just think about something I want to do, I do it.
.Laugh, Louder.
Being stupid with friends is not really my thing, today I feel like totally losing my jaim self and I freely talk things I want to, like, I say what I did't like, back in the day I thought why some people just don't care about somebody's feeling by telling hard thing in front of the facem but now I know it's just a part of being honest so I did it too, today.
.No too much worry of future
because present is worth to embrace, it tells who you are today and do something for you today.
"For me Shah Rukh Khan is like a God. He is kind and will always take care about the problems of his friends. He is a person who is very easy to discuss and talk with. He likes to help people. For me he is a very special human being." -Kajol (source)
Totally agreed with Kajol about this, about this badash bollywood or King Khan has a really special thing that rare as a normal human being and I just suprised how much I still love him, from the very first time I know how to be a fan, how to know about an idol, and artist, and yeah, you know what I mean.
Oke, akan saya ceritakan sedikit awal saya 'kenal' sama tokoh satu ini (Shahrukh Khan itu seperti tokoh, bukan hanya seleb--bagi saya).
KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI, dimana sejak peluncurannya menjadi film india tersukses di Asia Tenggara atau bahkan dunia saat itu, adalah film india pertama yang saya tonton--bahkan jika saya tidak salah mengingat, KKHH ini adalah film layar lebar pertama yang saya tonton, saat itu di tahun 1999 (kalo tidak salah) ketika sedang menyiapkan resepsi pernikahan sepupu di Lhokseumawe, ada beberapa orang saudara yang berkumpul di ruang tv dan menonton film ini yang diputar di DVD player, dan saya ikut-ikutan :D saat itu mungkin saya belum genap berusia enam tahun, jadi jalan ceritanya saja saya belum jelas mengerti, yang saya masih ingat adalah, orang-orang menangis menonton film ini. Setelah kembali ke rumah di Banda Aceh, saya ingat sekali semua orang sering mendiskusikan film ini, dan saya masih sering menontonnya dengan teman-teman sepermainan, meskipun yang kami sukai hanya scene-scene menari dan menyanyinya (Yang sekarang paling sering saya skip kalo nonton film india di laptop :D) Anyway, saya nulis ini juga mungkin karena pengaruh KKHH yang saya tonton lagi malam senin kemaren karena lagi sedih plus frustasi dan pengen banget yang drama-drama, my choice is still the same, KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI, maybe after hundreds of time.
Beberapa tahun kemudian, muncul film India baru yang sering diperbincangkan teman-teman saya (tentu saja mengenai tarian dan nyanyiannya, oleh anak-anak kecil saat itu), Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham, dimana Shahrukh kembali dipertemukan dengan Kajol, dan ada Rani Mukherji juga walaupun bukan pemeran utama, nggak tau kenapa, K3G tidak seperti KKHH.
Semua film India yang saya tonton setelah itu, tidak ada yang bisa mengalahkan 'ikatan' saya dengan KKHH, boleh saya sedikit lebay? Twilight dan sekuel-sekuelnya, 500 Days Of Summer, A Walk To Remember, Harry Potter, Titanic, seabrek film-film dari negara manapun yang sudah saya tonton tidak pernah menampilkan sesuatu yang serius yang saya dapatkan di film KKHH, okay, think I need serious help? Please do.
Sebegitu ngefansnya sama KKHH, aku dulu sempet stalking Sana Saeed di tahun 2011 di twitter yang aku kira adalah Sana Saeed di KKHH (little Anjali) yang sebenernya salah orang, abis penasaran aja gimana penampilan Sana setelah di KKHH, and then I wacthed "Student Of The Year" film produksi Karan Johar juga and see Sana Saeed as Tanya Israni (pangling banget sumpah, aku kira mungkin dia ga akan terima tantangan buat ambil peran semi-antagonis kayak gitu setelah image bagus dari KKHH, selain di film, Sana ini juga studi ekonomi di Inggris, news proof that he was a smart person), berbicara soal stalking, Sana Saeed yang aku stalk empat tahun lalu yang sempet ngebalas mention aku dengan "Nope, wrong Sana Saeed" adalah jurnalis dari Timur Tengah yang sampe sekarang aku gatau dia siapa hahaha :)) Mungkin saat ini udah seabrek film bollywood yang jauh lebih keren dibandingin sama Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, but, first love is forever a thing, right? :D
Saya memang bukan bollywood addict, sebegitu parahnya saya ngefans sama SRK, saya nggak nonton semua filmnya yang berjumlah 80 (atau bahkan lebih) itu, mungkin saya hanya suka dua film dari SRK, yaitu KKHH dan My Name is Khan (2010), ada sesuatu yang lain yang bikin saya pengen banget jumpa sama orang satu ini, really? Now it sounds disgusting enough?
Yang saya dapat dari berita dan wawancara, berpuluh-puluh video tentangnya yang saya lihat di youtube, saya akhirnya berani menyimpulkan hal ini:
He knows what he wants in life, he work hard, work smart, and get what he wants, and because I have an opposite thing with this, this one is the most thing I love when I could see it in people, and he has it.
He fulfil his dreams, his dedication in film/entertaiment industry leaves two thumbs up!
He has good sense of humour
He reads, a lot, his bestfriend Kajol and his wife Gauri said the most of time that SRK can't be separated with books, no wonder why he got that smart then?
He is a well educated person, he studied till he got mastered, and in economics, why I'd be proud so much to be part of economics student then HAHAHA
He loves children, he stays close with his kids and he once said he had a dream to make movies that he heads for children.
He can be friend for everyone, at least, coba liat pujian yang sering dilontarkan Kajol dan Karan Johar untuknya.
A warm personality, I'll show you then.
He is a very loyal husband, and the most caring and loving daddy to Aryan, Suhana, and Abram, lately I know why he sent Aryan far to England for a study is because he kept aryan from his famous shadow of his dad, biar anaknya bisa menemukan jati dirinya dengan baik.
He cares a lot of family, takes care to his elder sister, shahnaz lalarukh, yang menurut kabar mengalami depresi setelah ibunya meninggal, kini shahnaz tinggal bersama di rumah keluarga Khan yang dinamakan Mannat, bersama istri dan anak-anaknya.
Entah mengapa, menurutku, nggak ada artis dengan jiwa sosial sebesar dia, sumbangannya untuk listrik-listrik di desa, dan kebanyakan adalah sumbangan untuk anak-anak.
Walaupun menikah dengan seorang hindu dan bertekad menanamkan dua agama pada anak-anaknya (yang aku juga kurang setuju tapi ya itu hidup dia), dia sering mengatakan jika melakukan sesuatu itu karena agamanya, and dont mention how much he said "InshaaAllah" in every chances in interview, at least yeah, he has faith.
Dia nggak pernah terpacu untuk membuat film menjadi box office, ia hanya berusaha tampil maksimal untuk setiap film dan biarkan pasar dan kritikus yang menentukan.
Dan tentu saja, sebagai manusia dengan banyak kelebihan, ada saja kekurangan-kekurangan yang dimilikinya, perseteruan dengan sesama artis, rumor perselingkuhan, dan banyak lagi, but as long as I concern, dia adalah aktor paling adorable dan satu-satunya aktor yang saking ngefansnya, pernah aku mimpiin...
Yaah, dulu sih, waktu kecil. Hahahaha (Skip this because you know, yuck!)
Okay, if there's a thing I hate about SRK it must be his role in Jab Tak Hai Jaan, dont mention the reason, you know what I mean, right?
Ini adalah wawancaranya dengan Dewi Sandra dan Indra Safera tahun 2002 sejak kedatangan pertamanya ke Indonesia buat konser, he is smart and a real down to earth person, check this out...
Satu hal lagi yang bikin aku yakin banget dia orangnya begitu down to earth adalah, dia sering buka pertanyaan gitu di twitter dan dia bales satu-satu mention fansnya, akunya udah nyoba dua kali tapi belum beruntung hahaha. Fyi, twitternya: @iamsrk
Too much, no? Walopun nggak tau banyak soal bollywood, tapi berbicara soal keterikatan dengan film lawas Kuch Kuch Hota Hai yang bikin pengen tau banget sampe ngefans sama SRK, I wanna say, yes, I'm a huge fan of SRK.
dan ini ada bonus fotonya yang aku yakin bisa mewakili semua gambaranku soal SRK yang sayang keluarga:
Above: Aryan, SRK, Suhana
Below: Shahnaz Lalarukh, Gauri Khan
:))
P.S: I'm going mad, and it was so early morning now in Indonesia, it's saturday, august 8 2015, 02:45 a.m
She is so beautiful, I
like when she pulls her spoon and eat it from the bottom remains one or two
tiny piece on her spoon and she return it exactly the same way, I like the
way she smiles to people, I like it when she talks to the waitress who is her bestfriend
nicely, the way she laughs, she speaks to mom politely, eventhough I caught
some confusion right in there, her brown eyes, and the eyes, seriously, I can
imagine it and can’t stop listening to some corny love songs those tell how girl’s worth it.
She wears good clothes
too, she has beautiful and small hands, she has a not so neat teeth and I like
it, she is really down to earth person, and she impressed mom so much, she is
kinda family girl the way she been so close with her mom, and she knows how to
talk good and she only talk good things, the plus is all hers, you bet it, she
knows how to make money.
She is smart, she is
nice, she is cool, she is beautiful, she is genius, she is there in my mind all
the time lately, and this is the sign obviously, finally, I fall again to a
woman, the right woman, I don’t know you, but I’m ready for a seek of chance.
So, mom, for this, yes,
apparently.
A calm, quite, and kind-hearted, a cool but also a smart (a nerd who love to be in library), so educated that he takes his undergraduate and/or postgraduate abroad somewhere in a ranked university in Europe, a religious, a good looking guy with a deep-drowned eyes, update with current issues, play and listen to good music, read books, speak english fluenty and having interest to learn some more languanges, a faithful lover, experienced in a bad love story which makes him really careful to choose his future partner again, a family lover, having a 3 year-old daughter from his previous marriage, that he loves a lot and risk life for her, that choose to build a better career after the divorce and now he moved out as a 32 year old men who has anything by his side, has built a family house for his family, sit in advanced chair in the office, and now being acquinted to a woman that attracts him (after long experience of his mother finding women to be introduced with a big hope to be her future daughter in law), and finally he sits back in his chair one night and save the writing above in his laptop.
I really wonder how it ends, he's the coolest I've ever made as a novel role, I don't even want to finish the story, I hope he lives in real life, because he does live and also distract me for so many things these several years :)
Monday, March 23, 2015
Hey fellas, good to be back *nyapu-nyapu dulu karena berdebu banget ini blog* tonight I decide a random thing to write (since I don't have a that good mind to make good ones) and that will be like:
Be careful of what you wish for...
That mainstream quote took me here, hahaha, no this not kind of a serious thought, since once I decided to make this blog easy to read, so, hahaha, okay, sebenarnya ada apa dengan sya dan quote di atas? Simple, I had done so many wishes as I remember, a lot I regret so, kadang agak nyesel sama beberapa wishes yang udah terkabul dan itu yang random banget.
Salah satunya adalah, tinggal sendiri :)))
There is no place like home, that's absolutely right, flashback sedikit, mungkin bukan sekali dua kali aku pernah cerita kalo aku pernah insecure banget, semacam kurang pede yang cenderung menyedihkan di jaman SMP-SMA, aku anti sosial, cepet banget tersinggung, nggak pede berlebihan, cenderung cepet marah, dan banyak nyimpen dan mendam cerita sendiri, even to both parents or other family, dan cenderung suka gampang banget marah ke keluarga.
Jadi, dulu itu aku sering banget berkeinginan buat tinggal sendiri, in a place somewhere when I grow up, jadi mungkin karena 'kemakan' film-film barat gitu yang cewek-cewek independen, kerja kantoran, yang tinggal sendiri, yang setiap pagi order starbucks dan ke kantor jalan kaki itu, I dreamed to have a tiny place as a hard working woman in the future (put HAHAHA here).
I was there in that so random dream, and now I know how it suck to live alone.
Tonight I literally so alone, oh, homework is my latest bestfriend, which is suck-er.
and then start hating my decision to take chance to school here, but no, hey, time flies, now I'm in the 6th semester! and my thesis title was accepted by my research lecturer, happy :')))))
But yeah it's still, there is no place like home, and so once again, even on deciding to wish something, you'd rather be wise (:
Staring blankly ahead just making my way, making a way
through the crowd
and I need you, and I miss you
and now I wonder
If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you
Tonight
It's always time like this when I think of you
and I wonder if you ever think of me
Cause everything is so wrong and I don't belong
Living in your precious memory....
A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton)
Terakhir suka banget ngerepeat lagu ini tuh akhir tahun lalu, parah banget sampe pernah berdiri dan melamun lama di pintu belakang sambil mandangin langit, dengan earphone mutarin lagu ini, sekarang atau tahun lalu, feelnya masih sama, ngambang, aku nggak yakin aku lagi dimana sekarang, harus ngapain dan prioritasin apa, tahun lalu ketika ninggalin Banda Aceh masih satu tahun setengah, ataupun sekarang udah dua tahun setengah, masih sama aja, masih pengen banget pulang.
*****
Ada rasa kangen pengen kayak dulu lagi, ngulang ke masa-masa masih SMA, jaman-jamannya masih sering mellow, sukanya stargazing, jaman masih punya penyakit susah tidur jadi nggak tidur semaleman cuman buat nulis berlembar-lembar atau gunting-gunting kertas buat tulisin quote, resep, potongan lirik lagu, segala macem dan tempelin di satu sisi kamar yang aku jadiin kayak mading, masih suka-sukanya sama twilight dan edward cullen -______- jaman masih pake komputer tua yang udah pensiun sekarang dan nggak sempet-sempet aku repair :D jaman masih sering ngerepeat Shape Of My Heart-nya BSB atau ngafalin semua lagu dalam album Fearless-nya Taylor Swift, yes, I was there, I was too weird but I'd like to be that once again, dulu itu, walaupun suka gabung-gabung di organisasi dan ikut jadi panitia dalam banyak acara, sosialisasi aku tu payah banget, padahal kalo kata orang-orang belakangan ini, aku yang sekarang udah nggak seceria dulu, kemana-mana banyakan diem, dulu heboh, apalagi kalo diajak ngomong soal twilight, siap banget dari pagi sampe malam, dan kalo diingat malu banget sekarang :'D
I was there, dan rasanya pengen minjem mesin waktu dan balik lagi kesana, yang beban-beban hidupnya masih kayak takut dimarahin ayah kalo pulang diatas jam enam sore, soal tugas sekolah, soal berantem-berantem kecil sama temen, tapi aku nyesel karena waktu itu masih juga overthinking sama segala hal dan sering banget ngerasa nggak guna dan segala hal yang bikin aku down sampe sering stres sendiri, kalo dipikir sekarang, seharusnya, dulu bisa nikmatin semuanya dan buang semua pikiran-pikiran bodoh itu.
Sekarang udah empat-lima tahun udah nggak seperti itu lagi, lucunya, semua berubah drastis, drastis banget, aku sering merasa ngambang, nggak tau sekarang tinggal dimana dan lagi ngerjain apa, sering ngerasa banyak yang sia-sia, tapi, selalu nggak mau menyesal lagi dan berusaha ngerjain segala sesuatunya sebaik mungkin semampu aku, tapi ya tetap aja, banyak banget yang bikin sesak, dan bikin pengen ngulang lagi kayak dulu, tapi gimanapun mungkin ini hanya pikiran sesaat pas lagi down banget kayak gini, bedanya sekarang, udah agak (sedikit) dewasa dalam pandangan, jadi nyikapinnya juga, udah nggak mau buang waktu buat stres tapi fokus, slalu fokus dengan apa yang dikerjain, tapi tetap pengen nyisain waktu untuk curcol disini, tenangin diri :')
of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me all the plans that You have for me over and over again
Only Hope
--Mandy Moore--
I miss you mom, I can't help you the way too much but complicate you a lot, I imagine if I can be close to you and do the dishes, do the laundry, cook, clean the house, and everything that made you less tired as you do those all now alone, and it seems like my dreams are still so far, and I beg you again for being patient and keep believing that I can do those all, I'll beat what's still dark, or grey and catch it up, and I will always learning more, be patient enough and keep going in my way, anything I will go through in order to pursue what I want.
and you don't want me to give up, right? Jadi, hanya karena semuanya terlihat makin sia-sia tidak lantas akan membuatku berhenti percaya dan berhenti melakukannya, setidaknya ada kesempatan, ada sesuatu yang bisa aku lakukan, dan aku sedang membangun mimpi-mimpi realistis dan membuang hal-hal yang tidak pernah menjadi hakku, seperti mimpi untuk mengahkhiri hal ini dengan baik dan bisa pulang ke rumah sebagai pemenang.
Lagi pengen ngomongin soal passion, passion itu buat aku sejenis hal yang udah duluan hilang sebelum bener-bener aku perjuangkan. Ok, let's name it, dari dulu aku suka nulis, even I'm bad with it, dari dulu selalu suka pelajaran bahasa inggris, walau untuk translate jurnal yang disuruh dosen pun susah, dari dulu kepengen kuliah di harvard, no I'm serious, walopun gak pernah mikir jurusan apa karena yang aju suja tentang harvard cuma sebatas view dan sedikit yang aku tau tentabg nature-nya, dari kecil pengen jadi psikolog dan ngetes dijurusab itu dua kali dan gagal di tahun 2011, dari dulu selalu suka liat acara tv jalan-jalan yang hostnya selalu ke tempat-tempat eksotis dan tau tentang yang gak semua orang tau tentang hal tersebut dan pengen juga seperti itu walaupun wilayah terdekat di Aceh aja gak terjangkau buat aku. It seems impossible, especially now, I didn't choose my passion, I choose what keeps me walking, begitu lulus SMA, dan sadar kalo untuk bisa keterima di suatu perguruan tinggi susah, aku jadi gak mau macem-macem, yang penting keterima aja udah sukur, cukup rejeki buat kuliah aja udah alhamdulillah, lagian, aku sadar untuk nurutin passion kayak gitu mengharuskan aku untuk punya pergaulan yang lebih luas, which is bad to me, kadang-kadang ngerasa, untuk punya temen yang bisa bertahan lebih dari satu-dua tahun aja udah sukur, I'm that very less common sense person, dan setelah menjalani ini udah tiga tahun setelah lulus SMA, wara wiri di diploma 1 di tahun pertama dan udah ditingkat 3 universitas sekarang, semuanya masih belum terlalu jelas, I even forgot what I reallly feel passionate with, I keep walking, dan kalo ditanyai mau jadi apa, buram, banget.
I once ever feel so jealous dengan orang yang dapet kerjaan sesuai passion dan hobi tapi tetep dapet uang banyak--nggak bisa dipungkiri memang, to live in this place, uang itu adalah salah satu tolak ukur seseorang sukses apa enggak, dan di lingkungan ini juga passion gak terlalu dipedulikan, tiap orang dituntut sekolah bagus tinggi tinggi, trus dapat kerjaan bagus lalu ngumpulin duit sebanyak-banyaknya, as a person, I dont wanna be a hypocrite, I need money, I really wish to have a job that makes me earn lot, lots of money, gak peduli mau sesuai passion atau nggak, toh, selama dua tahun ini, aku udah selalu berjuang menghadapi bosan karena sering merasa salah jurusan, kan? Kadang sampe mual saking bosannya dan selalu ngerasa ini sia-sia, but I don't give up, something can't be real until we give it a try, so I tried, I tried to punch back anything seems punched me so hard in here, pada akhirnya, saya juga ingin terlihat kuat dan menjadi pemenang, pada akhirnya, saya rasa untuk bisa kuliah aja sudah merupakan anugerah so I embrace it and never gonna take it for granted.
Pada akhidnya, yang dikejar adalah rasa selalu ingin membuktikan diri, to prove that I can to whoever has underestimated me, no passion left, dari mulai nggak pernah mikir akan nulis buku lagi, nggak pernah penden main-main, selalu serius dan fokus, dan berharap suatu saat yang aku jalani sekarang udah yang terbaik, yang aku seriusin sekarang adalah yang benar-benar bisa 'membantu' kehidupan aku suatu saat nanti.
But, to see 9gag's twitter pic this morning is emotionally punch me down, I miss my thoughts, my pass life, how I create my mindset good to always stay straight in my dreams, work for that, and even it's still impossible, I realized maybe I just never have done anything, I never truly see how it works around here, or I skipped my passion to anything I said keeps me walking, apapun yang nggak bisa aku miliki aku akui karena aku gak terlalu memperjuangkannya, whether it was so hard or it's me always feel tough, it's not happen to me. But I can say for this chance--I always love to say this is my last chance to keep me work so hard, I'd never take this for granted, the future awaits now, I need to prove to myself first that I can do it, and I'd do it, done this well and think my another step to chase, and do it even better, so, yeah, it's my passion now.
"...it's a beautiful place once I saw in my friend's IG, dont you think we should go?" me, in a huge of excitement, typed you.
"Well, we will if you want to" you replied.
"Okay."
"Just go home, I miss you. When you're here we'll explore more places"
Once in a while, or to be honest, often, I imagined how if I still stay in one city, do we go to many places we planned yet have no time to go, or will we do some interesting stuff which may looks like a kind of boring stuffs to others? Will we become closer than now? Or, do you have some things you never tell me? I always wonder how it'd be, and so I knew that is impossible so I tried to just imagine how our future may look like, yes, I'm imagining now, it's beautiful like heaven, with some scars and hard stuffs, but it's still heaven because of we are together :)
It's almost holiday, and you asked me to list plenty of things to do together, bad news was 4 exams for the following week will be canceled for a week, so, I had two weeks to go before I can completely being home, and so, we just like, crazy. But no, me crazt, you said I need to enjoy every single time but I'm not sure how long I'll stay.
Yes, the distance, not a big deal for us almost 2 years but sometimes it's kiling I cant stand of, so, I need you to shower me with kind of 'be thankful' advice. Ouh...
Ouuh, how I miss you more today, the intensity is bigger than ever.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
I was so inspired dengan posting di blognya bang Tirta yang judulnya kehidupan, mungkin kita semua udah pernah dengar hal-hal kayak kalo mau sukses, harus kerja keras dulu, tapi beda kalo ngeliat dari sisi 'bukti' yang udah ada dari sekedar ucapan-ucapan itu.
Disitu bang Tirta nyeritain gimana dulu dia cuman kalangan nerd yang sekarang udah kerja di E&Y, ngorbanin segala bentuk cap gaul dan bener-bener kerja keras buat masa depannya, and now, voila! Everything has paid off, segala capek-capeknya dulu udah terbayar, aku sampe ngesave tulisan itu di saved pages web di hp karena kalo lagi males belajar aku bisa ngulang-ngulang bacanya, well, good writings are the best entertainment to me (baca: weird.).
Well, mungkin penulisnya mau ngegambarin kalo hidup itu adil sebenernya, semuanya akan selalu jatuh di tempatnya sendiri-sendiri tergantung tempat mana yang sudah dipilih oleh masing-masing manusia, istilahnya, semuanya udah ada jalurnya, tinggal kita pilih yang mana, dan gimana kita harus 'tahan' untuk ngorbanin sesuatu yang sesaat untuk hal-hal yang lebih penting kedepan, ini yang nggak banyak disadarin orang, atau mungkin sebenernya semua udah tau, cuman selalu masih ngerasa punya waktu, padahal, jarak 2009 sampe 2014 aja udah kayak sekejap mata sekarang, I wonder it's just me, but I feel time flies faster all day, artinya, kita nggak pernah punya cukup waktu, jadi ayo pergunakan waktu sebaik-baiknya sekarang :)
Bukan cuman bang Tirta, udah banyak contoh yang aku liat, gimana mereka bisa ngorbanin segala bentuk kesenengan di masa muda mereka dan mereka dapet apa aja yang mereka inginkan dan perjuangkan, Tuhan maha adil, dan selalu punya rencana lebih indah dari yang kita duga, mungkin nggak ada yang namanya, saya ditempatin di tempat yang nyebelin sementara orang lain dapetnya bagus-bagus terus, but look of what they have done with themselves, mereka sudah bekerja keras makanya mereka bisa berada di tempat mereka yang sekarang.
Intinya, work hard will paid off, let's stay in faith, ngerangkai lagi pecahan-pecahan harapan karena keputusasaan, keep moving, karena dunia nggak nunggu kita, kita yang harus ngejar.
We are going through the worst feeling whenever we want to get fresher, we cry, we faced pain, how worst when the lonely feelings came almost every nights, we faced it convincing ourselves that tomorrow we will find friends around to talk, to laugh, and the night came again, over and over again being a lonely girl when everything seems allright.
We pretend because we had tired to try, to explain but they feel we were arguing, it's bad to feel like we face our life alone, no place to share, but it's true, in the end, we are one responsible of our own happiness right? So I feel okay this time, and I will stop complaining like they always saw me I was a spoiled brat, the reason why I'm still here are mom has lots of expectations in me, my dad raised me to be better always better than what he had in the entire life, not always about my family, I have my own expectations like I'm keeping my faith, I don't know if there is still a hope that stands in me, I'm no longer believe in anything since my dreams are all like failed, ridicilous, the point is people, or my sister always convinced that I'm still having the chances, not like her today a twenty nine housewife with two little kids that regret a lot, she acted like she regret, eventhough I saw she is fine all the way, we pretend, like us too,
Future seems far yet close now, my friends are getting married, I was grown up believing like married s the state of future looks like, c'mon, so common thoughts right, but that's not what I believe I have to do since I have strict of destinations in my head, but now seems far to me to reach my goal, so, I made this note hoping all the bad things in my head will go away.
Because success is a state of mind, start thinking yourself as a success, I only wanna be happy living my dreams, because I desperate to see nothing works until today while people traveled around their dreams in the same age like me.
Try harder, probably, don't always sit while people is trying to build a chair, yes, you might feel more bitter than this living the way to get the way you want, I just have to believe that one day I will get it too, to get to what I like, to living my dreams, live with people I love, in the brighter day, in a beautiful place, there will be no more pain inside, we just happy. I hope at least one day I will feel it, because if we don't have strict problems, that was not a life, right? :)
