Thank you for choosing us, little girl.
Sometimes, we still had no idea about who we are, how could life brought us this far, then you came around and everything feels fine.
We hope you're happy, we will do everything to make sure you do,
Let's conquer this planet together, baby, let's unite and againts all odds,
We hope you're strong, and you'll be everywhere your dreams leads, and don't be afraid, honey, you can always count on us.
Your mother can't wait to hug you tight, to feel your warmth, remember this, my little munchy, I'm your home, remember when life gets hard, I'm there,
Remember that I have so much love for you, even ones I don't know exsist, they are also for you.

Baby, I owe you for lighten up our home so much nowadays, don't worry, everything is ready when you're here, we just can't wait...


My baby A, 25 weeks on my womb.

These past few weeks has been crazy--(not the craziest, noted it!) but some of busiest days I've ever had in life, got no weekend since middle of july, I've been switched from headache to stomachache for quite times, and yes, I don't know what to write I just sometimes thinking of my past so much and missing being in there,

I miss being with my family,
and slightly wish that my husband has been a part of me since in childhood,
I wish so many things that impossible.

I'm just tired, I know, I didn't have holiday yet and freaking need one.

Wish me luck with everything.

T H E W E DD I N G O F

Throwing back to the day we smiled nervously because we got to play dress-up and be the centre of attention, and because it wasn't 'us' at all, but it strange to say because behind the scene we were worked so hard and put our biggest struggle to get the day covered and then we prayed that everything went smooth and fast like a blink of eye so we don't have to suffer more, kinda weird.

The feeling of that day, I wanted to put many Celine Dion love songs, I wanted to go around the beach if I could after the day ended, I wanted to put a long YAIIY in my personal diary (which I didn't write for so long), I didn't know whether it is because I AM SO TIRED, or just excited to enter my new life, which once looked so weird and scary, but it was just theory, because being with you, is probably I am reaching my right path, because everything feels so right, and so genuine, the right feeling of not again regretting my past decision, and you are my happy place, that I can always come whenever I want, but I choose not to leave.

It's crazy how our path crossed, till we choose to wear that fancy dress pretending like we have no idea what happened, because not a little moments in there defined us, and we are relieved everything went well and here are we, ready to share our rest of our lives.

<3 <3 <3

Cant stand the fact that Im falling so hard for you.

That every decision made feel so right.

Dear husband to be, 

I wish we met earlier, in the day I fought with myself everyday and how I was just a little mess, that I doubt that you would feel the same, 

I wish I met you when I was just started to renew my life 4 years ago, 

and sometimes I wish I met you when I still played in my yard catching butterflies,

I wish I found you earlier than finding my own self,

That I'm sure I would have been better,

That I wouldn't need to break myself to pieces, to sacrifice more than needed to find what happiness really is,

I wish I knew you first above all, 

This kind of feeling to write at 1:37 a.m

I could never say this straight to you,

I love you more than you know, more than you already believe,

And I'll be with you, accompany you, for the good and the bad, I will always be with you.

When You Need to Post at 4 pm In The Morning

Being sick for almost a week, Mom is being my right handed person now, not just providing me everything I need but also the moral support itself, because sometimes, you need to keep on side things that driven inside yourself, and its impossible without mom right now, never been able to imagine. Fiancé also spent a day accompanying me, bought me some medicines and other things, brought me to the hospital, checking me everytime when he couldn't make it to be around me, even covered "Bohemian Rhapsody" tonight. 

When in other side, I left all of my outstanding works, cant help but feeling guilty of things I should be done but cant make it right now, in the moment where I feel Im on my lowest point of this work-life things, but still wake up feeling great and happy. I really dont know what happen and what I have done to make me deserve this.

and so the journey begins

Being accompanied to ride home at 10, while my place is so far from yours, while you got cough and cold and some other illness and brought no sweater, I got super hectic schedule and spent so little time with you, but its ok because you would struggle to make that little time works by having me complaining about everything and there you are always getting my things covered, sing a long westlife songs, fooling around, and having my best laugh for today, then I knew that nothing else in this world matters.


I love you, A. :)

:')

Today I feel so happy because everything went well, my work-life is just getting heavier but my realtionship to all colleagues just getting better, my sister has signed her new dream job, my family relationship just getting closer, all of my close friends in my college finally found their job, and fiance launched his office today and being busier than ever, probably this is the first time I'm being so happy that I wanted to cry at the same time. I'm happy for everyone I didn't get chance to see too often but they are fine anyway...

I really meant it because it feels like I want to cry but now I'm still at my desk doing one or two work left for today.

The last is that we (me and fiance) already found our H day, and our relationship just developed into some serious talks and plans, and plans, and I can't thank God enough for revolving my world around this person, I gained positive energy almost everyday and feeling so blessed.

2019 would be a kick off transformation for almost everything, life has been so good and God has always been so kind. 

Alhamdulillah...

I Do.

finally engaged to the most fun, loving, and caring person, it's magical when everything you aimed comes true, actually, this feels even more than what I aimed, as a nobody, it would be so fussy to hope everything you want in life is granted by God, but God is good, He always do, He granted things that even I forgot to put in prayers, and in a blink, He blows up my entire world.

It's funny because I was so pathetic this early year, my job a lil bit prevented me to look up to other things, I didn't even know when would I start dating again, this feels like so fast even though in fact, it doesn't (I repeated "so fast" like too much, enough to make him upset :D), I didn't even sure what I actually did when he proposed, but I've never been so sure being with a person.

Alhamdulillah,

I hope that everything goes well, can't believe what I've done like I flew somewhere faraway, everything seems so different now, and it's exciting and feel so right. In the end, I hope that we can make a good spouse, an excellent partner, that we will always be there for each other, that no matter how hard our day, we will always getting back on each other arms. 

********

....I wanna put a thick and long YAIIIIIIIYYYYYYY because finally, finally, finallyyyyyyy :')))))

You taught me how to be beyond thankful, beyond blessed, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you like the very bit of it like in my every heartbeat. God knows I only want you and I cant wait for our day too xx)

Kindness wins, always, and you are the kindest I know. Thank you for being so sure with me.

Gadget Addiction and Other Things

Lately, and by that I mean it's been few months already, I thought I kinda really addicted with my smartphone, scrolling Instagram for nothing, scrolling through old funny messages in Whatsapp Messanger, browsing this and that, searching old songs in Joox, I could spend hours doing nothing but staring at my phone, it's not like I never did that, but I didn't do that everyday, like, after office hours, during office hours when it's lack of work to be done, sometimes before office too, not to mention my weekend, this is so far steals my sanity, every procrastinating I did is because I was spending too much time with this little stuff on my hand, this really bothers me, at least that's why I write -____-

I already planned to cook for a long time, at least in weekend because I am one of the worst cook (probably not, I did cook and people ate my food without complaining, ini mau ngebela diri sendiri demi self-esteem aja sih muehehehe), I always planned to cook at weekend but then I can only remember it again in sunday night CK!, but things are different as I plan (or us, me and bf :D) to go to the next level next year a.k.a yes, getting married, what else? :D, this is really something, even, he knows that I'm no good with being at home and doing house work, like, cleaning the house, cooking, even he knows I'm not really neat as a woman and horeeee he doesn't complain, but traditionally, I perceive that a woman should cook, no matter how busy, how little she spent her time at the house, I have this thing inside of me that I'll be the woman my family will depend on, like, being responsible on everything, my work, my house duty, fulfilling my husband and kids needs,  as I grow up, I believe I already witness enough examples about type of women, and as all we know, nobody's really perfect, I don't want to be perfect, I only wanna be reliable.

Ini udah kemana sih? 

Oke, soal kecanduan smartphone.

At home, if there's no smartphone, I tried to open my laptop and go on movies folder, I had so many movies I haven't watch, last time I watched "Crazy Rich Asian" and I'm one of those people who thinks the movie was like, meh, just that, but the visual, I know I kinda liked it, so if I once leaving my phone, my head leads me to watch and skip (skip watching, as I said lol) "Crazy Rich Asian", by saying my head is leading, I mean, that one thing popped on my mind if I take a little time off staring at phone, what a sad truth :".

I got a long list of what to do but I haven't done anything in my life besides my work right now, I also need to improve my english, to open my accounting books to recall so many things, I need to clean out, really clean out my room, I want this, I want that, but now I wonder, where is my self-control?

Spending almost 20 minutes writing this because I checked my phone at least 5 times during this, I am ugly I wanna cry.

US, Part 3

I remember that night we were talking about life, tenaagehood, high school life, things we’ve been missing and how far we’ve became,

“Sometimes, I wish I met you earlier.” You said, this felt warmth inside but all I can do is sigh (I’m a pro in hiding what I actually feel and express it somehow different wholefully).

“Despite on everything happened, today is relevant, this is the truth” Me replied, not sure about what I say.

“I don’t know, but sometimes. It’s only what if’s thoughts I couldn’t refuse.”

I was mesmerizing by thoughts about you, I’ve never been felt special in any way, being appreciated, those issues somehow disturbing.

“I don’t think I would feel the same if I ever seen you 7 years ago” randomly, I was wondering what you are thinking, and exactly, you pointed on that.

“Because you’re with a person? High school lover and all stuff?” I know you laughed.

“Nope, because I wasn’t yet at this point of life, what I experienced is different, I might not be the same person you know and you’re kinda pushing me away if you know me.”

Yea, that’s true.

“Lie.” You said, in the middle of the night and lil bit rainy outside, on long phone call and I was on my comfy and warmth bed.

“Hahaha…”

“That’s exactly why I wanted it to.” You said, and then we have long pause,

Then you add,

“I know I’d still like you, I don’t know, I’m just sure about it.”

Hey self,

Being terrified is undeniable sometimes, nevertheless, you've been through so many things, you went through tough patches wondering what is like to be free, in fact, there's no such thing as a constant freedom, take a break and a deep deep breath, keep walking elegantly, you're nothing but a mess thoughts in this freaking unpredictable world, but here's a news, more than one billion people struggles the exact same thing, so, chill out.

here is what to do:

* staying far from procrastinating, just like, now.

* list important stuffs, write, write!!! (I've been always into writing and reading, I might have lost myself to know there are only lack of writings I did even ones who doesnt need to think so much--like, making a list?)

* avoid overthinking, I know you can't, but most of times, you should.

* stubborn on failures, set your goal as high as you can do, you always know your limit, when you don't, you only lose yourself sometimes. 

* you're right, all of your decisions making are right, take a slow ride on punishing yourself about stuffs you can't handle.

you don't forget that human are just confusing, just...breathe.

me, dating at 25, 

"What's your MBTI sign?"

--"What's MBTI?"

"Seriously? You better take the test right now." sending online test link :'))

--"Is it matter?"

"YEASSHH!"

I miss you, Ayah, I really do.

one of the worst feeling in the world is hoping you could at just once time seeing where I am today, I might peeved yourself out, I might have made you proud. But whatever it is I only wanna see you.

Thank You

Life is too short and meaningless to spend with somebody you're not happy to be with, because really, happiness matters, and also comfortable, is crucial, because, what else do we need than going home in the end of the day, exhausted about life and have someone by our side to talk about...everything, to find our greatest listener, the one who stays.

And then it comes the time for me, to understand line I stated above, when I found him, he is the one who gets me, who listens to me, who cracks better jokes than anyone that gets me laugh till I cry, that you will always say nice stuffs, the one who's slightly putting my needs over his, the one who spend a bit of their busy time just to make sure I am doing okay, the one who, listens to me at 2 am complaining about my own (really like just mine) problem, though he was just got home and need to take a heavy long nap because he has been working a lot for three days and had just little sleep, that I am nothing but jerk sometimes but he accepted it even making his own joke about it, that he never, never even in just once time, trying to change me, he enjoys me with my childishness, me being overthinking, me having opinion about EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING, and do I forgot to mention that he also remember every single little things I said and did? He does, and I've never been feeling super appreciated, and I've never been feeling so sure about this, that I've fallen way too easy this time, toooooooo easy like, a month ago we are still strangers but look, three months after we are already something that is cute, that is perfect.

You really are my accepted prayers, the present God has been prepared just for me, and I kinda wanna be a person that is good for you too, a person whos there to fulfill your needs, a person who you feel understands you  (like how I feel about yourself),  I wanna be somebody you are relying on, that is I got long list about "I wanna be the one who is perfect for you" stuffs but I am just an insecure, pretty much too shy, and too lame, that is how I'm so grateful that you are staying eventhough you are already know my weaknesses, my turn off-point, that you never care about things like that.

I dont know how to express my feeling right now because I'm not a pro, but I hope you know how I'm feeling so grateful to have you by my side, everything feels like, you're worth the wait, and my past, good or bad, seems worth it, that all of my insecurities about this lovelife stuff, all my trust that has been betrayed, is paid off. As you said before, I also wish to meet you earlier so I wouldnt even need to feel those all stuffs, that I would fall in love with you sooner, and I guess my life would have been better. But no, it took a greatest pain to understand happiness, isnt it?

This is the last time I hope to feel so hopeless about thought: how could I be so dumb lately? Like, literally dumb and super slow, one of co worker told me that I was literally super slow and forget so much things, and he asked: is there anything really distracted your mind right now?

Today, I forgot where did I put a file, another day I was like spending 5 minutes of thinking when my friends asked about work stuffs, like, I completely lose it, its out, you know, I hate it when people noticed I wasnt serious about me doing this job, because I spent literally most of times in there, and even I am too, more than just too 'lazy' doing my last report, but I want everyone knows that I appreciate this chance like so much, this thing has changed me into more discipline and organized as a person, when I am looking like blowing it, believe me, its just another side of crazy me.


I'll try harder, I will do, immediately.

Us. (Part 1)

and so the greatest chapter of life is about to begin...

We are not perfect we'll learn from our mistakes

And as long as it takes I will prove my love to you

I am not scared of the elements I am underprepared

But I am willing

And even better

I get to be the other half of you

[I Choose You -- Sara Bareilles]

I've spent last of 30 minutes thinking about how to be spirited and more outgoing in this kind of not so ready to face monday mood, googling about mood boosting tips and my browser tabs are full of it, my head is kinda heavy, my tummy is uncomfortable, I even went to my office cafetaria and buy three pieces of bakwan and eat it all by myself, this is my second day of period and I most likely to have dysmenorrhoea, you can click the link because I barely know it too :D Okay, inhalee.....exhale.....inhale.......exhale......

Dear self, you've been through a lot and you know it, there would be more obstacles to face in the future but you are now a much ready person than ever, do not rush, do not panic, everything is fine, it's even so fine not to know so much--lots of things about your work stuffs like your senior ever told you once that he learnt it by years to get to know a whole of work they have here, that is okay, that is okay to feel small because you have time to struggle more as you always do, you will learn so much more too, look back, sometimes, and thank God about what you have now.

errr, who wrote those stuffs above, please... bye!

Title The Untitled

As a strict life planner, I always know when I need to do something and why I'm going to do that, I always know what I want, like, everytime I look back, its just a little memory proofs that I mostly encounter everything based on 'what to do' 'what to choose' and why and why personally on my head. In daily activities, I used to be patient if it requires me to choose because I might have think about "the-it-all", the consequences, how to live that decision, etc, etc, everything that caused me scare and overthinking, and often, sad. That's why I guess I have only limited option cause I was only a restrained person.

In short, I hate uncertainty.

I don't risk, and my thoughts would not always right, I might be wrong, I already cancelled plenty of 'should-be-yes' decisions because I was too afraid, it's so much complicated to be myself, I know even it's humanly right to be wrong, but hell no, I wasn't made that way.

This is a realization I need to confess right now, during work, and slightly sliding memories in my head cause I'm that pro about multi-task, THIS IS ABOUT I SHOULD HAVE SAID SO MANY YES TO THINGS THAT HAS LEFT, and I shouldn't regret, because there's no place left on my head to process these kinda stuffs, my head is kinda heavy right now.

no, darling, my life is in its amazing patch, don't mistaken, this is just...trash.

Weird

More than a year being an officer and being called as "Ibu Suci" every single damn time I talk with people that has business with me (not co-workers) is still annoying like a lot like I lost words to use in every convos and I can't help but cursing myself why am I feeling like I'm 15 year old girl to be treated as and I will be just quiet and listen to them and they would end the chat faster with..."okay, then."

Maybe I'm still 15 year old girl with a lot more of responsibilities.