As a new mom, isn't it normal to miss being single? I miss the early days, where the busiest thing to do is just working, but its kind of a guilt to say.

I love my baby so much like I don't have much idea in the future where I cannot see her being beside me, she's my top priority, even there's like nothing really matter about myself, it's just her.

But the way days are changing, is sometimes, terrifying.

I just need to write.

23.50

I didn't see my girl for almost a day today because I get to work 8 to 7 today, just so yesterday, and can't even close my eyes right now thinking my baby deserves a lot better than this. She needs me, she needs only me, remember days when she cried and she could only get calm again on my arms (also remember she cried when I ain't there), also, remember every little phase she has became (too many of it I didnt get to witness the first time)

Rania, I'm sorry because I can't manage it, just can't manage it, I'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable choosing me (..probably later when you already abit older), mama just cant manage to be there all the time (and also cant measure the pain), and sorry if in the early morning when you wake up, I'll be extremely sleepy, so I (once again) wont be there to talk in front of your face just to see how beautiful your smile is.

Rania, mama has lots of things, bunch of thoughts going on, it's just, I dont want you to feel less loved, I sometimes just cant prove it, but nothing in this world would make it less real.

Be grateful to have an ability to feel grateful at little things.

Just read several notes I made 6-7 years ago~ I can simply say how life has changed, how I am changing, and God, Thank You for making me feel so much comfortable with my life right now, for showing that pain isn't last, Thank You for keep providing things I sometimes thought not a well-deserved, Thank You for rewarding my hardworks, Thank You for putting me right into this place today, Thank You for showing that past that worth every tears and changed that into this beautiful waterfall of life.

Thank You for always teaching me life. I'm forever grateful.

Welcoming My Girl, My Favorite Girl

Thank you for choosing us, little girl.
Sometimes, we still had no idea about who we are, how could life brought us this far, then you came around and everything feels fine.
We hope you're happy, we will do everything to make sure you do,
Let's conquer this planet together, baby, let's unite and againts all odds,
We hope you're strong, and you'll be everywhere your dreams leads, and don't be afraid, honey, you can always count on us.
Your mother can't wait to hug you tight, to feel your warmth, remember this, my little munchy, I'm your home, remember when life gets hard, I'm there,
Remember that I have so much love for you, even ones I don't know exsist, they are also for you.

Baby, I owe you for lighten up our home so much nowadays, don't worry, everything is ready when you're here, we just can't wait...


My baby A, 25 weeks on my womb.

I always wanted to be that girl who is considered dumb just to surprise them in the end that I can really do everything by myself and I can fix things. It also like being under-estimated and how I excited to prove them wrong.

Sometimes, I'm asking myself, why?

I have so much in my shoulders already,
and I'm also sick,

I'm also like, take me back to days where everything is easier, days where I didn't need to spill these thoughts alone.

These past few weeks has been crazy--(not the craziest, noted it!) but some of busiest days I've ever had in life, got no weekend since middle of july, I've been switched from headache to stomachache for quite times, and yes, I don't know what to write I just sometimes thinking of my past so much and missing being in there,

I miss being with my family,
and slightly wish that my husband has been a part of me since in childhood,
I wish so many things that impossible.

I'm just tired, I know, I didn't have holiday yet and freaking need one.

Wish me luck with everything.

T H E W E DD I N G O F

Throwing back to the day we smiled nervously because we got to play dress-up and be the centre of attention, and because it wasn't 'us' at all, but it strange to say because behind the scene we were worked so hard and put our biggest struggle to get the day covered and then we prayed that everything went smooth and fast like a blink of eye so we don't have to suffer more, kinda weird.

The feeling of that day, I wanted to put many Celine Dion love songs, I wanted to go around the beach if I could after the day ended, I wanted to put a long YAIIY in my personal diary (which I didn't write for so long), I didn't know whether it is because I AM SO TIRED, or just excited to enter my new life, which once looked so weird and scary, but it was just theory, because being with you, is probably I am reaching my right path, because everything feels so right, and so genuine, the right feeling of not again regretting my past decision, and you are my happy place, that I can always come whenever I want, but I choose not to leave.

It's crazy how our path crossed, till we choose to wear that fancy dress pretending like we have no idea what happened, because not a little moments in there defined us, and we are relieved everything went well and here are we, ready to share our rest of our lives.

<3 <3 <3

God knows the best for you and when is the best for you to have it.

Suddenly it makes sense better than ever.

Cant stand the fact that Im falling so hard for you.

That every decision made feel so right.

Dear husband to be, 

I wish we met earlier, in the day I fought with myself everyday and how I was just a little mess, that I doubt that you would feel the same, 

I wish I met you when I was just started to renew my life 4 years ago, 

and sometimes I wish I met you when I still played in my yard catching butterflies,

I wish I found you earlier than finding my own self,

That I'm sure I would have been better,

That I wouldn't need to break myself to pieces, to sacrifice more than needed to find what happiness really is,

I wish I knew you first above all, 

This kind of feeling to write at 1:37 a.m

I could never say this straight to you,

I love you more than you know, more than you already believe,

And I'll be with you, accompany you, for the good and the bad, I will always be with you.

H-13 before the wedding. 

Feeling nervous about to wear a dress, a crown, being captured, being a spotlight.

Too much,

But never too worry about being a wife, about marriage life, about things that will come, about us.

And suddenly I understand, I have found the one, my perfect fit, my bestfriend, my missing piece.

I know you barely know my blog and you hate it because I never wrote anything in bahasa, but I'm already so full I can burst. Lets make a perfect team, sayang♡