“Everything hurts and no one is telling me how to heal

I mediate with rose squartz resting in my palms

I eat more bananas

I make a spell with bat’s wings and dandelion water

Something has to work,

But I am waiting, at the end of my rope,

Braiding my hair into broken,

Twisted cups of thread,

In a desperate way of begging the universe to put me somewhere safe”

-Schuyler Peck

“I need you to be monster

Which is to say, I am trying not to love you

Which is to say, I am still dreaming of kissing your claws”

-Fortessa Latifi

“I said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang’.

The sun said, ‘it hurts to become’”

-Andrea Gibson

“I wonder if I will remember this as the winter where everyone died but  wasn’t overcome with sadness”

-Chrissy Stockton

“It is a Tuesday when I love someone who doesn’t love me,

No, it’s not the first time

But it’s a sad time, oh, it’s always a sad time

But my heart doesn’t listen, doesn’t understand,

Soars like a child in a rocket ship,

Doesnt’ believe in gravity, doesn’t believe in learning a lesson,

Wants to give until there is nothing left but glitter”

-Yena Sharma Purmasir

“To love me is to love a haunted house

-it’s fun to visit once a year,

But no one wants to live there”

-Brenna Twohy

“When it rains I know you are looking at the same rain,

I have to believe it means something different to you than it does to me”

-Jones Howell

“The truth is,

Some pain just isn’t worth it.

Sometimes, the hurt gets old

Sometimes, you get tired of being the one who has to heal”

-Caitlyn Siehl

“I love you head over handles,

Like my first bicycle accident

--before the mouthful of gravel and blood,

I swore we were flying”

-Sierra DeMulder

“It’s been three years since I’ve spent the night with someone who liked me enough to get breakfast in the morning.

Still, I spread my heart  thin like butter on toast, hoping someone else will come along and snatch it off my plate”

-Trista Mateer

“I care

Like it is an alternative to breathing and every available ounce of oxygen has suddenly gone missing”

-Danielle Shorr

Credits: thoughtcatalog.com

When you feel you have ran all your life to something you know too far from you, when you live and felt like not awake, and nothing could be worse than yourself surrender in doing something you love, just like...this.

I hate it to type this cheesy thing over and over again, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, well in fact, I'm super fine, I'm just obsessing in graduate faster, going back home, getting a job and some kind of other stuffs, but the rest is good, and when it was better than I feel TODAY, I started doing thing that makes me gonna hate myself for another month, and this tragedy seems to repeat itself whenever I already felt better, like, three months ago, and it bothers me like sooooooo damn much, like I feel tired to wake up in the morning, but no, I don't wanna die.

So, like you know, I didn't chase back, I don't take things for granted like I used to, I just hope and breaking that hope again, and going to hope again, and on the way in breaking hope over again.

Chill

Udah puluhan atau mungkin ratusan kali duduk sendirian di pojokan warung kopi demi wifi gratis ditemenin minuman hangat yang jadi dingin atau minuman dingin yang esnya mencair sendirian untuk skripsi dari awal 2015 lalu, dari masa-masanya nyari judul trus bikin proposal mini, ditolak beberapa kali, diterima dan keluar SK, ngatur proposal skripsi, 'cuti' tiga bulan trus bikin proposal skripsi--masa masa konsul yang nggak ada akhirnya, sampe dapet acc seminar skripsi akhir desember lalu, trus nunggu dipanggil seminar sampe tiga bulan, officially seminar tanggal 5 april kemarin, dan kembali lagi ke masa-masa konsul untuk sidang skripsi sekarang ini, dan baru pertama kali terlintas di pikiran saya, apa yang saya cari?

I mean, abis ini saya kemana?

Kerja?

Menikah?

Menikah ya nggak mungkin, calonnya aja masih fiktif, jadi saya realistis aja deh ya, kerja! Kerja harus jadi prioritas utama karena saya belajar kalo ngayal tu yang kira-kira mungkin aja, jangan yang enggak-enggak -______- trus oke, saya pengen cepet kelar kuliah juga supaya bisa kerja, dan target udah mau nyelesein kuliah dari bulan tiga ini udah ngaret sampe dua bulan, yeah, I'm such in that rush I couldn't even understand myself.

Sebenernya perasaan pengen 'bebas' ini yang aku nggak ngerti, nggak ada yang salah sama tinggal jauh dari orang tua, masalahnya ya cuma pengen pulang, nggak ada yang salah dengan tinggal di Lhokseumawe sendirian, karena emang nggak ngerti deh gimana bisa sepi kalo ditemenin sama delapan spesies-spesies ajaib disana, belom lagi teman-teman satu kosan, teman-teman kuliah, sampe dosen-dosen yang udah kayak temen, bener-bener nggak ada yang salah. 

Berada di Banda Aceh juga nggak nyaman-nyaman banget, harga-harga makin naik, teman-teman lama udah kebanyakan ngilang, trus ini cuma perasaan personal aja, tapi kalo udah dekat banda aceh tu kayak ada beban berat aja dipundak, I gained tons in my shoulders, tapi beneran nggak tau itu apa.

Melankolis sih, susah kan..

So, here I am again, dengan kebingungan nggak ada abisnya menjelang 23 (Oh yes, I'm so stoked with age! Gimana coba udah 23 aja sementara sendirinya ngerasa kayak 18 taun terus), dan believe it or not, beberapa hal juga harus dihapus dari list saking nggak mau ngeribetin diri sendiri lebih lagi dan bikin diri sendiri senyaman yang saya bisa.

Oke, maybe I need to chill, chill, chill...

Sigh

Minggu ini tiba-tiba ditawarin sesuatu yang bikin harus kerja dua kali lipat lebih keras daripada kalo dikasih taunya sebulan yang lalu, tapi sejak pengen banget sibuk sibukin diri (yaaah dari pada bosen di kos sendirian), aku terima aja, since I *surprisingly* like to learn everything so much lately, jadi beberapa hari ini otak sama badan di press banget sampe cuman bisa tidur dua-tiga jam sehari. Point is, wish me luck yaaaaa, semoga semua yang diusahakan bulan ini berjalan lancar, by the way berapa minggu lagi mau seminar (akhirnyaaa) setelah tiga bulan nunggu dipanggil :')) semoga cepet lulus dan pulang lagi bisa bareng sama keluarga lagi, amin.

and I've been so caught in my job didn't see what's going on

It takes long time to post the song in blog, it's really feels cheesy but I love this one.

Another Random Thoughts

Sometimes it's exhausted to feel useless, failed to fix things just because me being so lazy, me postponed things a lot, me love working in every last minute time, then so the work itself became not so good, I hate losing control of things yet I sometimes feeling super bored and lazy about all of this, I didn't really enjoy being in the process of anything, yes, to be honest, I'm losing my track of feeling comfortable doing, it's just childish, you know, I hate being one, I hate seeing myself standing only in one place where people in my age move and move forward pursuing their dreams, it's stressing me out cause I always feel less, there's something wrong about me, there is something big upon me I can't explore, I can't elaborate, something like that, that is exactly what makes me giving up on so many things lately.

I (still) don't know what happen.

To me, age matters, I'll be 23 soon, and how I avoid talking about age this year, 23 is something, adding one number again in my age, I'm afraid, I'm afraid not to do good things, I'm afraid not to finish my study in the right time (well, I'm in my way to exhibit my thesis proposal in these next two weeks), I'm afraid not to get the job after I finish my study, earlier I thought it was a good idea to start my own online store (and I started RULLSCIAPROJECT)--yes, then some problems happened, well, I promise to fix it after I finish my task in university, leave it behind, this is so 20's something average problem, being scared of life, being insecure, or it's just me?

I gained weight, like extremely hard, I become bored on things I used to love making so much, post-breakup syndrome? I guess not, I could be looking so weak in some of blogposts but believe me, like average friends quite told me sometimes that I looked very strong, I never made it a habit to be sad, well I used to, but not anymore, I'm super fine, I just become lazy, and I hate to be that.

I don't keep that extremely creepy wishes anymore, I just wish that next months after this I can live seeing my mom everyday, getting a job, creating something to sell, the point is, making money, I really wanna see myself busy doing things, a useful me, me becoming reliable, somebody that people or at least my mom can be depend on, just that simple.

Just A Little Bit Too Much

Semalem begadang sampe jam empat pagi, trus bangun beberapa jam kemudian kayak merasa dehidrasi, karena air di galon udah mau abis jadi cuman bisa neguk satu gelas doang dan akhirnya belabuh disini. *gak enak banget bahasanya berlabuh:D*

Jadi, ini ceritanya masih liburan  tidur-makan-wifian di alue bilie, Nagan Raya, sekitar dua jam diatas Aceh Barat, karena bosen, bisa kali ya kalo ngeshare sesuatu yang ditulis semalah, this is kinda super personal, yhaaaaaa emang selalu personal sih kayak biasanya juga, bukan maksud mau ngumbar-ngumbar, but you should know earlier this is the blog where I write to record my life *halaaahhhh apaan sih* here we go.

*****

Fin.

Love is a minefield. You take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess that's human nature. 
-- Kate Welles (Famke Janssen)

Now I have to remain myself is no more failure to make and more focus to live, Allah has been very very very very kind with life lessons and so much more opportunities ahead waiting for me to take, I have learnt that everything has shaped that way since every beginning no more than make us wiser in the end, Allah has showed that every doubts I have in my past relationship has this kind of result.

I didn’t hate myself for giving such every spirit to love, I loved very very deep, no, when something isn’t fall on it’s place doesn’t mean that my life will end, I know, I have so many times to figuring out more things today, especially to prove what I can do. I have unrealistic dream and I dare myself to make it happen today, I tried something very new to me which first I doubt myself but it went great so far, I’m so close with my bachelor degree, I have plenty of short term expectations, the most important thing is I have learnt that everything we plan it will be wiser to settled it first in our parents point of view—My mom felt okay with everything I take lately and she even said I have such a gift as seeing something in a good way—surprisingly, everything like has it’s own transformation, I’m no longer a person who avoid listening to the songs I loved in this past 5-6 years, okay, that’s quite shallow, me, for instance, hating the streets once, how I love being escape outside Banda Aceh just because I had so many-many-many-many-many memories there (yes, still about that last current problem), now I even see it as unforgivable thing for me being spoiled like that. I quite emotionally saying I have been through the worst thing (I can’t just write down here) and now my head has it’s own thing to overcome rather than wasting time having meaningless thinking that I should early know just to waste my time.

These 7 months parachute and he is we were always bother me, feeling betrayed or else—now they are playing in shuffle <3

I *in a strange way* is 22 year old who re-arrange stuffs I aim a lot since I was a kid, yes, it’s a lil bit lie because I’m not that type of person who always knows what I want (this is actually is the root of every trouble of my condition today), but, seriously, I’m shaping things today, wake up with schedule, starting day forcing myself not to be lazy and push myself harder to work even when I was so tired, I have told you, I should try twice everything today because of long gone mistakes I made and I have no regret afterall.

In *also* strange way, I can hear the conspiration of the world that made me I am today is when Allah tries to speak louder to me, I don’t need to put Mario Teguh quote in here right? I’m way more messier in putting words together but I loved to see my writings done :D Yes, Allah speaks to me, dragging me away and somehow moving on is one and only choice He gives to me. I was weaker few months ago, but I wasn’t the type of a person who get mad or mess somebody’s decision—who crazily entering somebody’s life and make them feeling guiltier, no, I’m this sentimental, I believe in destiny—I believe what I need to see to build a stronger me, it’s always weird but proud to try, hahaha:’))

Anyone can only see this writing is me trying to cheer myself up, well, I am, but I don’t have that much energy to put attention on things everyone says about me, even my friends keep remind me in a harsh way about old habbit which is actually gone but I’m still ‘being easy on it’, well, I’m grateful to have such super good friends in my life, Dewi, for instance, and CBC, whom always there, living life together, making dream happens together, that’s sometimes thing I take for granted and the rest I know this is the only one best treasure I still have till today.

For somebody out there *if you still read my writings, you will always know it’s you, yes, you know what, it’s still you, it’s always been you*, I really really really do happy that you are living your dream today, I’m sorry I’m that selfish, but I can picture my work is done then, we were a pair in everything though, yes, in the past, I can see you are also living happier life with the new person today, no, I’m lying or being super innocent saying I’m not jealous, but in the best way (I don’t care if this saying is only some crap to make me sleep well tonight), you should know, you have made me the happiest, you have also made me I am today, you have done super great works as the best partner I have so far, I don’t get mad to you, if I could just write the last *I promise you this is the last* message to you it would always be:

Go, go follow your dream, satisfy yourself, make your parents happy, go make you the man your dad will always tell his friends about, be the best son, the best brother, don’t forget your friends behind, never skip your prayer, have a faith if it’s hard today doesn’t mean it’ll be hard forever, you’re brilliant, you’re amazing, you’re smart, and you have everything, just be the best version of yourself then, people loves you.

Like in two seconds I know, you would never have time to even see this blog anymore, it’s okay, you’re just the reason behind but I don’t always write to you, this is to me, as you can see. :)

Own less. Create more.

Buy less. Share more.
Work less. Play more.

Less media gazing. More sky gazing.
Less cellphone time. More reading time.
Less noise. More silence.

Less impulsive shopping. More frugal consuming.
Less wanting. More gratitude.
Less needing. More contentment.

Explain less. Act more.
Stress less. Laugh more.
Think less. Feel more.

Less promises. More surprises.
Less performances. More inquiries.
Less concepts. More experiments.

Answer less. Question more.
Comply less. Question more.
Believe less. Question more.

Less known. More unknown.
Less handed-down beliefs. More self-discoveries.
Less fixation. More freedom.

Talk less. Listen more.
Analyze less. Experience more.
Judge less. Observe more.

Less concrete. More soil.
Less tabloids. More trees.
Less smoking sections. More fresh air.

Criticize less. Appreciate more.
Object less. Understand more.
Exclude less. Include more.

Less knowledgeable. More innocence.
Less target. More acceptance.
Less doing something. More doing nothing.

Attach less. Release more.
Ignore less. Meditate more.
Fear less. Breathe more.

Less addiction. More awareness.
Less norms. More conscience.
Less mindless. More mindfulness.

got this from the forever inspiring mbak dee lestari.

I don't know I was lost

I don't know the hope is gone

I don't know the waking up at 4 cause I was gonna meet you in the morning would not happen anymore

I don't know the frozen skin would not covered by the same jacket any longer

I don't know the glimpse of heaven I caught in the eyes I dream everynight would not be in the same scene

I don't know the forever saving picture would remain moved onto trash bin

I don't know the hardest choose

I don't get the mourned heart

I don't get frozen feeling during the sunny days

I don't get the vibrating just because our friends came over for feeling sorry

I don't know the days those not to count

I don't know the year changing without thousand wishes on our chatroom

I don't get the empty birthdays

I don't get the lonesome feelings among the crowd

I don't know the silence over the noise

I don't get the stars whose not looking the same

I don't know the skies could play thousand memories slide
I don't get the empty street
I don't get the deserving second chance feelings

I don't get the changed of you

either, I don't get mine too.

I don't know loving you could be this hard,

I begged to not seeing the eyes from the first time

I begged to not knowing the perfect man has invited

I begged to not drowning

This post is dedicated for the status maker I steal to this post title, one person in my life I can fluently speak english with, (so sorry if you found out my english is literally not that great) lecturer and dear friend, Mr. MY.

Everybody's Changing

Been emotionally cursing myself for the lack of things done this past 6 months and always wonder if I may did it better and more, I laughed averagely five times after write that sentence down, yes, I've been there (I have a bit feeling I'm still there), you can see it in few last posts I made last year those represented me in those patches, and I kindly proud saying I'm done now.

The past 6 months, I quit my relationship with somebody who has been with me for the last five years, first time it feels like I didn't even remember the life I live where him not around, I've been in the day I'd like taking something to blame, the day I spent out wasting time just to sleep in the corner listening to sad songs, your 'let past go'-'how to deal with broken heart' keywords on google, postponed my thesis for 3 months, being angry with everyone just because your hearts in neverending denial of what just happened, that day I also hate myself to write these such things, the last is, finding out somebody is changing, believe me, this is the hardest.

I'm those one type of a person who hates losing people, I mourned my cousin (I considered as my lil sister) who's dead in the tsunami, I condemned myself so long time when my dad's gone, I hate the change, I don't know how to deal with losing, as I grow up, I feel it would go easier, but then I found myself still in difficulity of knowing there would always be somebody leaves.

He was the one I share my days, we shared dreams till the easy little stuff and we always know about each other, he was the one I texted first when I woke up and I can say he was the last one I ended talking in the day before I went to bed, we had to deal with long distance relationship over three years and it became the day where I have to let him go further for an internship (happy to know he got his dream job today), what I thought was, it would not be that creepy, but yes, life happened. I still can't see what's the point of our trouble that day, the last thing I know is dealing with changed people is hard--especially he was the one you trust so much and slighlty you adore a lot too, then I became desperate of losing again, where I thought first will just going to be fine because even when I was in relationship, I spent most time alone, away from my boyfriend, but it's not, I just also realised that my ex boyfriend has also become the most important man in my life, and me just being replaced.

I don't know how long it has been, but I've been shockingly, replaced.

I've been blaming so much, for the sake of the damnest day I know, I mostly blamed myself, it was so much easier to blame and ended up stressing out then accepting it the way my thousand friends asked me to do, and now, I can see it as a failure I've made, not the wrong choice, that was the best choice I've ever made being in that relationship, it was just failed, it didn't work out anymore.

Too many lessons I learned from failure, I had so many failures I regret but this one is kind of different failure, first, I've just experienced this thing for the first time, second, I was madly love mellow things--so, it was kinda excuse sometimes for feeling mellow just keep me safe inside (creepy enough but that's just me), and maybe the last is, lowest self esteem and it turns you down to the lowest level of insecurities, I felt down, unconfident, lack trust in everyone, and yes, I've experienced it once and I promise I will never, ever, ever, let myself be in that patch again in my life.

Trust me, it's just about losing, and the most horrible pain would heal in the right time, first time, I was glad that after 4 months, we became friends, but it didn't work out, maybe we aren't really mature enough to be friends, maybe it's just me, maybe there will be always so many things to do but I could just mourning my loss and be a dramaqueen, I don't know.

This is a confession, I was also a jerk, I was childish, I was--as usual, not good enough, I couldn't distract any decision moreover when it comes about you leaving me, I AM a dramagirl, but can we just leave it there?

******

I laugh a lot seeing me there, the thing is, I'm in the most awesome period of life today, life lesson will always be the most precious, I know how to thanked people whom stays, and being calm about having the past that still go everywhere around my head, it was just a childish part of me getting into process of mature, above all, life is moving on, so, I am also moving on, striving to get the better way to live, thing I learned to know is I have so many other sides in life, more experience to come and taking responsibility of being 22 year old adult. So yes, I'm proud saying it's no more him.

C B C

I really do hope this could be last forever

Inilah kita, setelah tiga tahun lima bulan, dari hari pertama di kelas bahasa inggris yang canggung, masih nyari-nyari teman buat jadi partner untuk conversation, kelas akuntansi keuangan yang melelahkan, kelas sistem informasi akuntansi yang membingungkan, tongkrongan mie pakwa sampe mie bang muksal, bikin seminar dan toefl coach, bikin heboh di ticket box di jalan-jalan kampus Bukit Indah Unimal, episode-episode ngerjain ulang tahun, foto-foto di hutan komplek arun pas masih al*y*rs, kangen-kangenan waktu KKN, sampe hari ini ngejar-ngejar dosen pembimbing buat acc proposal skripsi,

Masih kita yang hari ini nyari-nyari koneksi wifi bareng-bareng, ngegosipin dosen, ngegosipin anak unit sebelah, artis beneran sampe artis instagram, ikutan heboh-hebohan film dilwale sampe movie nite film india pake proyektor sampe jam lima pagi, masih kita yang sama yang nggak akan ninggalin satu sama lain hanya karena masalah kecil sampe masalah yang udah bawa-bawa keluarga lain, kita nggak ninggalin, kalo ditinggalin, ya laen cerita, ya nggak?

Untuk teman-teman terhebat, cuman ditulisan ini aku bisa bilang aku sayang semua satu dunia, tau kan gedenya dunia? Kalo masih kurang tinggal ditambahin dengan semua planet-planet yang ada di galaksi bimasakti, gede banget, makasih udah ngangkat aku yang lagi jatuh--trus dijatohin lagi (HAHAHAHA, kidding!) makasih udah dengar dan ngerti semua masalah-masalah aku, makasih udah selalu, selalu, selalu, selalu ada (selalunya harus ditambahin lagi saking nggak pernah nggak adanya). Dunia nggak akan muter secara bener kalo nggak bisa liat kalian sehari, saking candunya, rasanya lhokseumawe harus pindah jadi tetanggaan sama banda aceh yang bisa dijangkau pake motor dua jam.

Makasih karena nggak pernah merasa harus menjatuhkan walaupun udah tau semua kekurangan aku, aku yang moody, yang labilnya lebih dari ababil-ababil jaman sekarang, yang kalo galau kalah janda-janda sepuluh anak, yang kalo ngomong sering pedes banget, yang kalo jutek sampe nggak bisa dilukis sama picasso saking jelek mukanya, yang kalo diem ngeselin, kalo ngomong, ya lebih lagi, yang kadang pikirannya sering melayang dan aneh nggak sejalan, tapi nggak pernah ditinggalin.

Makasih banyaaaaak dan semangat buat kalian semua yang masih berjuang sekarang, I'm counting time for us lemparan toga sama-sama yaaaa, bukan sebagian wisuda sebagian lagi jualan bunga di depan gedung :D no joke no show :p

Makasih karena setiap dengar nama-nama kalian, bawaannya pengen nyanyiin lagu ini aja:

Find us all in instagram, left to right: irma, cut ade, suci, aflah, dian, fina, sera, puja, oca

Balancing

...Smile, till it hurts,

Lets not make it complicated

We've got a story

But I'm about to change the ending...

Boys Like Girls

I don't know how to start this writing since I don't have any idea about my happy madly happy lately, it's the stupidest ever happen to me above 20, yes, I'm no longer teenager so I reduce kind of mellow things, this isn't mellow, this more like being grateful and I pretty believe there's nothing such gratefulness could build greater and happier life, okay, don't mistaken me with Mario Teguh :p I told you what I feel and I mean this.

So, time, or a new person, has prove that those combination are totally fine, it takes me tonight singing a long Boys Like Girls again, feeling happy again day by day, no more hope, no more so much care, I'm in my duty to finish my bachelor thesis and now I'm in Kuliah Kerja Nyata (KKN) for a month in one village around Lhokseumawe.

Sometimes I can hardly think about how time flies fast, how fast things changed, don't wanna mention the heartbreak, I'm in the process on being healed, or I can say I have healed at all, that is fine, it's long time I'm in the process of finding self and this kind of feeling is what I really want, focusing to only my self, being crazy, crancky, weird, at the same time, I did, I have done everything to make me happier, I have worked so hard to fix everything just in consciously think I love myself more than kind of love I could give to everybody. This is the things I need to remind myself all the time like forever things I should always do for myself.

.Making friends is an ultimate joy

I never been open up to guys like I have some guy friends to talk to, well, back when I was in relationship, I don't try to make it hard, no hard treat from my ex like I couldn't be friend with guys, it's just, I tried to watch people's feeling, I didn't regret that, what I can say I even proud of that, and today, I got some guy friends telling me their stories and I can feel my friend circle is getting a lil bit wider.

.Do care of what self really wants

It's just as simple as picking colours, I have paid a lot attentions of myself by trying to know what I really want, do I really want that cute black purse or I need that shoes? This is don't have side of me in relationship just a part of me growing up.

.Today is the H day

...and that's why I do everything today hoping I have longer time tomorrow to think about something else, procrastination is still there, but I'm no more just think about something I want to do, I do it.

.Laugh, Louder.

Being stupid with friends is not really my thing, today I feel like totally losing my jaim self and I freely talk things I want to, like, I say what I did't like, back in the day I thought why some people just don't care about somebody's feeling by telling hard thing in front of the facem but now I know it's just a part of being honest so I did it too, today.

.No too much worry of future

because present is worth to embrace, it tells who you are today and do something for you today.