I don't know the waking up at 4 cause I was gonna meet you in the morning would not happen anymore
I don't know the frozen skin would not covered by the same jacket any longer
I don't know the glimpse of heaven I caught in the eyes I dream everynight would not be in the same scene
I don't know the forever saving picture would remain moved onto trash bin
I don't know the hardest choose
I don't get the mourned heart
I don't get frozen feeling during the sunny days
I don't get the vibrating just because our friends came over for feeling sorry
I don't know the days those not to count
I don't know the year changing without thousand wishes on our chatroom
I don't get the empty birthdays
I don't get the lonesome feelings among the crowd
I don't know the silence over the noise
I don't get the stars whose not looking the same
I don't know the skies could play thousand memories slide
I don't get the empty street
I don't get the deserving second chance feelings
I don't get the changed of you
either, I don't get mine too.
I don't know loving you could be this hard,
I begged to not seeing the eyes from the first time
I begged to not knowing the perfect man has invited
I begged to not drowning
This post is dedicated for the status maker I steal to this post title, one person in my life I can fluently speak english with, (so sorry if you found out my english is literally not that great) lecturer and dear friend, Mr. MY.
Been emotionally cursing myself for the lack of things done this past 6 months and always wonder if I may did it better and more, I laughed averagely five times after write that sentence down, yes, I've been there (I have a bit feeling I'm still there), you can see it in few last posts I made last year those represented me in those patches, and I kindly proud saying I'm done now.
The past 6 months, I quit my relationship with somebody who has been with me for the last five years, first time it feels like I didn't even remember the life I live where him not around, I've been in the day I'd like taking something to blame, the day I spent out wasting time just to sleep in the corner listening to sad songs, your 'let past go'-'how to deal with broken heart' keywords on google, postponed my thesis for 3 months, being angry with everyone just because your hearts in neverending denial of what just happened, that day I also hate myself to write these such things, the last is, finding out somebody is changing, believe me, this is the hardest.
I'm those one type of a person who hates losing people, I mourned my cousin (I considered as my lil sister) who's dead in the tsunami, I condemned myself so long time when my dad's gone, I hate the change, I don't know how to deal with losing, as I grow up, I feel it would go easier, but then I found myself still in difficulity of knowing there would always be somebody leaves.
He was the one I share my days, we shared dreams till the easy little stuff and we always know about each other, he was the one I texted first when I woke up and I can say he was the last one I ended talking in the day before I went to bed, we had to deal with long distance relationship over three years and it became the day where I have to let him go further for an internship (happy to know he got his dream job today), what I thought was, it would not be that creepy, but yes, life happened. I still can't see what's the point of our trouble that day, the last thing I know is dealing with changed people is hard--especially he was the one you trust so much and slighlty you adore a lot too, then I became desperate of losing again, where I thought first will just going to be fine because even when I was in relationship, I spent most time alone, away from my boyfriend, but it's not, I just also realised that my ex boyfriend has also become the most important man in my life, and me just being replaced.
I don't know how long it has been, but I've been shockingly, replaced.
I've been blaming so much, for the sake of the damnest day I know, I mostly blamed myself, it was so much easier to blame and ended up stressing out then accepting it the way my thousand friends asked me to do, and now, I can see it as a failure I've made, not the wrong choice, that was the best choice I've ever made being in that relationship, it was just failed, it didn't work out anymore.
Too many lessons I learned from failure, I had so many failures I regret but this one is kind of different failure, first, I've just experienced this thing for the first time, second, I was madly love mellow things--so, it was kinda excuse sometimes for feeling mellow just keep me safe inside (creepy enough but that's just me), and maybe the last is, lowest self esteem and it turns you down to the lowest level of insecurities, I felt down, unconfident, lack trust in everyone, and yes, I've experienced it once and I promise I will never, ever, ever, let myself be in that patch again in my life.
Trust me, it's just about losing, and the most horrible pain would heal in the right time, first time, I was glad that after 4 months, we became friends, but it didn't work out, maybe we aren't really mature enough to be friends, maybe it's just me, maybe there will be always so many things to do but I could just mourning my loss and be a dramaqueen, I don't know.
This is a confession, I was also a jerk, I was childish, I was--as usual, not good enough, I couldn't distract any decision moreover when it comes about you leaving me, I AM a dramagirl, but can we just leave it there?
******
I laugh a lot seeing me there, the thing is, I'm in the most awesome period of life today, life lesson will always be the most precious, I know how to thanked people whom stays, and being calm about having the past that still go everywhere around my head, it was just a childish part of me getting into process of mature, above all, life is moving on, so, I am also moving on, striving to get the better way to live, thing I learned to know is I have so many other sides in life, more experience to come and taking responsibility of being 22 year old adult. So yes, I'm proud saying it's no more him.
Inilah kita, setelah tiga tahun lima bulan, dari hari pertama di kelas bahasa inggris yang canggung, masih nyari-nyari teman buat jadi partner untuk conversation, kelas akuntansi keuangan yang melelahkan, kelas sistem informasi akuntansi yang membingungkan, tongkrongan mie pakwa sampe mie bang muksal, bikin seminar dan toefl coach, bikin heboh di ticket box di jalan-jalan kampus Bukit Indah Unimal, episode-episode ngerjain ulang tahun, foto-foto di hutan komplek arun pas masih al*y*rs, kangen-kangenan waktu KKN, sampe hari ini ngejar-ngejar dosen pembimbing buat acc proposal skripsi,
Masih kita yang hari ini nyari-nyari koneksi wifi bareng-bareng, ngegosipin dosen, ngegosipin anak unit sebelah, artis beneran sampe artis instagram, ikutan heboh-hebohan film dilwale sampe movie nite film india pake proyektor sampe jam lima pagi, masih kita yang sama yang nggak akan ninggalin satu sama lain hanya karena masalah kecil sampe masalah yang udah bawa-bawa keluarga lain, kita nggak ninggalin, kalo ditinggalin, ya laen cerita, ya nggak?
Untuk teman-teman terhebat, cuman ditulisan ini aku bisa bilang aku sayang semua satu dunia, tau kan gedenya dunia? Kalo masih kurang tinggal ditambahin dengan semua planet-planet yang ada di galaksi bimasakti, gede banget, makasih udah ngangkat aku yang lagi jatuh--trus dijatohin lagi (HAHAHAHA, kidding!) makasih udah dengar dan ngerti semua masalah-masalah aku, makasih udah selalu, selalu, selalu, selalu ada (selalunya harus ditambahin lagi saking nggak pernah nggak adanya). Dunia nggak akan muter secara bener kalo nggak bisa liat kalian sehari, saking candunya, rasanya lhokseumawe harus pindah jadi tetanggaan sama banda aceh yang bisa dijangkau pake motor dua jam.
Makasih karena nggak pernah merasa harus menjatuhkan walaupun udah tau semua kekurangan aku, aku yang moody, yang labilnya lebih dari ababil-ababil jaman sekarang, yang kalo galau kalah janda-janda sepuluh anak, yang kalo ngomong sering pedes banget, yang kalo jutek sampe nggak bisa dilukis sama picasso saking jelek mukanya, yang kalo diem ngeselin, kalo ngomong, ya lebih lagi, yang kadang pikirannya sering melayang dan aneh nggak sejalan, tapi nggak pernah ditinggalin.
Makasih banyaaaaak dan semangat buat kalian semua yang masih berjuang sekarang, I'm counting time for us lemparan toga sama-sama yaaaa, bukan sebagian wisuda sebagian lagi jualan bunga di depan gedung :D no joke no show :p
Makasih karena setiap dengar nama-nama kalian, bawaannya pengen nyanyiin lagu ini aja:
I don't know how to start this writing since I don't have any idea about my happy madly happy lately, it's the stupidest ever happen to me above 20, yes, I'm no longer teenager so I reduce kind of mellow things, this isn't mellow, this more like being grateful and I pretty believe there's nothing such gratefulness could build greater and happier life, okay, don't mistaken me with Mario Teguh :p I told you what I feel and I mean this.
So, time, or a new person, has prove that those combination are totally fine, it takes me tonight singing a long Boys Like Girls again, feeling happy again day by day, no more hope, no more so much care, I'm in my duty to finish my bachelor thesis and now I'm in Kuliah Kerja Nyata (KKN) for a month in one village around Lhokseumawe.
Sometimes I can hardly think about how time flies fast, how fast things changed, don't wanna mention the heartbreak, I'm in the process on being healed, or I can say I have healed at all, that is fine, it's long time I'm in the process of finding self and this kind of feeling is what I really want, focusing to only my self, being crazy, crancky, weird, at the same time, I did, I have done everything to make me happier, I have worked so hard to fix everything just in consciously think I love myself more than kind of love I could give to everybody. This is the things I need to remind myself all the time like forever things I should always do for myself.
.Making friends is an ultimate joy
I never been open up to guys like I have some guy friends to talk to, well, back when I was in relationship, I don't try to make it hard, no hard treat from my ex like I couldn't be friend with guys, it's just, I tried to watch people's feeling, I didn't regret that, what I can say I even proud of that, and today, I got some guy friends telling me their stories and I can feel my friend circle is getting a lil bit wider.
.Do care of what self really wants
It's just as simple as picking colours, I have paid a lot attentions of myself by trying to know what I really want, do I really want that cute black purse or I need that shoes? This is don't have side of me in relationship just a part of me growing up.
.Today is the H day
...and that's why I do everything today hoping I have longer time tomorrow to think about something else, procrastination is still there, but I'm no more just think about something I want to do, I do it.
.Laugh, Louder.
Being stupid with friends is not really my thing, today I feel like totally losing my jaim self and I freely talk things I want to, like, I say what I did't like, back in the day I thought why some people just don't care about somebody's feeling by telling hard thing in front of the facem but now I know it's just a part of being honest so I did it too, today.
.No too much worry of future
because present is worth to embrace, it tells who you are today and do something for you today.
Don't you dare let all best memories bring you sorrow
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending...
I know how it feels to change, to be replaced, to be wasted, to be unwanted, to be even more insecure than self already did, I know how to write pages full of gloomy-scenes to make me cry less, I know how to re-picture people into novel characters, I know how to get myself feeling worst just to go to place that used to go, I know how to cry in the crowd, I know how to simply be attention seeker to your friends when recently things I say is about that and repeating the same thing next day.
I just don't know how to sleep well and better or at least as I did when things never break me out, I don't know how to feel okay when people sees deep into my eyes and asked me am I allright, I don't know what to say when they ask about what I need to do, I have no idea why I clean up all my plates just to feel okay--which is not but happens all the time, I don't know how to not keeping myself going to the beach and feel so much drama and how I hate it anyway.
Because after all I ever done, I'm still wonder why I'm just not enough for you.
and today I planned to start over, no, it's changing over, changing purpose and habits, changing a little bit point of views and patch, planning to see it clear, trying to walk again, trying to make effort again, tryig to be okay again, and trying to be ready again, trying to be whatever I could ever just be, trying to be me.
If she could possibly turn the time back, She has ever been in the lowest point in relationship where all she wanted to do is to kick you out from her life, She has ever ever been the one who regret things, but still woke up and realized how she wanted to be with you, she has ever closed her ears to what people say when she was doing things for you, she went through hard patch just when she felt it would be good to have a better life with you and helping you paying the bills, she ever really wanted to give up but she woke up realizing how far she has fought her brain out just to let her heart feels better when she was beside you.
She has no idea of you trying to get some spot to make her dreams fall out by the time she believed it was when she fell in love the most with you, she didn't realize you were the one who feel not enough with this after she (believe she was) sacrificed all things just to be with you, she just didn't realize it when you were too busy trying to kick her out just to feel enough about yourself, never.
She appreciated all your efforts and texted you to make sure you didn't skip your breakfast and warned you to pray and hold Allah closer, she never missed to know about your day even when she tired about her own life, you weren't always treat her good but you were still the one she talked a lot with her friends, she talked all good things about you.
.....and by the time she dreamed of you to come back,
but never actually has space for you when you really did, she still care a lot about you, but her feelings is not what the matter the most right now, she wants the one who stayed no matter hard the day is, she wants the one who appreciate her and love her the way she is, she wants the one who treat her better and tell her everything he wants and never hide anything just to make her simply hurting, and anything else.
The rest is, she is trying to believe there will be the real person who can be matched with all her weirdness, insecure-thing, and all of the imperfections.
she used to be the one who want to make you happy,
but now she just trying to feel good about herself and feeling even better,
"For me Shah Rukh Khan is like a God. He is kind and will always take care about the problems of his friends. He is a person who is very easy to discuss and talk with. He likes to help people. For me he is a very special human being." -Kajol (source)
Totally agreed with Kajol about this, about this badash bollywood or King Khan has a really special thing that rare as a normal human being and I just suprised how much I still love him, from the very first time I know how to be a fan, how to know about an idol, and artist, and yeah, you know what I mean.
Oke, akan saya ceritakan sedikit awal saya 'kenal' sama tokoh satu ini (Shahrukh Khan itu seperti tokoh, bukan hanya seleb--bagi saya).
KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI, dimana sejak peluncurannya menjadi film india tersukses di Asia Tenggara atau bahkan dunia saat itu, adalah film india pertama yang saya tonton--bahkan jika saya tidak salah mengingat, KKHH ini adalah film layar lebar pertama yang saya tonton, saat itu di tahun 1999 (kalo tidak salah) ketika sedang menyiapkan resepsi pernikahan sepupu di Lhokseumawe, ada beberapa orang saudara yang berkumpul di ruang tv dan menonton film ini yang diputar di DVD player, dan saya ikut-ikutan :D saat itu mungkin saya belum genap berusia enam tahun, jadi jalan ceritanya saja saya belum jelas mengerti, yang saya masih ingat adalah, orang-orang menangis menonton film ini. Setelah kembali ke rumah di Banda Aceh, saya ingat sekali semua orang sering mendiskusikan film ini, dan saya masih sering menontonnya dengan teman-teman sepermainan, meskipun yang kami sukai hanya scene-scene menari dan menyanyinya (Yang sekarang paling sering saya skip kalo nonton film india di laptop :D) Anyway, saya nulis ini juga mungkin karena pengaruh KKHH yang saya tonton lagi malam senin kemaren karena lagi sedih plus frustasi dan pengen banget yang drama-drama, my choice is still the same, KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI, maybe after hundreds of time.
Beberapa tahun kemudian, muncul film India baru yang sering diperbincangkan teman-teman saya (tentu saja mengenai tarian dan nyanyiannya, oleh anak-anak kecil saat itu), Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham, dimana Shahrukh kembali dipertemukan dengan Kajol, dan ada Rani Mukherji juga walaupun bukan pemeran utama, nggak tau kenapa, K3G tidak seperti KKHH.
Semua film India yang saya tonton setelah itu, tidak ada yang bisa mengalahkan 'ikatan' saya dengan KKHH, boleh saya sedikit lebay? Twilight dan sekuel-sekuelnya, 500 Days Of Summer, A Walk To Remember, Harry Potter, Titanic, seabrek film-film dari negara manapun yang sudah saya tonton tidak pernah menampilkan sesuatu yang serius yang saya dapatkan di film KKHH, okay, think I need serious help? Please do.
Sebegitu ngefansnya sama KKHH, aku dulu sempet stalking Sana Saeed di tahun 2011 di twitter yang aku kira adalah Sana Saeed di KKHH (little Anjali) yang sebenernya salah orang, abis penasaran aja gimana penampilan Sana setelah di KKHH, and then I wacthed "Student Of The Year" film produksi Karan Johar juga and see Sana Saeed as Tanya Israni (pangling banget sumpah, aku kira mungkin dia ga akan terima tantangan buat ambil peran semi-antagonis kayak gitu setelah image bagus dari KKHH, selain di film, Sana ini juga studi ekonomi di Inggris, news proof that he was a smart person), berbicara soal stalking, Sana Saeed yang aku stalk empat tahun lalu yang sempet ngebalas mention aku dengan "Nope, wrong Sana Saeed" adalah jurnalis dari Timur Tengah yang sampe sekarang aku gatau dia siapa hahaha :)) Mungkin saat ini udah seabrek film bollywood yang jauh lebih keren dibandingin sama Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, but, first love is forever a thing, right? :D
Saya memang bukan bollywood addict, sebegitu parahnya saya ngefans sama SRK, saya nggak nonton semua filmnya yang berjumlah 80 (atau bahkan lebih) itu, mungkin saya hanya suka dua film dari SRK, yaitu KKHH dan My Name is Khan (2010), ada sesuatu yang lain yang bikin saya pengen banget jumpa sama orang satu ini, really? Now it sounds disgusting enough?
Yang saya dapat dari berita dan wawancara, berpuluh-puluh video tentangnya yang saya lihat di youtube, saya akhirnya berani menyimpulkan hal ini:
He knows what he wants in life, he work hard, work smart, and get what he wants, and because I have an opposite thing with this, this one is the most thing I love when I could see it in people, and he has it.
He fulfil his dreams, his dedication in film/entertaiment industry leaves two thumbs up!
He has good sense of humour
He reads, a lot, his bestfriend Kajol and his wife Gauri said the most of time that SRK can't be separated with books, no wonder why he got that smart then?
He is a well educated person, he studied till he got mastered, and in economics, why I'd be proud so much to be part of economics student then HAHAHA
He loves children, he stays close with his kids and he once said he had a dream to make movies that he heads for children.
He can be friend for everyone, at least, coba liat pujian yang sering dilontarkan Kajol dan Karan Johar untuknya.
A warm personality, I'll show you then.
He is a very loyal husband, and the most caring and loving daddy to Aryan, Suhana, and Abram, lately I know why he sent Aryan far to England for a study is because he kept aryan from his famous shadow of his dad, biar anaknya bisa menemukan jati dirinya dengan baik.
He cares a lot of family, takes care to his elder sister, shahnaz lalarukh, yang menurut kabar mengalami depresi setelah ibunya meninggal, kini shahnaz tinggal bersama di rumah keluarga Khan yang dinamakan Mannat, bersama istri dan anak-anaknya.
Entah mengapa, menurutku, nggak ada artis dengan jiwa sosial sebesar dia, sumbangannya untuk listrik-listrik di desa, dan kebanyakan adalah sumbangan untuk anak-anak.
Walaupun menikah dengan seorang hindu dan bertekad menanamkan dua agama pada anak-anaknya (yang aku juga kurang setuju tapi ya itu hidup dia), dia sering mengatakan jika melakukan sesuatu itu karena agamanya, and dont mention how much he said "InshaaAllah" in every chances in interview, at least yeah, he has faith.
Dia nggak pernah terpacu untuk membuat film menjadi box office, ia hanya berusaha tampil maksimal untuk setiap film dan biarkan pasar dan kritikus yang menentukan.
Dan tentu saja, sebagai manusia dengan banyak kelebihan, ada saja kekurangan-kekurangan yang dimilikinya, perseteruan dengan sesama artis, rumor perselingkuhan, dan banyak lagi, but as long as I concern, dia adalah aktor paling adorable dan satu-satunya aktor yang saking ngefansnya, pernah aku mimpiin...
Yaah, dulu sih, waktu kecil. Hahahaha (Skip this because you know, yuck!)
Okay, if there's a thing I hate about SRK it must be his role in Jab Tak Hai Jaan, dont mention the reason, you know what I mean, right?
Ini adalah wawancaranya dengan Dewi Sandra dan Indra Safera tahun 2002 sejak kedatangan pertamanya ke Indonesia buat konser, he is smart and a real down to earth person, check this out...
Satu hal lagi yang bikin aku yakin banget dia orangnya begitu down to earth adalah, dia sering buka pertanyaan gitu di twitter dan dia bales satu-satu mention fansnya, akunya udah nyoba dua kali tapi belum beruntung hahaha. Fyi, twitternya: @iamsrk
Too much, no? Walopun nggak tau banyak soal bollywood, tapi berbicara soal keterikatan dengan film lawas Kuch Kuch Hota Hai yang bikin pengen tau banget sampe ngefans sama SRK, I wanna say, yes, I'm a huge fan of SRK.
dan ini ada bonus fotonya yang aku yakin bisa mewakili semua gambaranku soal SRK yang sayang keluarga:
Above: Aryan, SRK, Suhana
Below: Shahnaz Lalarukh, Gauri Khan
:))
P.S: I'm going mad, and it was so early morning now in Indonesia, it's saturday, august 8 2015, 02:45 a.m
So, maybe you've come to the lowest point in your life, I want to tell you that everything is allright, everything is okay and good thing will happen.
Good thing is yet to come, that will come, and maybe today you feel so alone or you still the same person who did curious or freak out about future, you had planned your future but thing never goes well as your planning, baby, this is okay, this is really okay, maybe you have to try harder than anybody does, maybe you're the one who see this thing is unfair all the way and they dont, but that is really okay.
Because sometimes what already written is better than plans in your list, take a closer look of what event by event that happened in your life, take lesson and be way more grateful than you have done.
Don't forget that they love you, as much as you do, they just feel you have no time for receiving phonecalls cause you're too busy with your homework or something, they feel like you really busy creating your future plan, one day when you can hug them again, you'd feel loved once more, and have strength to get back again to what you called 'real life' of yours, and baby, remember to not losing faith too early, cause it will be happy in the end, if today you still feel less happy, or there's still not enough aside, you know what? It's not yet the ending.
She is so beautiful, I
like when she pulls her spoon and eat it from the bottom remains one or two
tiny piece on her spoon and she return it exactly the same way, I like the
way she smiles to people, I like it when she talks to the waitress who is her bestfriend
nicely, the way she laughs, she speaks to mom politely, eventhough I caught
some confusion right in there, her brown eyes, and the eyes, seriously, I can
imagine it and can’t stop listening to some corny love songs those tell how girl’s worth it.
She wears good clothes
too, she has beautiful and small hands, she has a not so neat teeth and I like
it, she is really down to earth person, and she impressed mom so much, she is
kinda family girl the way she been so close with her mom, and she knows how to
talk good and she only talk good things, the plus is all hers, you bet it, she
knows how to make money.
She is smart, she is
nice, she is cool, she is beautiful, she is genius, she is there in my mind all
the time lately, and this is the sign obviously, finally, I fall again to a
woman, the right woman, I don’t know you, but I’m ready for a seek of chance.
So, mom, for this, yes,
apparently.
A calm, quite, and kind-hearted, a cool but also a smart (a nerd who love to be in library), so educated that he takes his undergraduate and/or postgraduate abroad somewhere in a ranked university in Europe, a religious, a good looking guy with a deep-drowned eyes, update with current issues, play and listen to good music, read books, speak english fluenty and having interest to learn some more languanges, a faithful lover, experienced in a bad love story which makes him really careful to choose his future partner again, a family lover, having a 3 year-old daughter from his previous marriage, that he loves a lot and risk life for her, that choose to build a better career after the divorce and now he moved out as a 32 year old men who has anything by his side, has built a family house for his family, sit in advanced chair in the office, and now being acquinted to a woman that attracts him (after long experience of his mother finding women to be introduced with a big hope to be her future daughter in law), and finally he sits back in his chair one night and save the writing above in his laptop.
I really wonder how it ends, he's the coolest I've ever made as a novel role, I don't even want to finish the story, I hope he lives in real life, because he does live and also distract me for so many things these several years :)
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Name your current self: Selfish, lazy, worried, terrified, tired.
I never know what I have to face the next day, this is absolutely wrong, even it has hundred of reasons behind, this is wrong, wake up in a place that might scary you a lot, a place that unfamiliar to you, facing people those hate you, walk alone to somewhere you wish would make you smarter, but currently not anymore, making friends but end up being hating each other, seeking for perfection but never happened, you hate to deal with bullshit, but they thought you were just that selfish.
I started to speak a lot, a lot, I mean, a lot like I always have something to let people know, unimportant ones that made me regret in the end, I don't know why, this is definetely wrong, two days have passed and I stuck in this kind of thinking that this is wrong, but I can't do more than just accept it and do it again, I'm lazy, I'm blablabalabaaaaaarrrrrraaaassss
